MIL taking over Mother’s Day

You're really missing the point.

It's about saying,

1. I have no kids yet, so I will celebrate my mother on mother's day.

2. Now I have children, so I am a mother too. I deserve to be celebrated and I am now treated.

3. Now my child has children, so she is a mother too. However, this doesn't matter, I'm still their mother, so mother's day continues to be about me being treated.

My children are still young and I agree with this totally.

The attitude of 'old women have had their time, now it's mine' is so sad and strange to me. I still want to demonstrate to my mum that I love her, if anything having kids makes me more grateful and understanding of what she did for me and my siblings. My DH feels same about his mum. So we find ways to be together if possible, to make the day nice for all of us. If mum is away or at my siblings I'm not going to ignore her or not send a card cos "she's had her time".

To be fair I wouldn't like it if DH made plans without discussing. But the idea I'm entitled to special treatment and they are not because they are older? Absolutely not

Spot on

That is very patronising and as the mother of adult children, I disagree. Women becoming mothers does not make us a gestalt entity!

DIL are not in charge of mothers day, and if they do take over and only see their own family then its on the sons for not pushing back, not on the DIL.

I cant help wondering if the way you are on here communicates to your sons "Well we have to see my mum on the same, otherwise you know what she will be like......" which of course you will deny but worth thinking about.

@nonas , I do not!
Im not at all sure where you got that impression. My point is that we all mothers are one, part of a whole. Our watch is never finished, you will see but not today.

I'll try it for the second time.

It's not about being the only mother.

However my DH just updated me that he is going to invite his mum and step dad for lunch out on Mother’s Day

It was OP 's HUSBAND who initiated this plan. Not his mother. And he's arranged lunch out, so it's not OP who has to feed and water his parents.

@LePetitMaman , I beg to differ. I think it’s incredibly selfish and self absorbed to believe that you are the only mother that matters wherever in the chronological order of things you are. I’m so grateful my boys married decent humans.

Did you even read the OP? It’s the MIL being over bearing and DH pandering to her. OP hasn’t done anything wrong.

You really think the OP should be running around after MIL getting her drinks and food?

I dont think my Mum has spent Mothers Day with my brother since his eldest was born

He does however see her as close to the day as possible. This year he & I and his younger daughter have a table booked for Monday for lunch. I'm working Sunday & hell be spending it with his wife & children.

It's a compromise that's worked well for 20 years now. My SIL gets MD & Mum gets it the day before or after

My Mum deserves to celebrate it with her children just as much as my SIL does

Honestly? I would let him entertain his mother and tell him you're having the day off for Mother's Day. Perhaps your children and DH can send you to the spa for the day.

I certainly wouldn't be doing all the work to host and entertain his mother. Or be watching the children to facilitate it. He can do it.

"oh nice! Good luck!"

"What?"

"I am the mother of your three children. I am having a day off. I am not getting out of bed until half an hour before we leave for lunch, and will not be lifting a finger all day sunshine!!"

, one day you will understand that being mum never ever ends.
I am absolutely blessed with beautiful women as my daughter in laws. We all respect each other for our differences and for our many similarities. As a family we love to spend time together. The longer I spend on this forum the more grateful I am for my beautiful; very much loved, wonderful and so special daughter in laws who mean the very word to me.

I think that part of the reason this is a big deal to the OP is that her husband is so useless generally that just having one day in the year where she can get a lie in and a cup of tea in bed is really important.

I don't care all that much about Mother's Day. If my husband remembers, which he might not, he'll buy a small bunch of flowers and get DS to give them to me.

But because he pulls his weight at home and shows me that he appreciates me all year round, I don't attach so much important to one day.

Perhaps the answer here is for the OP's husband to learn to cook basic meals, bring her a cup of tea every morning and let her have a lie in every weekend. And then Mother's Day wouldn't be such a big deal.

It seems people have different ideas of mother's day. When I had three very young children I often hosted both my mother and mother in law for lunch. I didn't realise that the day was totally about me.

I know I will be in the minority here but I think some men are so torn for Mother's Day. They have their own Mother who rightly wants to spend time with him, he also wants to honour and spoil his partner and Mother of his children.

I had to go back and reread your post that you are not a first time mother looking forward to her big day (and soon to realise they are often a bit of an anticlimax).

Even the first Mother's Day after my first child I expected to share it with my Mum and MIL. And I count my blessings that all these years later they are still alive and kind of kicking to celebrate Mother's Day with.

Stay in bed, have your cuppa, cards and gifts in your bed and then go down when you are ready to. You are going to a restaurant so it's not like your non cooking husband is having to cook for his parents.

Enjoy the day.

Time dh learns to do more than dippy eggs.

It is fine let him organize the day
No need fir you to make tea or anything
and in future days have him take on more responsibility not just once a year

@MissScarletInTheBallroom , Bloody useless husbands! 🙄
Husband needs a good talking to. Just saying it’s not his mother’s fault. I would however caveat that by saying as a MIL / nanny I do always ALWAYS defer to my beautiful, loving, gorgeous, fabulous, amazing, wonderful daughter in laws. 😊

Let the following weekend be yours and get your lie in then and sort out lie ins for other weekends too

Mother's day is for every mother( and all those who may not have children but care for others ) Mothers who have young children are no more important than those whose children are older. Mother's day is always a juggle and ways have to be found around it. Some give and take is often required. As the OPS husband has booked a meal out surely both mothers are getting a treat.

No one's suggesting the mil isn't a mother anymore FFS.

She's had years of being the "active parent mode" mother. Had her little children make her paper daffodils and felt like it's her special day.

Now OP has to sit in the wings, so MIL, who's "kid" is now 40 odd can make her self- importance felt. She's a grandmother now, with a new first generation of mothers in the family. But it's still about her. She's the priority. She's a selfish old bag, frankly.

Misogyny and ageism in one post. Wow. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Perhaps you should be directing the anger to your DH? But no. Of course not. Blame a woman instead. 🙄

Nobody has defended his decision to do that without even discussing it first. No-one.

The dismissive attitude to mothers who've become grandmothers is a side issue that's come up on this thread (as it always does on MD threads) and we can respond to those posts while still saying that OP is not being unreasonable. And most of us have done both.

So we've had "it's mother's day not grandmother's day" and now "she's had her time".

Classic Mumsnet.

Give it ten or twenty years (depending on the age of your kids now) and see how you feel about those MN tropes then.

I adore my adult kids and my grandkids,, and if anything I worry about my DDs more now, then I did back then.
I don't expect to be prioritised on Mother's Day at all, but jeeze, those phrases are so dismissive of mothers who have the effrontery to grow older.

Yes, OK.

So the point of this post is, the OP (who has three young children including a baby and is therefore deep in the trenches of motherhood at the moment) was looking forward to what sounds like the absolute bare minimum of special treatment on Mother's Day, and her husband has unilaterally decided that what she would actually like to do on Mother's Day is host his mother for him. (Including doing all the hard work, because he's strategically incompetent and "can only cook dippy eggs", apparently.)

When does she get to be worthy of respect and admiration for all she does for their family? When does she get to be celebrated?

She says in her post that she doesn't even think she'll get her lie in and cup of tea because her mother in law won't be happy with arriving for lunch at actual lunchtime, preferring to set off at 6am so she can monopolise their entire day rather than just the best part of it.