I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

It’s not just his life though is it? He’s discussed intimidate details of his sex life and how he’s dissatisfied with his wife with another woman. Multiple times. How grown adults think it’s ok is just beyond me.

OP is posting anonymously and has not shared the specifics. Big difference.

I hope one day someone betrays your trust and then people close to you are “baffled” as to why you’re upset.

if you would truly let someone treat you like this, you might want to raise the bar.

He kept mumbling that he’s not good with words, he doesn’t know what to say etc. Doesn't seem to have any problems with words or what to say when he's discussing your most intimate details with this other woman

He seemed to jump on any discussion of separating, like is it best for me to move out, is selling the house something you want to do He was hoping you'd want to separate, seeing as he hasn't got the guts to pull the trigger himself. Looking for the easiest/quickest way out.

OP you've had wonderful advice and support on this thread. I wish you all the very best no matter what decision you ultimately take, you sound lovely.

I am so sorry you lost your mum, and at such a pivotal time

That's hardly the case though is it? He's complaining to a recently single female friend. He's trying to play the sympathy vote. Maybe if he stayed home instead of meeting the girl for coffee, his wife would not be so bloody fed up. When's the last time he met his wife for a child free coffee?

He has no loyalty. Bitching about you and your sex life is unacceptable. He was forming a team with her against you and she was lapping it up. You were supposed to be his wife.

I hope you saw what he said to her when he blocked her? Just blocking is very passive. I’d want to be sure he has actively ended the friendship. It’s easy to unblock someone, but much harder to rekindle things if he has definitively cut ties.

Their entire friendship is completely inappropriate. She is reprehensible for asking intimate questions of a married man’s sex life - he has willingly let her into something which should be between the two of you, but it’s your privacy that they have both violated, without your consent. This has broken your marriage vows to such an extent that, honestly, I think I’d be less hurt if he had actually slept with her. The betrayal runs deep—not only did he share intimate details, but he also knew it was wrong, as he lied about it and hid messages. It wasn’t just a lapse in judgment; it was a deliberate choice, made repeatedly, with no regard for your trust or the difficult things you’ve been going through.

Do you (or they) have any mutual friends? I’d be curious to hear their perspective on this so-called friendship.

For your sake @Namechange20002 , I hope he’s not just going through the motions of counselling to say he tried or to soften the blow to his reputation.

No he fucking well is not! It's a total betrayal. Yes, you can talk to a friend, yes you can ask a friend for advice but you do not tell them every last detail of your intimate business. He has no right at all, especially not to a recently single woman. I would shut down a female close friend who went into that much detail. It's not anything I want to know!

The OP is on here anonymously. Have a word with yourself!!!!

It is so hurtful, I hope you will not lose your anger and won't believe the shit he will undoubtedly come up with. I don't believe in couples counselling in scenarios of betrayal. What will it do? Will it undo the betrayal? You won't be able to forget what he did, will you? So if you don't kick him out and continue with him, what will it be like - you remembering it every day and what, trying to suppress it in you? I am all pro-marriage and traditional stuff, but that would be a deal breaker for me and a divorce.

Pack his stuff. Leave it outside and change the Locks.
What a piece of SH*T. He is.x

How bloody dare he!! Your sex life is none of her business. If he wants to discuss it with anyone it should be you. If you give him the ok to talk to her about it, fair enough. But to do it and then tell you afterwards! I'd tell him where to stick his sex toy.

OP - just ignore his one.

Everyone else understands the difference between discussing a problem with a friend and setting a scene…

Before he read the thread his responses to you seemed to suggest he was wanting you to be the ‘bad guy’ and call time in the relationship.

Maybe now he does feel like a bit of a #### - but tread carefully and slowly before making decisions either way.

He’s behaved like a teenage shit, which unfortunately will never be wiped from your memory.

If you choose to move on together, do expect the basis of your relationship to have changed as you can’t ‘unknown’ how he is capable of treating you…

I don't think I could come back from this, even if it DH and OW are just friends.

There are some things that just shouldn't be shared with friends.

He’s going to take the kids to his parents this weekend, either for the day or overnight,

This sets major alarm bells ringing for me, OP, especially as he's already shown that he is willing to dump his emotions on your very young children. (I'm speaking as an adult child of divorced parents - when the relationship fell apart, my father was doing this sort of parenting as a pretext to getting the children to himself so he could make sure that we knew his version of events, in which he was the victim, when it wasn't true. Same goes for his parents).

Please be careful.

Will you be able to see the counsellor on your own, without him present? I think it's important that you do. (I might be tempted to find one of your own, and not automatically go with the one he has chosen).

And FWIW, she's single. She's not cheating. He's the married one. Don't fall into the trap of making her carry all the blame.

Is he not allowed to discuss his own life with whoever he chooses? I can't see the issue here at all, I'm genuinely confused at all these responses calling him allsorts for discussing his life with a friend, probably asking for advice.
He has every right.
Afterall. Here you are splashing it all over mumsnet.

Kick him into touch. If he's not shagging her already, he wants to and will. Also what others have said about wanting to make himself look like the good guy, and make you look like the one with problems he's trying to help you solve (the sex toy comment), all leads me to think he's either at it with her, or will be as soon as he can. So sorry...

I feel so bad for you. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. Do what’s best for you and your children. I hope he realises what a selfish, stupid twat he’s been.

I do still think he was having an emotional affair with his friend and trying to turn it physical. There was no other reason for the graphic descriptions and details of your sex life being constantly shared.

She's a piece of work too not shutting that much graphic detail down. There is even a short phrase for to do just that when it crosses boundaries. TMI. The problem with them is they have no boundaries.

Use therapy wisely and cautiously. Ask him specifically to not share what you discuss because he might share your discussions with his friend (and he probably will, but that's on him). You can also use that time to talk about co-parenting and what that might look like. It might be a good idea to start individual counseling yourself. You've been through a lot.

I agree with @outerspacepotato he is an absolute actor.

So very sorry to read your update OP, it must have been such a wounding eye opener to read that.
This goes way beyond innocently "confiding" in a female friend.

His initial reaction. Cold, no remorse, irritated to be even talking about it, saying he doesn't know why, suggesting YOU might want to separate.
and only AFTER reading the opinions of how his behaviour looks to outsiders does he suddenly change tack and decide he has to present a different face of the caring husband and father. The Poor Me.

The abrupt change of face just doesn't tally with the person revealed in all his messages.
He lied to the other woman. He's lied to you. Now he wants to go to counselling so he can sell the idea of he doesn't know why he did it, he's so upset etc.

I would find it hard to get over the way he spoke about you in his messages when your mother was dying just before you gave birth. Total fixation on himself. Total lack of compassion for you. So sorry OP.

It's a lot to deal with, with such young children. I hope you get some counselling for yourself alone to get some real support whilst you decide how to deal with all this. It's absolutely brutal but it's better its out in the open now, rather than discovering it in several years time.

God he's a creep.

Please bin him.

He will do it to you again if you stay.

He's a man of zero integrity and loyalty to his wife.

Oh OP, god help you, that was hard to read.
How she wasn't repulsed by him writing that about his pregnant wife means she is similar dregs. A decent woman would be appalled.

I actually showed this thread to my husband who said wow what a disloyal whine. He couldn't imagine any man he knew speaking about their partner like that.

Please don't feel bad that you are so appalled.
He is really not a decent normal man.
Decent men don't behave as he has.

Scum does. Men that really are the dregs of society behave as he has.

I honestly don't know if 3 young children will be enough for you to stomach being around him.

I would definitely be telling family and friends the truth about him, they need to know the truth.

Let her have him.
You are far far too good for scum like him.
Your poor, poor children with such a poor excuse of manhood for a father.
God love them.
There is nothing masculine about him at all is there.

Tell family the specifics too. His whiny complaints while you were pregnant and your mother dying.

A new low MN.

I feel so bad for you, op. And myself and many other posters are getting genuinely upset for you because we all KNOW you deserve so so so much better than him. It's your decision, but don't feel like you have to stay just for the kids 💔

This ^

What a pathetic excuse of a man , you deserve a million times better. Him and his so called friend should be ashamed of themselves, if a male friend of mine shared such intimate details about his private life I'd be disgusted and shut down that conversation immediately. Two grubby excuses for humans what a sad pair

He's ruined it hasn't he. There is no going back. The things between you that should have been private and intimate have been used by him to gratify his own vanity.

His ability to turn on the remorse after he read your thread, I think it's an act.

The scale at which he was telling her every damn detail about your sex life and complaining about rubbing your feet or back while lying to your face that he wasn't sharing that with her, the trust is gone.

He's performative through and through. Crying at his son, his showing no remorse until he's busted on a website, I think you're in for really hard times ahead. Your husband doesn't seem to even like you very much, he resents doing anything for you, and he's a liar and lacks integrity. He's not a team player. I think the most telling part of what kind of man he is is when he was complaining about you to get sympathy from his friend, in his flood of so much detail and complaining there was not one mention of your dying mother.

He is one stone cold motherfucker.

Trust and teamwork are really vital to a good marriage and I'm sorry but you don't have that with this guy.

I'm very sorry for your loss of your mom.