I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

don't listen to MN as the only advice you get "is kick him out or divorce him" from the man haters.

Wow..

Why do you think people like OP come here, because they need support in an incredibly difficult time, and often don't have anyone to turn to in real life.

There is plenty of good advice and moral support here for OP, even if there are the usual LTB brigade. Your generalisation that any advice you get on here should be dismissed because we are all 'man haters' is thoroughly insulting.

OP don't listen to anyone who calls women man haters. They usually have extremely low standards and expect everyone else to be the same.

OP I would go forward with speaking to a lawyer.
he needs to know you are serious about not ever trusting him.

counselling is all fine and good but I’m pretty sure he will feel secure that the marriage is saved and not learn a thing. If there is any hope I think you need to invest a little money in actually outlining the plan if things fail. The reality of not being with you.

I don't excuse what he has done, l wouldn't like it at all, but as a previous poster as said don't listen to MN as the only advice you get "is kick him out or divorce him" from the man haters.
I hope counselling will be a some help to you and will get him to see his errors.

This place is anonymous. If you can’t see what’s wrong here then you have a funny sort of understanding of fidelity and loyalty and honourable behaviour

You might be fine with your dp discussing your sex life and slagging you off to a newly single friend of the same sex as you, but most of us have higher standards.

Oh bog off. He’s the guilty one here. We all know your sort

It's laughable isn't it? I imagine that @Twinkletoes127 would be perfectly happy for her husband to have graphic conversations with other women about about their sex life. It wouldn't bother her at all. 🙄

You're "genuinely confused". Yes, that would explain your post. 🙄

You talk about the timing of this, and it is key.

Also key is his disgusting self indulgence when he cried in the child's bedroom. How utterly selfish of him to make such a scene in front of the child. It is a very telling choice.

He's crying because he definitely messed up - he was caught.

Research your own therapist and have that person ready if and when the therapist he chose turns out to be unfriendly toward you.

This man is scrambling to keep his house, his picket fence. He didn't have time to get the OW completely on board with an invitation to move in with her, and now he can't have his cake and eat it too (i.e. carry on an affair and enjoy all the comforts of home too).

Just ick, sorry you’re going through this

It was good advice several updates back, but reading OPs new updates are just heartbreaking, it may be just 'some messages to a friend' but it is a massive betrayal of trust and the worst part for me is that it highlights the level of resentment he has held for OP for quite a long time, and through no fault of her own, which is what makes it so awful.

He was complaining about OP's lack of affection and lack of sex while OP was pregnant and her mum was dying of cancer.. this isn't a loving husband, this is someone who clearly only cares about himself and his own needs, so much so that he will try and seek what he needs outside the marriage while keeping OP thinking that they are fine and working on their problems, and he feels so justified in doing that, that he refuses to acknowledge his wrong doing or even apologise.

I'm sorry but I couldn't get over that level of betrayal and I don't think OP should have to "get over it", just so she doesn't become "single mum of 3 young kids. Financially worse off, juggling a million plates on your own, your children devastated, you heartbroken"

She deserves so much better than this.

So sorry OP , what a terrible shock and shame on them both for what they’ve done to you. Can’t believe some on here minimising such a betrayal. For me there is no coming back from this but you don’t need to make those big decisions any time soon. You call the shots here now.

Gosh OP. I’m so sorry about your situation, your mum, all of it.

PP are right to highlight how easy it is to say LTB - much harder when it’s your real life and you have to suddenly deal with three kids alone. But wasting further years growing more bitter towards this disloyal man who you resent - and who you now know is the type to have an affair eventually - would be your real life too, if you stayed.

Neither option is easy, but going it alone could at least offer the hope of a better life in the near future.

You two sound like enemies now. Based on his messages he feels actively hostile towards you, and has for some time. And you must like and respect him less than you would some random colleague or whatever. It’s hard to imagine finding love for each other again in these circumstances.

I hope you find a way forward, whatever that may be. And no matter what, remember HE did this, not you.

We haven't read all the conversations. Neither has OP. We don't know if he approached this friend initially in the belief a woman might give him better advice than a man. He may have. Just because he's acting like a prize dick now, doesn't mean he started out that way. It's a tale as old as time that a man gets flattered by a woman paying him attention and starts looking at her with new eyes.

You might think, well, what's the difference. But I imagine it makes a big difference to OP, what his original intentions were. If he jumped right to chasing another woman, that's a different level of coldness, compared to boundaries becoming blurred over time. It still hurts, but it's not quite as cruel.

These conversations may well have started out innocent. That can be true without it justifying his actions in any way. It hurt OP's feelings to have something so personal discussed outside the marriage. It hurt OP's feelings to see herself talked about so resentfully by her own husband. And OP herself has a gut feeling this 'friendship' is no longer platonic. That it is at the very least headed into emotional affair / wandering eye territory. All of that is what really matters here.

I'm just not rushing to make her husband worse than he is, when OP is already feeling vulnerable. She has enough to contend with.

Do you think it’s appropriate to send sex memes that make fun of your grieving wife’s libido?

Didn’t think so.

I have met some arsehole men in my time, but this bloke takes the biscuit. The absolute shame on him for discussing his wife in such terms with anyone. He should be crawling on his belly for the rest of his days. Utter scum.

Best post ever

Think you should find someone better
someone you could trust there are some ok people around

Very poor from DH. He’s obviously at the end of his rope though and now little head is triumphing over big head. Marriage Counselling required asap.

Good luck with that. Nothing to do with controlling. Most men will get away with as much as you let them. And you are letting yours do exactly what he wants.

Cool thanks, I will let my husband know that you said that!
You are all nuts. So controlling!

OP, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this situation. I agree that your husband should go and stay elsewhere for a bit. He will soon realise what he has thrown away.

You've chosen an open marriage just to make sure you can't get hurt. Big difference

The wink at the tattoo I suppose? That does make a difference.