To think SAHM with young DC deserve more respect

Might end up happening if our birth rate keeps declining, you never know…

That’s actually a fair point about getting better friends, I’ve been very disappointed with direct remarks made to me from a few. Similarly disappointed with 2 male friends of my DH’s who constantly badger him about why he is still a classroom teacher after 15 years and not a deputy or head teacher. They are much more money driven than him, and openly criticise him. I don’t like it.

Agree with you about ASDA’s missing stock as well, I find online much better from there than in store, especially for clothing.

We have been judged IRL for not moving onto a bigger house. Of course everyone has personal preferences, but the tone of some of the comments made towards us truly haven’t been great.

If you actually read my post properly, I was directly comparing this to my own experiences of working FT without children. Do you know many teachers? Having 2 FT teachers for us is untenable with young children. When you are teaching, you are out of the house, zero time to do life admin or even answer your own phone, zero WFH, zero school runs, often zero time to attend school functions of your own children, teachers also feel incredibly guilty about taking any time off sick as they care about leaving their classes. If we had continued this with young children, our evenings and weekends for us would have been far more stressful than having me at home. Surely that is obvious compared to other industries?

I took exception to the previous poster for criticising women who ‘let men off the hook’ by taking on the domestic load, as I feel she completely overlooked any advantages to this for the entire family, not just Dad! I’d rather my DH spent his weekends with our children rather than picking up housework for me to make a point, how childish and petty!

I do actually have many friends in different industries who WFH and often voice note me whilst on a break/putting a wash on/painting and decorating, so I am fully aware other parents manage these things during the day around work too. WFH has been a positive development for working families, that’s great too!

Will never happen, for good reason. Why should you expect to be paid for sitting on your backside at home? All your strawman arguments aren't going to make a difference.

You need to get better friends then.

I wouldn't holiday on a caravan site either because it's not something I would enjoy. What's wrong with that? We are all allowed personal preference. I have some very well-off friends and none of them would speak like that. None of my friends have ever complained about the size of their homes, even the one who is recently separated and living in a much smaller home.

I shop in Asda, Sainsburys and Tesco mostly. Asda is crap recently because they always are missing lots of stock.

An interesting read for you on this topic…remember when women actually respected unpaid domestic labour so much that they did passionately campaign for its economic value to be recognised and for it to be financially compensated? No need to swear to make your point either btw 😂

www.theguardian.com/society/2025/feb/07/wages-for-housework-movement-still-controversial-40-years-on

Sorry, but what do you think is actually "true" here?

Is it true that couples with a SAHP probably have a bit more free time than couples who both work? Yes, in most cases.

Does that mean that couples with a SAHP are "more savvy"? No.

Does it mean that couples who both work have poor relationships or that they are constantly bickering with each other? No.

Does it mean that couples who both work are always run ragged and have no time for anything else? No.

You're assuming that people are criticising this post because the pp is saying things that they don't want to hear. Maybe we're just saying that it doesn't resonate with our own lived experience because it is based on assumptions and stereotypes that aren't actually accurate.

You personally have posted 761 comments about SAHMs, it's quite obsessive.

How could you possibly know what my realm of experience is? Have you ever been a SAHM?

The OP is on mat leave at the moment and posting that she is finding it difficult.

The clue is in the title - someone who repeatedly does the same thing.

Stating facts about my lifestyle is completely different to putting someone else’s down.

Wow people are very defensive on here! Proving some of the previous poster’s points about this entirely.

I have had both men and women I know make these comments. That’s the truth!

I have one friend who said she would never dream of holidaying in a caravan or at a Haven site as they are working class and tacky. I have another friend who considers ASDA beneath her. I regularly listen to friends complaining about the size of their own homes, which are already pretty good!

I have appreciated your posts a great deal, they are very well written, respectful of a range of opinions and clearly appreciate individual nuances. The examples you have shared are extremely relevant to this thread. Sorry to hear things were tough for your Mum, and glad you found a different path that suits you better.

Quite!

Same with working then.

Indeed.

It would be hyperbole to suggest that being a SAHP was the worst thing in the world for my mother. She was not, after all, living in a war zone or dealing with extreme poverty etc. But it was certainly very bad for her mental health and overall wellbeing, and as a consequence, it wasn't great for us either.

I know it wouldn't have worked for me either. I took to motherhood very easily and I absolutely loved being on mat leave...it felt like an extended holiday and I thoroughly enjoyed it, but I think the finite nature of it was very important for me. I have adhd and I thrive best when I'm busy...I need the structure, pace and stimulation that work provides for me to function at my best. Staying at home would not have worked for me. I totally get that some people are the opposite and that they need more downtime to function. Fair enough, we are all different.

My DH tried being a SAHP for a few months when we moved house when dd was 3. He tried very hard to make it work but he felt that his world had shrunk and he didn't enjoy it. I didn't enjoy it either, I didn't like how it changed the dynamics of our relationship. But again, we're all different.

If couples decide that they want one partner to SAH and they can make it work, all power to them. I am not interested in sneering at other people's choices or pushing them to live their lives differently. I just don't want the SAHP model being pushed as some sort of ideal set-up to which people should be aspiring, because the reality is that it will be ideal for some and bloody awful for others.

Indeed.

It would be hyperbole to suggest that being a SAHP was the worst thing in the world for my mother. She was not, after all, living in a war zone or dealing with extreme poverty etc. But it was certainly very bad for her mental health and overall wellbeing, and as a consequence, it wasn't great for us either.

I know it wouldn't have worked for me either. I took to motherhood very easily and I absolutely loved being on mat leave...it felt like an extended holiday and I thoroughly enjoyed it, but I think the finite nature of it was very important for me. I have adhd and I thrive best when I'm busy...I need the structure, pace and stimulation that work provides for me to function at my best. Staying at home would not have worked for me. I totally get that some people are the opposite and that they need more downtime to function. Fair enough, we are all different.

My DH tried being a SAHP for a few months when we moved house when dd was 3. He tried very hard to make it work but he felt that his world had shrunk and he didn't enjoy it. I didn't enjoy it either, I didn't like how it changed the dynamics of our relationship. But again, we're all different.

If couples decide that they want one partner to SAH and they can make it work, all power to them. I am not interested in sneering at other people's choices or pushing them to live their lives differently. I just don't want the SAHP model being pushed as some sort of ideal set-up to which people should be aspiring, because the reality is that it will be ideal for some and bloody awful for others.

Same with working then.

It is for some people though. Some love it , others absolutely detest it

It is for some people though. Some love it , others absolutely detest it

People on here and IRL happily state how they could never be a SAHP as if it is the worst thing in the world- it’s really not, plenty of positives!

You personally have posted 761 comments about SAHMs, it's quite obsessive.

I’m the daughter of 2 full time teachers (dad was a uni lecturer). It’s amazing I survived. My mum went back to work as a music teacher in the evenings 2 weeks after I was born so I had a parent with me 24/7. I was in cloth nappies and had no family within 200 miles. Dad was a Head of Subject in a creative field so lots of evening and week events. His uni studio was my second home.

Mum was building his career and when my sister and I were both in school (we started at 3 here) Dad was the one doing school runs, shopping, washing, ironing, cooking, DIY (300 year old house so constant maintenance), homework, music lessons, brownies and guides. On top of running a university department.

Both my sister and I have a phenomenal ethic around working and learning. We both have high expectations of equality in work and at home. (Sister is a single parent to a high need, non-verbal autistic little boy who can’t manage more than 2 hours in school and she still works because it is important to her.)

Mum is still working at 70. (She doesn’t need to.) Dad lectures through the U3A.

My gran always worked full time and often had more than one job (with 4 children born in a 10 year period).

I appreciate that you are sacrificing some things to have a single earner. I want to show my daughter that hard work pays off, that housework isn’t only for women and as much of the world as I can.

Feminism to me isn’t only about women having increased choices. It’s about building a world where expectations aren’t based on your sex organs and that means that children need to see both sexes engaging in all kinds of work, paid and unpaid. Choices aren’t made in a vacuum. I’ve lost count of the number of times it’s been assumed that I am Mrs DHname (I’m Ms Myname), that I should be the first contact at school, that I’ll be having more children and maternity leaves and now I get asked how my husband copes with me working away 50% of the time. I was never asked how I coped when he worked away 6 days of every week. Until men show that they take all elements of life equally seriously these assumptions will prevail. Women using phrases like “picking up housework for me to make a point” keep the utter crap the rest of us face going on and on and on.

(DH grew up in a “traditional family”. He moved far away and found himself a feminist so patterns don’t always carry on. Maybe any daughters you have will also see alternatives to your set up.”)