I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

That would be the end for me, the end of trust, the end of respect and the end of love. How horrible to find this out.

Come on posters saying their ok with this and he’s free to share with friends.
There’s sharing and sharing and he’s crossed a line most would not put up with.
The fact he’s starting doing this just when this female friend has became single is the massive red flag OP can obviously see.
After reading some posts it never fails to amaze me what some women think is acceptable behaviour.

It sounds like he feels the relationship is over. With no sex or intimacy between you, he likely feels you have become like housemates. He probably doesn't want to leave the kids or hurt your feelings (hence the "daddy messed up" tears to your DC) but he seems open to the idea of leaving, in a way that makes me think in his head, the relationship between you two is done.

I don't know if he began talking to this friend in the hopes a female perspective would help him fix things between you. But I think your gut instinct now is right. His feelings have shifted out of a platonic space, and he is lining this woman up as a potential love interest in his head. The solo coffees, the fact that she's single and "leaning on him" too, the general vibe that he wants her to feel sorry for him because his wife is so cold . . . it all adds up. The fact that he want back and deleted all those WhatsApp messages would be a huge red flag to me too. I doubt it's physical, but it may be in emotional affair territory. Or headed there.

Counselling is a good idea, but it sounds like he's already halfway out the door, emotionally. I'm sorry.

I can honestly say I have never discussed my sex life with DH with anyone (or indeed my sex life at all, outside of anecdotes from one night stands from the distant past and the like) but certainly friends of both sexes have told me intimate details of theirs. Absolutely no intent to seduce, and not because of reciprocating my sexual revelations.

Also rereading the messages it’s her that asks him several times, how often do you have sex, how often did you have it before kids. She’s a disgusting excuse for a human being.

My god. I hate to say I told you so @JHound but I hope you are reading this and are genuinely feeling stupid for doubting those of us who called it and called it early. This OW is a slimy greasy slt that has been sowing seeds for a long time. Those of us who saw it? Vindicated*. Even OP says she is a vile woman. So what do you say now. Huh?

To the OPs husband, if he is still reading. You're a fucking fool. A fucking idiot. This disgusting little slut has been manipulating this from day one. And you couldn't see it. She has been after you. And you, YOU, are about to lose your family, your 3 children, every thing. For this dirty little filthy disgusting thing. I ask you; is it really worth it? Do you really want to lose your wife, the mother of your child, every day contact with your children? For a manipulative little filthy little greasy thing? Really? Will you WAKE THE FUCK UP before you lose everything. Cut contact with that 'friend' of yours. She is no good. She will ruin your life. And do honestly think she will stick around once she has you? She knows the saying 'once you marry the mistress you create a vacancy'. Your relationship with that vile woman will mean you will have to pay maintenance and have your children 50%. Do you honestly worth that? Is that filthy woman really really worth it? Losing your family? Ask yourself: is it really? Cut contact with that toxic woman forever. Then get marriage therapy and show genuine remorse for your emotional affair - and be honest; that is what it was. Your wife is worth 5 trillion times the pos that thing on the side you have is. Choose your family - or that disgusting toxic thing.

Choose, and choose wisely.

The things about frequency, no, but I've had friends tell me about a boyfriend's impotence, a male friend about the impact of anti-depressants, etc. Still very personal things and people do need to share sometimes. It's not the sharing in itself, but the aim of it, whether it's innocent or he is trying to seduce his friend.

Would you share the explicit detail that he went into with his 'friend'?

Yes, many do share in general terms with their friends, but she might as well have been standing by the bed!

Not appropriate at all in my book

If he’s going to be away from you for the weekend, it’s very likely he’ll try and contact her again if he hasn’t properly and strongly ended the friendship. Has he offered to link your phone to his WhatsApp and link his phone apps and messenger& emails etc to your devices? Has he given you access to his bank account so you can see what he’s spending? Has he put you on his find my phone etc. so you can see where he is?

Have you asked him to download back ups of his pre-Feb conversation? If they’re deleted for him, she might have them. Be interesting to know if he’d ask for them for you.

And so it begins. This level of monitoring is really unhealthy but I found I needed it initially just to give me breathing space to process my feelings without thinking is he with her / contacting her. Didn’t do much good in the long run mind 🙄.

Yes, him ramping up the negatives about you and her lapping it up and encouraging it once she became 'available' is a terrible look for both of them. His loyalties should be with you and his family, but here he is, clearly looking for excitement outside the marriage instead of working on his marriage.

What an absolute arsehole.

I wouldn't let him take the children to his parents if he's dumping on them inappropriately. He sounds incredibly immature emotionally, and it will be damaging for your DCs if he's talking to them about any of this.

No, lots of people share personal secrets with their friends. For those who don't have a therapist, who else is there to share with?
Loads of people on MN don't believe in platonic friendships between men and women though and OP's update seems to suggest they may be right in this case.

Like other posters I found your update really upsetting to read OP. I also wouldn't be happy about taking the children with him to his parents, as it's actually 'Mother's Day' this weekend, so I think I would want him to either go on his own, or come back on Sunday and make sure that he helps the children give you a day that you deserve.

Personally, even though I can totally understand your need to protect your children, I know that in your shoes I couldn't even consider staying with him after this. He has behaved appallingly, and in all honesty, I'd be VERY surprised if you could ever put this behind you, as once the trust is broken, it is EXTREMELY hard to get it back. Obviously it's your choice, and you may find that counselling helps, but just giving my take on this awful situation.

I'm also very sorry about the loss of your Mum, and while not being a great believer in counselling, I was persuaded to try it, after I lost my Mum, as I was totally devastated, and really struggling with it. As it turned out, I only went once, but it really did help, so I think in your shoes, I would be tempted to give it a try.

It's not "sharing with a friend" when a man tells a single female friend that his wife doesn't want sex. It is literally, LITERALLY the sentence in the script before they start on about how they're basically just roommates and together for the kids.

The only reason he's gone all stony-faced is that it's emotionally easier for him to just turn on his heel and move out than hash this out with you face to face. Some people cannot stand guilt.

Ignore this poster op.

Nuts.

He was absolutely gearing up to have an affair with her.

Go to counselling with that in mind. I hope it is helpful for both of you.

You would say that wouldn't you.

I bet you wouldn't be acting the 'cool wife' if your husband betrayed you like the OP's has.

Shine on.

@Namechange20002 there are some deeply strange people posting on this thread. Their lack of empathy is off the scale. Please ignore.

I'm so angry on your behalf and I don't even know you. How are you ever going to bring yourself to have sex with this man ever again? What if he offers to rub your back or your feet? Will you be able to let him, knowing how he bitched about it behind your back?

I don't know how you would even begin to forgive this. You certainly won't ever forget it. Even if you do choose to stay with him, it will be forever hanging over you - just what he is capable of. You can't trust him. You will always be left wondering what he's saying about you behind your back - what has he said to others too, when he can play so fast and loose with your most intimate moments?

He's a complete POS. I don't think I could ever look at his horrible face again. I know it's a huge thing and you have three young children but this man has shit all over you, your marriage and your children.

Think long and hard. I'm so sorry he's done this to you and I couldn't forgive his cavalier attitude to your losing your mum the way you did.

To me, his first reaction when you addressed it with him is how he really feels. He needs a good kick up the arse and MrNamechange, I would love to be the one to give it to you.

He's very good with his words when he wants to be

Well if being in a wonderful loving relationship where we shine together, and also thrive independently is your idea of in the toilet, I'm good with that.

Your "bar" is in the toilet

I have a good friend, whom I dearly care about, and I’ve known for 30 years. He has a partner of 10 years, off-on in the past, now on.

Occasionally he gives me to understand that the relationship is not 💯 happy. No kids involved. But we have never ever discussed his sex life. (There was once one remark that his gf always expects intimacy after they’ve had an argument, before the dust has settled or it’s blown over, and he finds that quite upsetting. That’s literally it.)

I just can’t fathom the inappropriate level of boundary-crossing. Yes, your H is the one that’s married, but his female friend will perhaps have a more visceral understanding that what she’s doing is treacherous, bond-destroying, and deeply humiliating for you.

My bar is very high, it's why my husband has full autonomy and can choose which aspects of his life to share with whoever he pleases. As can I.
There's nothing that he could say that I would be ashamed or embarrassed by, and as for betrayed, again, not possible as he can talk to whoever about whatever. It's his life. I have chosen to share with him. He can choose to share that if he wants to

I wouldn’t want him to take the DC to his parents this weekend. If he can talk about you to his “friend”, then he might talk about you to his parents infront of your DCs. As they are his parents they are likely to side with him and your DC could come back from the weekend thinking you have done something wrong and upset Daddy. He sounds like a manipulative man. I wouldn’t risk it. I would rather risk sending him to his parents alone and him going to his “friends” house instead.

You have seen his true colours now, he cannot be trusted. Treat him like an untrustworthy gossip, gossips will run you down to everyone. Don’t give him opportunity to get into your DCs heads, he’s already tried it since this has come out by crying on your children’s bedroom floor. Don’t give him anymore opportunities to try and manipulate your children.

I'm so sorry about your Mum. What a bloody hideous, dreadful time you've had. My heart goes out to you.

Your 'D'H is an utter disgrace and not worth the shit off your shoe. Part of me would think, why the fuck would I want to even try to stay with this arsehole but of course, you have 3 children to consider and blowing their world apart is not to be taken lightly. (That said, there are plenty of us who grew up with waring, bickering, unfaithful and unhappy parents and remember dearly wishing they would divorce...)

As for his friend, (and I know on MN the mantra is 'she never made vows to you') she has clearly been encouraging his feelings and making him think 'the grass is greener'. She should be ashamed of herself; knowing that she's helping to ruin a marriage for fun.

I hope the counselling helps you OP, however your situation lands and that you find peace with it all but also that you can deal with your grief properly. 💐

So you're ok with your partner telling a female friend about your blowjobs and handjobs and how often you had sex, with a background of your mother's terminal illness and subsequent death weeks before the birth of your child?

Like hell you would.

At least he’s making the right noises, I really hope this continues.
Like others I would not want him away this weekend - it gives them both the temptation to get in touch. Do something as a family, your kids will appreciate that more I’m sure. Play happy families for your children, get a couple of Oscars for your performance. They’ve already noticed something is wrong. Do something fun.
If it was me the friendship has to be over completely not just for a week or two. He has to be completely open with his phone/computer etc again not just for now but forever.
I’ll put my tin hat on! We’ve been married donkeys years and have always had complete access to each others phones - why wouldn’t you? My husband has never had a female friend either, perhaps I’m insecure but I really wouldn’t like it. … and just for the MN who really want to put the boot in ….if I’d had an au pair/nanny it would have been a guy not a Cameron Diaz lookalike! 🤣