I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

Is anyone else enjoying the hugely sexist "have sex with your man more if you don't want them to cheat on you" trope? Here's the PSA: SEX IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO WOMEN. Namely, good sex. When you can have no-holds-barred sex with your partner without someone else in the wings being given the post-match report. Also that if temporary, very serious, situations are interfering with a 'dutiful' attitude to sex, it's not treated as "Women hate sex!! I knew it!! Wow, oh my god DEAD BED, all chance at sex is gone forevermore". If a male partner was having some temporary trouble getting it on, due to stress and grief, no one would pull this shit; they'd still be looking at the woman and saying "You're not being sexy enough". Fun fact! Men do still have to try hard at their relationships, show compassion and patience and empathy, and if they don't want to, they are entirely free to stop wasting everyone's time and to leave for pastures new BEFORE they line up a new relationship.

Have you actually read OP's posts?

There were problems on BOTH sides.

OP thought they were taking steps to restore intimacy, which is why the betrayal is so much worse.

He should have been communicating his feelings to his W not whinging about her to his newly single Woman friend and disclosing every intimate detail of their private life to her.

I agree 1000%
Sexual intimacy with your SO is usually one of the most important parts of a relationship.
If that's taken away for any reason, whatever the reason, that person has a fundamental right to be upset about that. They can still be understanding but they have a right to be upset, that a part of their life changed and gone, and they will grieve for that part.

How did you find out? As others have said this is a complete and utter betrayal of trust. You need to be having very serious words with him. I don’t know how you move forward from this.

I am not bashing people who stay (see my second paragraph) but I know that I actually found it easier to do things alone. It was just doing what I'd always done without a huge weight dragging me down. A partner who cheats is often selfish and useless in other ways. And somehow, I even had more money! Everything was easier.

OP seems to have some genuine remorse from her partner and I've seen many relationships not just survive infidelity, but thrive. If he's hat in hand remorseful - they'll have a chance. But it's definitely not the easy option. Genuine recovery takes at least a couple of years, and OP should also not be getting ready to accept crumbs and scraps of effort from him just because she thinks she's trapped. OP you know how you feel and what you need next; "rollercoaster" is exactly the right word. You'll go up and down and question everything you once knew; he'll have to be willing to help you through it, and repay you for this chance with an even better relationship than you ever had before. If he doesn't, you'll never get what you want, so hold the bar up nice and high from the get go. Start with how this happened; what could he do to prevent it next time? I'm guessing more radical honesty and more discussion about how to handle your secondary relationships. Prioritising each other above everything. If he's in the habit of compartmentalizing his relationships, that stops today. You're not his mum, he's not a teenage boy who needs private time; he should be levelling with you about what's going on in all his relationships, not because you don't trust him (although of course you won't, for a while), but because you're his equal and you're his partner.

If you don't feel the counseling is "right", you are under no obligation to keep at it.

If you dont feel the counseling is right for you and there's any hint from him that "he's the only one trying"/ "he's fighting for the marriage and you're not" - dump him.

I really urge you to find a counselor for yourself.

Read ALL the OP's posts, @Challenger2A7 , not just the first post - they are intimate, just not as much as he wants. And they've both had health issues!

No intimacy/sex???? There's the root of the problem, why do so many women think it SHOULD NOT matter to a man? That's f*rting against thunder. Like it or not, it matters to the vast majority of men. If a woman knows that she just doesn't like even the idea of sex, then she needs to stay away from men (and women, if that applies) altogether. Simple.

What an utterly ridiculous post.

I hope you & your husband manage to work things out & move on from this ..
Your husband completely over shared , all that said though , I thought this woman was his life long friend & he blocks her ! !
No message to her to maybe say , he has been completely wrong in sharing private details of yr marriage & it’s you he should be discussing these things with ..

I don’t get that , sorry , that’s not the right way to handle things either , blocking her I mean , when they are supposed to be friends ..

There are lots of people who think you should put up and shut up, or that you need a special reason to leave a relationship; it doesn't occur to them that in order to keep pouring in effort, you have to actually have positive behaviours, like respect, love and kindness. That you actually need to see the support and not see someone insulting you, if you are going to be able to call it a relationship with a straight face.

It's good to come back OP, only if to put your thoughts into some sort of order.

Did he go away over the weekend?

Do you think it might be worth seeking the advice of a solicitor, so that you know where you stand, if you should decide that you can't continue with the relationship?

Is there a possibility that he's seen a lawyer and found out how much he stands to lose if you split?

I would find it sus that he had no words for days, no remorse, no empathy or caring and as you said, was actively jumping on suggestions of separating, then suddenly he found his words.

But that's the problem. He's proven to be a liar. You don't know if he's remorseful or it's just an act.

Take your time. Go to grief counseling and I still recommend individual counseling but NOT with the same counselor that's doing your marriage counseling. You have deep emotional wounds to heal. I think your husband should be doing individual too. See if he's really engaging in doing the work to repair what he broke with his emotional affair.

You have to answer the question of can you stay with him after this. But you have to know who you're staying with if you decide that and he's shown you don't really know him.

You have every reason to feel angry do
what's best for you and the children Don't worry about him you could meet someone better in time

I just wanted to say I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. Your feeling of anger and betrayal are fully justified. It sounds like you’re doing exactly the right things - only time, counselling and how he engages with this will tell whether you can (and want to) get past this.

As someone whose marriage ended because of a shocking infidelity, I will say that even if it feels like you can’t survive this process, you will. Day by day at the moment, and don’t expect too much of yourself - kindness to yourself is essential here.

Do you think you need time alone? Ask him to leave for a few days? Give you space from it all.

Your reading comprehension isn’t flawless either, as I was quoting a post that referenced the video forwarding. But you do you. 🥱

It’s lovely how different opinions and experiences are welcomed on Mumsnet.

You obviously haven't read OP's posts or you lack comprehension and understanding if you think OP is upset just because her H " forwarded a video".

There is far more to life than 'housing equity' and 'pension pots'. Being happy is one of them. Having your children grow up in a happy and stable household is another.

I’m not saying that the DH shouldn’t suffer any consequences but it doesn’t have to be divorce. Mumsnet is extremely keen on advising women to divorce. I’m just trying to give a different perspective.

anyone who says women don’t suffer financially after a divorce are simply wrong. Yes you might be able to manage the monthly bills, but long term, things like pension pots and house equity are irrevocably affected.

I got divorced at 39. I live in a nice house now with a much nicer DH but my friends, who stayed together, have paid off their mortgages and are looking at retirement. It’s very different.

OP must do whatever they want to do but it’s not up to faceless internet strangers to decide. It’s very easy to tell someone to divorce, it’s much harder to be the one doing it.

It’s leaving the father of your 3 kids.

So? So what? Sometimes a woman NEEDS to leave a man, your attitude is dangerous and harmful. Sometimes divorce is truly the only answer. Staying 'for the sake of the children' never ever EVER works.

Many women are able to financially cope on their own, it doesn't always set them back.

And the consequences to the children as well as OP of being in an unhappy house is worth one thousand times getting out. Staying for the children never works, it just gives the children a miserable childhood with a miserable mum. No money is worth that.

This isn’t dumping some man after 3 dates. It’s leaving the father of your 3 kids. There are steps that can be taken other than divorce.