MIL taking over Mother’s Day

What did you actually end up doing?

Don't be sad, tell him no. If you let him roll over the top of you, he will keep doing it.

3 months late or 9 months early...depends on how you view things.

You're about 3 months late with this advice.

I think it is both Mother's and Grandmother's day. I would do an afternoon high tea for her. Arranged by DH...let her arrive at 2pm instead.

Can you have your cake and eat it? Can your DH be the one doing all the running around, feeding and entertaining his folks, whilst still making you tea in bed and allowing you your lie-in?

On a side note, I'd say if your in-laws live 3 hours away and they visit you every 2-3 months, that seems like they're pretty invested in you and your kids...

Definitely. But her dh has a big important job so can’t possibly help out at home.

Bit sad having to wait for one day in the year to get a cup of tea in bed and a sleep in.

My own mother wouldn’t do this to me let alone someone else’s! My presents arrived today and I overheard my eldest talking with her dad about flowers I might like. I will not be getting out of bed until 11am or do any sort of proper parenting/cleaning/cooking. You need this too and I would be infuriated with someone messing with that. Tell him NO.

No arguing, no selling, no pleas about your MH nothing just NO.

"Oh that's nice darling. I'll be lying in until at least 10am and then I'm going to have a nice long bubble bath, so you two have a lovely time when she arrives and I'll be ready to leave at lunchtime. Don't forget to get the kids ready too."

I’m sure she would get over it. I wouldn’t expect my adult children to include me in their Mother’s Day celebrations. That sounds like putting far too much pressure on them.

Make it clear to dh that you will be having a lie in and going out for a stroll in nature with dc and to enjoy some food which you haven't cooked yourself.... in a cafe ir pub or restaurant...You will not be slaving in the kitchen to keep his dm happy. He's welcome to join you but if these plans don't suit dmil then he can russle around after her himself.

@Lyraloo if you had read the OP's posts properly, you would have seen that she did actually state that her mother lives abroad (yesterday 21.55) ....

I wrongly assumed that because you hadn’t even mentioned your mother or doing anything for/with her. I’ve read some of your comments to others as well as myself, you are totally self absorbed, you came on mumsnet for validation you were right. As far as a lot of us are concerned, you’re not! It’s a day for all mums not a select few and us grown ups can deal with that! You can send another reply if you like, but I’ve no wish to engage further, so goodbye and good luck with your Mother’s Day.

It might be interesting to hear what Mother's Day looked like for her, when her children were young - did her mother in law come, did she spend it with her own mother, does DH have any siblings, did FIL book lunch, buy flowers, take over at home, what are her reasons that Mother's Day is important to her.. what are your's. If you explored this together with her, you might understand her motivations and might be able to share with her, why it is important to you.

Often, I find, that grandparents have expectations / behaviours that bear no resemblance to how they behaved at the same stage of life and that gently reminding them of that, or simply being aware of that, can be helpful.

This is absolutely correct, she’s asked a question and is now just being rude to anyone that disagrees. She needs to grow up and realise she’s not the only person in her dh life and she’s certainly not his mother!

Everyone is just responding to what you've written!
It was DH who invited his mum, but you described it as her taking over. All she's done at this point is accept an invitation. And having invited her, from what you'd written he was incapable of making sure you still got a lie in, cooking, buying her flowers or hosting. You said yourself that you were expecting to sacrifice your day to facilitate allthat, but that's nothing to do with her and everything to do with him not putting a shift in with the extra work he's created for the day.
It's lovely if that's not the case and he is far more capable and less flaky than you'd initially suggested, but posters haven't made things up, we have taken your words at face value.

how does that matter? Your dh is there. He can sort out the dc and his mum. Tell him how it’s going to be. Tell him you’re sleeping in till 9 then going for a walk and you’ll be back for lunch. Get clothes out the night before, and when you do get up tell mil that you have coffee with a friend. If she says I thought we were doing Mother’s Day, you smile and say that’s right. And I’m a mum, so dh is on deck today. I’ll be back for lunch.

I mean, if you're getting them for her in your own right as a gift from you to her because you feel she plays a mothering role in your own life, fair enough. But if you're doing it on behalf of your husband, whose mother she actually is, it smacks of "wife work".

Not only is your husband not putting in the work to make you feel appreciated as a mother on Mother's Day, he's also expecting you to do the work of making his mother feel appreciated. It's making Mother's Day a chore for you rather than a time to be celebrated.

"Can't sort out flowers for his own mother" is in the same category as "can only cook dippy eggs" in terms of his overall uselessness, which I think is your real problem here.

You're still being a martyr about the day.
Your DH, with MIL as second in command, is more than capable of looking after his own children and making some cups of tea for a couple of hours.
He is also very capable of buying flowers for his own mother, for a day that is all about showing your own mum how much you appreciate them.
If that's what you want the dynamic in your house to be, then carry on. If you don't though then you need to see that you are a part of the potential for change as much as DH is.

Why are you sorting flowers for your MIL? Can't your husband do it?

Maybe she has had40 years as a mother but so will you have had some day and your children will, hopefully, then think you might not have many left, and want to spend the day with you! You don’t mention your own mother, so I’m assuming that sadly maybe you no longer have one. I can imagine that mil’s behaviour is tough to handle, so like I said, put some things in place to minimise that. Give them a time to arrive instead of leaving it open, get your children to make a fuss of her but then a special fuss of you so she’s aware it’s your day as well. It’s not a competition, you can both have a lovely day. It’s not patronising to say, you will feel differently when you’re older, I can assure you that when your children are grown and have their own families, nothing will mean more to you than being included in their lives!