I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

Oh wow. This is actually awful. He’s telling her lies about you to get her sympathy. He’s leading this I’m afraid.

That video is him starting an affair. She's receptive. And you say things have actually been better between you. So he's lying to her too. This is the classic my wife won't have sex with me.

He had time while he was out to delete anything really incriminating. He's already lied. I would not trust either of these two one inch. Get those copies of everything and prepare. He'll cry and make promises that he won't keep.

You can set boundaries but he can't be trusted.

Do you have family and friends around for support? I am really sorry this has happened to you

I don't really understand posters suggesting that the marriage can be salvaged if DH cuts all communication with his friend. Firstly, he has already proven himself to be untrustworthy by lying, covering his tracks by hiding messages etc so how could OP really trust him not to see or speak to her again? How can she believe a word he says? I suppose he could submit to her regularly checking his phone, tracking his movements via an app etc but who wants to live like that?

Also, the suggestion that removing this woman will remove the problem doesn't sit well with me. Do we really believe that he's a thoroughly decent bloke who was bewitched by this wicked temptress into disrespecting and lying to his wife, but once she's out of the picture he'll go right back to being loyal, honest and respectful? The female friend is clearly not to be trusted either, but since she's not the one who's married to OP that's not really an issue. The problem is the DH's behaviour. This woman is the symptom but not the cause. Who's to say he won't make another close female friend? Or start whinging about being denied his basic human right to have his dick sucked on the regular to his and OP's mutual friends, his female colleagues or any other woman he thinks he might be in with half a chance with?

I feel like OP telling him he needs to cut contact with the friend and then staying with him would basically be her entering into a 'don't ask, don't tell' situation rather than actually resolving anything.

My male friend of many years would talk to me about his issues with his ex (sexual ones included) I would give advice from both prospectives.

coincidentally they split up and some time later we were both single and ended up together and now are in a relationship

You're not neutral because you're only talking about intimate shit with the man.

Conveniently.

Are you one of these tedious women who gets on better with men? 🙄

What an idiot. I don't suppose he thought for a moment about the consequences of sharing such intimate information. I'd be deeply upset too.

The pair of you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about boundaries, respect and trust.

He needs to be told that some things within a marriage are sacrosanct and that he has crossed a line.

Of course he is free to have friends and socialise with whomsoever he chooses, but he has totally disrespected you and now you are very uncomfortable about his relationship with this woman.

Ask him how he would feel if you were off telling some bloke about how dissatisfied you are with him as a husband? And then sent the bloke pictures of some sexy man and said you wish you'd married someone like that instead? And messaging him at all hours every day?

Ask him to put himself in your shoes and think about how he would feel about you having a relationship like that with another man?

He needs to put some serious distance between him and her, and concentrate his efforts where they ought to be - with his own family.

(Frankly I'd also be contacting the other woman and given her a piece of my mind too, but I'm one of those women who goes on the war path.)

He also sent her a "funny" Facebook video, the video says the wife I wanted (ripping the man's clothes off) vs the wife I got (pushing the man's hand away), then a message saying "My life..."
She then does a sad face emoji.

I couldn't forgive that.

My best friend of 15 years, is male. We talk a lot, but I would never, ever, have discussed my relationship with my husband, or anything sexual, with him.

I am neutral, because I have known him for over 30 years and her for about 20 years. So I know them both very well and would always see it from her side if he told me about a disagreement. We do things together as families with our kids who are also friends, but we also go out for dinner just me and him once every couple of months and catch up and there is not an ounce of sexual chemistry between us.

But any way, from the updates I agree that this doesn't sound like one of those friendships, I'm sorry OP!

I'd be utterly mortified if my DH read some of the stuff I chat about with my besties. It's private. There's lots of stuff in my marriage that does my head in and I need to talk it though with someone.

@Namechange20002 quite clearly your husband feels he cannot talk to you so has talked to someone else about his feelings and frustrations. He is no doubt feeling rejected. Men have feelings too...

I have male friends and some have told me stuff like this because I give them a neutral perspective on it and can help them rationalise their thoughts.

If you're not happy about him talking to a friend then I suggest you tell him to speak to some sort of private councillor.

Kick him out (that would be what I would do) but be prepared for him to be ‘comforted’ by her.

Either way, he’s not on your team anymore OP.

I’m so sorry you have been put in this position by the person usually the most trusted in our life. What he has done is unconscionable. The man has no sense of loyalty, decency or that unique trust 2 people have within a healthy marriage/relationship.

The biggest damage I feel, is the issue now around trust. How to begin to trust again after such a betrayal. With counselling, if he is capable of understanding and owns the hurt and damage he has brought to your relationship, and if he is willing to engage emotionally, this may help.

Sending hugs, and so sorry you are hurting through no fault of your own.

He also sent her a "funny" Facebook video, the video says the wife I wanted (ripping the man's clothes off) vs the wife I got (pushing the man's hand away), then a message saying "My life..."
She then does a sad face emoji
This is relationship ending for me.

So sorry OP.
Awful betrayal.
Sounds like fancying each other has morphed into an emotional thing.
I would be deeply hurt.

So he's let you look at his phone now he's deleted any evidence, sorry op it's not good.

He’s definitely overstepped. He’s obviously flattered by her attention and responding to it. He d doesn’t what he’s sending his disrespectful.

Where do you go from here? He ends all coffee , communication etc with her (be careful he doesn’t save her details under another name such as Steve). She needs to find someone else to offload onto (she will).

OP that video sounds vile and misogynistic. Complaining to another woman because he's not getting what he wants is just so petulant. Quite apart from the betrayal of trust and the humiliation, which is bad enough, I would also find his whining 'poor me' attitude deeply unattractive.

If one of my male married friends sent me something like that I would be telling him to get a grip and talk to his wife about what he can do to improve the situation rather than wasting time sending me stupid videos. The fact that she seems to be encouraging or at least going along with this narrative that he's being deprived because he's not getting as much sex as he wants suggests she is also not to be trusted. But ultimately, your DH is the one who's married so he's to blame for crossing the line.

....and if he really wants to reignite things with you does he think you'd be willing now, knowing he'd be sharing all the details with her? In your shoes that would kill any desire i had for him stone dead.

So disrespectful and disappointing.

I don't think you can ever trust him again even if he says he's happy etc and then sends pathetic messages to his 'friend'. What a complete and utter cock he is.

He's made a fool of himself.

Same. He should be grovelling to you with nothing to hide. Instead he's doubling down on secrecy and lack of communication.

See what happens when he gets back from the club. He might have been defensive when confronted.

Yep. That would put the tin lid on it for me OP.

Do you have a close friend or relative you can confide in? You need support irl.

Does he understand what he has done is wrong? Is he accepting he’s overstepped (leapt with both feet) over a red line? Or is he shrugging it off?

He handed you his phone, having had time to delete everything incriminating? Or as soon as you found out?

It is particularly notable they didn’t have these conversations when she was in a relationship so presumably she has boundaries around that and knows this is wrong.

He could be laying the groundwork for suggesting a sexual relationship between the two of them, absolutely. But if you take literally what he’s saying, it’s that he wants to have sex with you, but you’re unwilling and he’s trying to reignite things.

If he’s deleted messages that are worse than what you’ve already seen then I’d assume they’re pretty bad and would be either looking at whether you can download them from back up, or demanding the OW sends you copies. Get him to ask her to send them directly to you - and check exactly what he asks.

You’ve got three young kids and a family - I wouldn’t jump to making a decision to split up right now. I’d seek further info to gather exactly what has gone on, I’d assess his reaction - he should be offering to cut all contact immediately for example (likely won’t and will call you controlling) and he needs to demonstrate he understands why this is so wrong even if it’s not an emotional affair.

Share this with him:https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/#:~:text=An%20emotional%20affair%20is%20a,stability%20of%20a%20romantic%20relationship.

There is nothing I’ve sent to my “bestie” I wouldn’t be reasonably ok even if slightly
embarrassed by my dh reading.

Tell me you're a man without telling me you're a man.

@Namechange20002 that last post broke my heart for you.

I'm so sorry

Of course he gave you his phone when he came back, he'd had time to hide/delete stuff when he was out!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Mine were 5 and 1 when I found out exH was having an affair. It is horrible having them split between two houses, but the alternative is staying with someone who has betrayed you. I actually had proof of a physical affair, you dont have that (yet!) But it doesn't look good, as PP's have said.