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AIBU?

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Original poster

Best friend says IABU over comments her new BF made

37 replies

NavyDream · 25/03/2025 20:24

This happened on Saturday but has carried into the week and I am now beginning to question whether I have over-reacted.

Background - best friend and I had a night out with our respective other half’s; my long term DP and her boyfriend of a few months - I had met him before, my DP hadn’t.

All going fine - DP has quite a long beard, and my friends BF was asking him about this. Long story short - he asked whether he ever considered getting rid of it - he said he likes it for now and also that I am quite fond of it. A perfectly reasonable answer.

My friends BF basically said - ‘it’s not her choice, if you want to trim it, then that’s up to you’. Followed by ‘it’s a slippery slope, that’s how it starts. They’ll tell you how to dress and look and next thing you know, she’ll be wearing a dildo in the bedroom’.

This insinuated I am controlling, which I’m absolutely not. It got no real reaction and the conversation moved on.

I text my friend on Sunday to say I felt it was unnecessarily rude and I was a bit put out, and she basically said it was banter between the lads and not meant to offend.

I didn’t reply, and she messaged me again yesterday to say I need to lighten up and what’s happened to my sense of humour.

I feel a bit silly reading it back, as doesn’t sound a massive deal written down, but I thought it was really rude for a first meeting.

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 25/03/2025 20:48

Id leave it. Your man should be the one defending you, if he's not on your side, you'll look silly

Just say it was a bit offensive but understand it was just lads banter

JustAnotherManicMomday · 25/03/2025 20:46

Would you reach the same way if this was gender reversed for example if your friend had said to you that it's not up to your boyfriend if you choose to cut your hair for example. In some ways I agree with him. Whilst it may be meant in a jokey way and I'm sure it was there is truth in it. Had it been you saying it to your friend about him telling her not to do something everyone would be freaking out saying the boyfriend is controlling. Not saying for a moment that you are but it's worth asking yourself how you would of reacted if it was role reversed.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 25/03/2025 20:44

YANBU. There was a similar thread recently about a man making that sort of gross comment, the woman on the receiving end left the event. I don’t think you are being silly at all. Sexualised “banter” isn’t for everyone and sometimes you need to “read the room” he’s only a boyfriend of a few months, it suggests that he’s used to more coarse company and lacks social graces maybe?

Chunkilumptious · 25/03/2025 20:41

If he just came out with that and '[you're] quite fond of it' didn't have a jokey subtext then I'd say he overstepped the mark and she is probably embarrassed.

I think you didn't overreact if that was the context but let it go. You were offended by what he said, that doesn't need your boyfriend's confirmation. Hopefully it won't last between them. Don't make a big deal and make her defend him.

Sunnytoday01 · 25/03/2025 20:39

mynameiscalypso · 25/03/2025 20:35

Wasn't there a post a few weeks ago where a new boyfriend made a very similar comment to the poster's best friend and they had a massive falling out over it? I wonder if it's the same bloke...

I was just thinking there was a thread about a very similar comment recently.

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 20:37

It was pretty offensive to both of you. He sounds like a knob but he's your friend's boyfriend not yours. I'd drop it now and just try to avoid seeing him. I'd say your friend is a little embarrassed and defensive. I wouldn't bring it up with her again.

Original poster
NavyDream · 25/03/2025 20:35

Ponoka7 · 25/03/2025 20:30

What did your bf think? What was said could change meaning depending on the person saying it and how it was said.

They are quite ‘different’ in personality types but got on well enough on the night. He says he didn’t take any offence but then I felt it was aimed at me rather than him.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 25/03/2025 20:35

Wasn't there a post a few weeks ago where a new boyfriend made a very similar comment to the poster's best friend and they had a massive falling out over it? I wonder if it's the same bloke...

Vaxtable · 25/03/2025 20:33

He’s a knob.

and I would be telling my ‘friend’ that she doesn’t own my feelings I do, and the comment was unnecessary and upsetting, and if she can’t see that that’s her problem

to those saying what did the partner think, what does that matter? He was giving digs to her not the partner

i also would not be meeting with him again I prefer to spend my time with decent people

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 25/03/2025 20:32

Yeah, what did your man say? It was on him to shut it down?

If you argue with your friend about it, but your man doesn't have an issue, I think you'll look silly and he'll make out that you're controlling

Ponoka7 · 25/03/2025 20:30

What did your bf think? What was said could change meaning depending on the person saying it and how it was said.

Miloarmadillo2 · 25/03/2025 20:28

He sounds like a right knob. Let’s hope your friend is someone with the odd opinion and has the sense to ditch him. I wouldn’t fall out with her over it though.