Page 2 | MIL taking over Mother’s Day

Original poster

Pinkhat123 · 27/03/2025 09:57

Lyraloo · 27/03/2025 06:42

I can see both sides of this, but it’s not about it being Grandmothers day. Your MIL is still your dh’s MOTHER. He has just as much right as you to spend time with his mum as your children have to spend it with you. You’ll think differently about this when you’re older. You’re still a mother no matter how old your children are! Ask DH to get them to arrive no more than an hour before the lunch booking. Even if they arrive at 10am, why can’t you have a lie in?

This is quite patronising “one day you will think quite differently when you are older”. I actually get on quite well with my MIL and I do respect that my DH wants to spend time with his own mother on MD (I did sort out some flowers for her). But I do not respect that (as she has done before) she thinks the whole day is about her and has no respect that I am a mother too, to the point she will kick up a fuss if she isn’t getting enough attention. On this day she is overbearing for some reason. This is why I am put off, you would think differently with that attitude if you were in my situation, especially with a new baby to celebrate with and being pushed aside by her. She has had 40 + Mother’s Days, I have only had 3 so it is quite new to me!

OP posts:

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 27/03/2025 07:20

still wondering: why does she arrive at your house at 9am?

have you actually told your dh that you want to spend the morning with your immediate family (him and your 3 dc)?

...and asked him to invite his mother to either (a) meet him at the restaurant, or (b) wait till 11am or 12 noon before she turns up at your home to meet him?
(if it's a 3 hour journey, why not frame it as him wanting her to have a bit of a lie-in herself, and not have to leave her own house at 6am and travel in the dark!?)

you then need to decide if you (and the kids) want to accompany him to this Mothers day lunch that he's planned for his mum, or not. If not, perhaps you could arrange to meet up for an hour or so afterwards, so she can see her dgc before heading home?

reclaim the day for yourself, and choose how you want it to be celebrated....

Hartey40 · 27/03/2025 07:05

Lyraloo · 27/03/2025 06:42

I can see both sides of this, but it’s not about it being Grandmothers day. Your MIL is still your dh’s MOTHER. He has just as much right as you to spend time with his mum as your children have to spend it with you. You’ll think differently about this when you’re older. You’re still a mother no matter how old your children are! Ask DH to get them to arrive no more than an hour before the lunch booking. Even if they arrive at 10am, why can’t you have a lie in?

i agree with this too, being a newly MIL myself

Lyraloo · 27/03/2025 06:42

I can see both sides of this, but it’s not about it being Grandmothers day. Your MIL is still your dh’s MOTHER. He has just as much right as you to spend time with his mum as your children have to spend it with you. You’ll think differently about this when you’re older. You’re still a mother no matter how old your children are! Ask DH to get them to arrive no more than an hour before the lunch booking. Even if they arrive at 10am, why can’t you have a lie in?

Londonrach1 · 27/03/2025 06:29

If dh not around there's no point mil coming. Arrange it for another time

Isthisit22 · 27/03/2025 06:24

if you cook for her then you have no one else to blame but yourself. Make it clear that you won’t be cooking or doing the cleaning/ making the coffees etc. And mean it. Too many women on here martyring themselves.

Jumpers4goalposts · 27/03/2025 06:20

I’ve put YABU because Mother’s Day is for all mothers there is not really a time scale on it, it’s not just about you. However I also think YANBU you should have communicated better with your DH about the type of Mother’s Day you would have liked with your DC’s whilst also allowing him opportunity to spend some time with his DM.

Hartey40 · 27/03/2025 06:00

I think there is two issues here. The main one is that you need some rest and a bit of time to yourself, whatever day that is….that is up to your husband to sort that!

The other issue is that you seem to have an issue with your son wanting to see his mum on Mother’s Day? I am also a MIL and I’m not seeing my son as his wife has said they won’t have time that day as they need to visit her mums grave (I will also be visiting my mums grave) to put flowers on. I haven’t asked for a whole day, just an hour for a coffee. They have no children yet and I have already been cast into the “MIL” role.

So I will spend the day with my lovely daughter.

Mother’s day can be a difficult day for lots of reasons. I hope your day brings you some rest and peace.

PorridgeEater · 27/03/2025 05:30

From info in op this is not MIL taking over, it's DH inviting her without consulting. Yes this is annoying, especially when Pinkhat123 doesn't seem to like MIL very much. Can't really blame MIL for accepting invitation but no need to make it so early - Pinkhat 123 can still have her lie-in.

cestlavielife · 26/03/2025 22:41

Pinkhat123 · 26/03/2025 22:07

MIL has no idea how to sort out 2 toddlers, I don’t mean it in a nasty way but she admits she isn’t able to manage their energy and it would be unsafe to leave them with her as she has a bad hip. She isn’t quick enough and she doesn’t have the stamina.

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Your dh can sort out his two dc right?
They are his dc
And at same time make his dm acup of tea
Etc

saraclara · 26/03/2025 22:34

Have you asked your DH to tell her not to come until 12, because you have plans in the morning? And if not, why not?

Original poster

Pinkhat123 · 26/03/2025 22:07

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 26/03/2025 22:04

"That's nice, but I am still having my lie in till 9am, and would still like my cup of tea in bed. You and MIL can sort the kids out, and I'll get ready for lunch at my own pace"

MIL has no idea how to sort out 2 toddlers, I don’t mean it in a nasty way but she admits she isn’t able to manage their energy and it would be unsafe to leave them with her as she has a bad hip. She isn’t quick enough and she doesn’t have the stamina.

OP posts:

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 26/03/2025 22:04

"That's nice, but I am still having my lie in till 9am, and would still like my cup of tea in bed. You and MIL can sort the kids out, and I'll get ready for lunch at my own pace"

Original poster

Pinkhat123 · 26/03/2025 21:55

Pessismistic · 26/03/2025 21:13

What’s the issue if your having it on Saturday you can have your lie in on Sunday unless dc very young. I don’t get why women go on about this on here why not say to ur dh before each Mother’s Day I want to do Mother’s Day just us and dc and see ur mum another day then mil will have to accept dc have a family of their own right from day 1.

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my children are all under 4- I have a breastfed baby who I am usually up with throughout the night and 2 toddlers jumping on me in the morning very early for breakfast every day.
my DH works as a pilot so isn’t around on Sunday and isn’t around a few days per week so I am pretty much on my own those days.
my MIL won’t help with childcare.
my MIL will only come to our house when it suits her and when she isn’t in a holiday (which is very month of the year). She wants to come on Saturday as my DS had surgery this week and it’s the only day she doesn’t have something on. She will also have Mother’s Day on Sunday celebrated in her own time.
my mother lives in another country.
we have dedicated Saturday to Mother’s Day because of our busy schedules. My DH is working Sunday.
hopefully you get my point now.

OP posts:

Heyla · 26/03/2025 21:45

I'd bugger off to a hotel with a spa the night before and stay there for Mother's Day.

Pessismistic · 26/03/2025 21:13

Pinkhat123 · 25/03/2025 20:12

We are actually doing Mother’s Day on Saturday as DH is working on Sunday.

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What’s the issue if your having it on Saturday you can have your lie in on Sunday unless dc very young. I don’t get why women go on about this on here why not say to ur dh before each Mother’s Day I want to do Mother’s Day just us and dc and see ur mum another day then mil will have to accept dc have a family of their own right from day 1.

Palepinksquares · 26/03/2025 21:13

Santina · 26/03/2025 21:06

These mothers day threads are very tiresome, if you are a mother, then it's everyone's mothers day. Unless you're going to rip each other's throats out, what is the problem spending it all together? seriously just because you get your own children doesn't stop grandparents being mothers. One day, they won't be around and you won't even be able to have a mothers day with them. I don't remember having these conversations when I was younger and my children were young, we just all got together and had a great day.

I'm sure when you become a grandparent you will be very disappointed if your children stop going to see you on mothers day.

Bravo ❤️

Palepinksquares · 26/03/2025 21:12

But it’s “her” day too? She’s a mother. There’s no magic age when one mother outweighs another mother. But generally I think you need to grow up. Teach your kids to treasure you every day, and you them

Santina · 26/03/2025 21:06

These mothers day threads are very tiresome, if you are a mother, then it's everyone's mothers day. Unless you're going to rip each other's throats out, what is the problem spending it all together? seriously just because you get your own children doesn't stop grandparents being mothers. One day, they won't be around and you won't even be able to have a mothers day with them. I don't remember having these conversations when I was younger and my children were young, we just all got together and had a great day.

I'm sure when you become a grandparent you will be very disappointed if your children stop going to see you on mothers day.

SparklyBrickViper · 26/03/2025 20:45

GoldenGail · 26/03/2025 20:35

He’s got the right to see his mother too on that day.

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Sure he has.

To be honest I think it’s all a bit precious.

GoldenGail · 26/03/2025 20:35

SparklyBrickViper · 25/03/2025 19:11

“sorry DH that doesn’t work for me. Can you rearrange with your mother for another weekend. Thanks.”

He’s got the right to see his mother too on that day.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/03/2025 20:07

asrl78 · 26/03/2025 18:29

Misogyny is hatred of women and ageism is discrimination against people because of their age. Pointing out ONE older woman is a selfish cow, if true, is not misogyny or ageism. I really despise how the word misogyny (amongst others) is massively overused and thrown around as an attempt to erect a political correctness shield against any valid criticism of someone just because they happen to be female. Does all the slagging off of poor husbands on here constitute misandry? No it doesn't, and noone is above criticism no matter what their age, sex, race, whatever.

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Well said.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/03/2025 20:06

Bikergran · 26/03/2025 20:03

YANBU, but as the invite is a done deal, don't wear yourself out running round after them, and ask them to arrive later. I'd do a very simple lunch, ideally pre-prepared, (shop bought quiche, cheeseboard, cold meats, salad, potato salad, followed by a shop bought cake or apple pie or similar) and if anyone says anything, smile sweetly and remind them it's Mother's Day for YOU, too. Tell DH in advance of this plan, and if he wants something more elaborate he can cook it!!!

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Fuck that!

He invited her, he can do all the work including looking after the kids.

I would be lying in bed until lunch was ready and then relaxing on the sofa all afternoon.

Bikergran · 26/03/2025 20:03

Pinkhat123 · 25/03/2025 19:07

This Is my first year as a mom of 3 and I was quite looking forward to spending some time with my DH and DC on Mother’s Day and do something special together like go for a meal, go for a nature walk etc (nothing OTT). I was also looking forward to my first lie in (realistically til 8am/9am) and a cup of tea in bed which I was promised.

However my DH just updated me that he is going to invite his mum and step dad for lunch out on Mother’s Day. Whilst I usually have no issue with this I can’t help but feel sad that “my” day is going to be completely over shadowed by the MIL and she it will be all about grandmothers! Therefore I won’t get a simple lie in (which I so desperately need) or a cup of tea as the MIL will arrive at 9/10am after a 3hr journey. She will make it all
about her own while I’m running around feeding them
and entertaining them etc. I feel she already had her time with her DC, this is my time now.

I’ll add last year she made a complete drama that she didn’t receive any gifts on Mother’s Day from her grandchildren or DC…. At 1pm the delivery man arrived with a bunch of flowers we had already planned for her.

And another note, my eldest had surgery today. (MIL is never is part of any childcare plan, she comes to our house whenever it suits her like every 2-3 months.) And on the phone MIL wants to come now, i blurted out “no thanks I need to keep DS infection free and away from people”. She looked at me in such an evil way like he’s her child she will do what she wants.

Before people ask- yes I know I can just ask my DH to cancel or not invite her but this will cause a load of agro and im just seeking an opinion as to whether I should stick to my guns-
its Mother’s Day not grandmothers day! DH thinks I’m being unreasonable.

AIBU- to be craving just a little me time and time alone with my own 3 children for the first time.

YABU- you should suck it up and it’s a day for her too.

YANBU, but as the invite is a done deal, don't wear yourself out running round after them, and ask them to arrive later. I'd do a very simple lunch, ideally pre-prepared, (shop bought quiche, cheeseboard, cold meats, salad, potato salad, followed by a shop bought cake or apple pie or similar) and if anyone says anything, smile sweetly and remind them it's Mother's Day for YOU, too. Tell DH in advance of this plan, and if he wants something more elaborate he can cook it!!!

dcthatsme · 26/03/2025 19:55

Who’s doing the cooking? I hope not you.