I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

You’re not a neutral person, you’re his friend. How can you explain things from her point of view? Do you know what her point of view is or do you assume that because you’re both female you share a universal opinion?

Sounds like they fancy each other and are using these chats about you and DH to play out their own hypothetical relationship.

Yikes. Hard no. Even if this was a platonic male friend it goes way beyond what is acceptable.

If you are staying with him I’d say that he needs to stop all communication with her. He is definitely fishing for an affair, laying the groundwork as the poor deprived husband.

I would be very wary, this sounds like the start of an emotional affair. Especially by your latest update and him sending her the Facebook video of the wife pushing the hisband away. That says to me he was testing the waters, to what her response may be. She'd feel sorry for him and be straight over to give him sex? Stupid selfish man. Sorry OP. I'd be livid too.

That is a truly horrible update OP.
There are three people in your relationship.

I would be mortified too op, such a breach of trust 😕
Their friendship is too close, they are sharing way too much, its quite intimate really....defo a borderline emotional affair, i doubt he'd admit that tho. Theres no way your relationship can continue if they remain friends, he would have to cut her off completely if there was to be any chance of you staying together.

You’re joking surely ffs 🙄

I agree with the others. This is no longer just a friendship, it's morphed into at least an emotional affair. No wonder you feel so broken.

Take your time to decide if you want to stay in this marriage. If you do then the only way it can work is with full transparency and an end to all contact with this woman.

They have definitely crossed a line and he knows it. He needs to be honest with you and with himself about why that is.

Agree too. Lots of solicitors provide an initial 30 minute advice session at no charge. Useful for an initial overview of your options.

Me too. Clearly we’re in a minority but in my friendships it’s quite normal to discuss our relationships and sex lives so I’d have no issue with my partner doing the same, in fact I assume that he does if he needs to.

This totally!! I mean what’s this woman getting out of this exactly.. it’s cringe!

In what universe is not telling people you bought your partner a sex toy "bottling things up"?

It's an excuse to talk about sex related things, that's it. I used to have a boss who fancied my colleague and he would endlessly bring up topics related to sex or penises when she was around. The rest of the time, not a word about them.

I am very sorry and sending you a hug. X

Hmm 🤔

I have close male friends with whom I’d discuss relationships, but we wouldn’t talk about sex. He has overstepped.

I would say that it seems odd that they’re flirting now if they’ve been mates since sixth form age. Surely if they were a match, something would’ve happened by now? They must have been single at the same time at some point in the last quarter century. So I’m not as sure as PPs that they’re gearing up to have sex. But I still think he’s telling her too much!

Oh, I was tempted!

She brought up the implant and then "Is this you making yourself beautiful?"

I just answered: "No - I just want to be able to chew!"

@WearyAuldWumman
Well you gave me a laugh about the false teeth! Well done you for keeping quiet about them!

Depends if you want to continue, and if you can come back from this betrayal

As a minimum for me he would have to cease contact with her, block her on everything and allow me to do random checks when I want to on his phone to make sure she remains blocked

He would then have to work hard at gaining my trust again, including being prepared to go to counselling to get this back on track

However tbh I couldn’t get past this, who else has he spoken to? I would be leaving, then he can chat to her as much as he wants

Wow how gutting. I couldn’t get over this. He’s clearly lining up for an affair. Both of them are taking you for a fool

My late husband used to overshare with his ex. In his defence, he'd had a stroke and - so far as I'm aware - no sexual matters were discussed, but he told her more about my business than I would have liked. (There were phone conversations about matters relating to the adult kids while I was at work. DH was stuck at home and glad of the conversation.)

In the end, I put my foot down. I didn't ban the conversations, but I banned the oversharing.

I always found out because there would be a snide comment made while we were taking the kids out to dinner. (Latterly we had to take her too because her partner had died and "Mum's on her own...")

(She made snide comments to everyone, but that was how I found out - for example - that DH had told her that I'd my front tooth replaced by an implant. To be fair, thanks to him I knew that all of her teeth were false though I never told her that I knew.)

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds as though your DH has started off by simple oversharing perhaps and then the boundaries have been breeched even more. If you're prepared to give him another chance, you can try putting your foot down - but you're absolutely right to let him know how outraged you are.

An adult in this situation would say “I am really upset that you don’t trust me. Since you want to read my messages, knock yourself out: here they are. I have nothing to hide and I’m absolutely furious at being accused like this and at your snooping. We need to go to therapy because clearly we are in a bad place as a couple”. He wouldn’t hide and delete his chats.

He should not have said these things BUT you have 3 young children, do you really want to be on your own? Then watch him in a new relationship? Try to forgive him and improve your sex life. Don't have any more children as your relationship is struggling as it is.