I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

@Nanny0gg the thing is because we were friends for so long we would talk about it together if there were any issues, and we would both acknowledge there was an issue and address it. And I didn’t say the OPs situation was ok. I mean there is clearly some boundaries being crossed due to what/how they are discussing it.

@mainecooncatonahottinroof

You just took the words from my keyboard, I was about to write the same thing !

I think so. He doesn't seem to give a shit does he? I'm so sorry. This just stinks! You must be heartbroken.

I'm not making a serious suggestion at all but I bet he'd be fucked off if you messaged 'friend' and told her that you don't fancy sex any more with him because he has a tiny penis and not a clue how to use it, never mind keep it up!

So what would you have done then?

It’s not good but if he realises what he’s done is unacceptable and that he will do whatever it takes to make you feel better about it all going forward then you can repair your relationship.
Tbh personally I would expect him to cut all ties and let me have complete access to his phone/computer - I’ll just go and out my hard hat on!

And how happy will you be with him discussing your sex life with a female friend now?

I don’t think I could live with this man any longer. Total disrespect and a really misogynistic attitude - not the attitude you show to the mother of your DC and your wife.

I’m so sorry, OP. You must get devastated. Can you ask him to go and stay with his parents for a few days so you can think?

I have lots of male friends. I am more of a man's woman than a woman's woman - I'm afraid I prefer male company. And if a male friend shared intimate details about his sex life with his long term partner (or even a more than one night partner) with me, my response would be:

• talk to your wife/partner about it, how ever difficult that might feel.
• if you have talked, and things are not getting better, then do what is right for you - but you still have to talk with her about it

OP - I am really sorry. This whole thing is awful. You are not remotely unreasonable, or oversensitive, or mistrustful. Your bloke has done an awful thing - you have every right to be fucking livid, and no one sane would blame you for ending the relationship.

This is incredibly disrespectful. I'd feel ill at the thought of those two talking like that.

If he wants to stay married he needs to wake up to what he's done and have absolutely nothing to do with her again - not even a hello.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you - it's beyond cruel.

Well, what a surprise!

What were the responses to your husband's messages, by his female friend? Were there long replies or a short sentence or one words? What I am trying to ascertain is, if he's more invested in the contact and she's just giving generic short answers? Has any of her replies been negative towards you or is she openly flirting with him? Ultimately, it's easy to blame the woman, but it's your husband who has been over sharing intimate details of your relationship and sex life. He may very well be testing the waters, but is she reciprocating?! I understand sometimes we need someone we trust to confide in, when life gets a little rocky. In principle there's nothing wrong in that, but he's overstepped boundaries. He's deleted messages, because he knows full well the messages will prove how much he's been over sharing. Going forward.. you need a frank and honest conversation. If he doesn't feel your relationship is as on track as you do, then he needs to tell you, not his friend! How can a relationship be 'fixed' if one half isn't being truthful to the other?! You both need to go to couples therapy, and see if you can resolve the issues in your relationship (not just the over sharing). If this doesn't work, then I'm sorry to say, it's time to call it a day on the relationship.

All of the posters saying oh I have a best male friend and honestly I've helped his marriage because he has to talk to someone about his lack of sex life - poor men - and at least I give a neutral response --

if your male best friend had done this

"he also sent her a "funny" Facebook video, the video says the wife I wanted (ripping the man's clothes off) vs the wife I got (pushing the man's hand away), then a message saying "My life..."

would you have sent back a sad face emoji?????

If you would, then shame on you. If you wouldn't then what is going on with you and your friends has absolutely nothing to do with what is (so clearly) going on with the OP, her DH and his friend turned wannabe girlfriend.

I have male friends I've known since I was a teen / early 20s and I would never engage in that kind of conversation with any of them. And if one of them tried to start that kind of confessional / intimacy revealing stuff, I'd immediately put a stop to it and if they continued, I wouldn't speak to them again.

He needs to close down this channel of communication now. No more WhatsApp and no more Facebook with her. Does he really need either one for work? because if not he should come off them both. And anything else, like instagram, blue sky, twitter etc.

It's very hard when the kids are tiny, but they're not tiny forever and you'll get more space but you have to get through this phase together.

Your relationship is over

What bloody planet is he on! Sounds like he’s flirting. I would be pissed off too.x

That FB video would be the end. Who have you married, Roy Chubby Brown? Misogynistic, entitled and utterly ick-inducing.

Kick him out for a while OP. It won’t “drive him into the arms of OW” because he’s either already there or he will turn up at her door and she will have a freak out because what seemed like harmless fun flirting has suddenly got extremely real. If it’s “just” emotional, two weeks sleeping on his friend’s sofa or a travel lodge will put some perspective on it and he’ll slink home ready to do some serious spadework.

I wouldn't even tell my female friends very intimate details about our sex life let alone if we had issues. It is just disrespectful.

I've had male friends talk to me about stuff like this. They tell me its because Im pragmatic and can help them.

I have helped them too. Every one of them. Maybe this really is just trying to get a woman's perspective on how a woman might feel.

I kniw it feels like a betrayal and I'm sure if someone did it to me I'd feel like you do @Namechange20002 but it may be his cry for help. Talk to him about it. Tell him you're feel betrayed and talk about your problems too. If you love him and he loves you, it must be worth putting effort into your relationship.

@blandwich I hate to admit defeat but honestly, I agree. It sucks but when you’re in a relationship unfortunately certain things have to change.

My best friend is a man and while our conversations are 100% appropriate, they had to change for our respective relationships’ sakes.

I know that these days we're supposed be cool and modern and open-minded about male-female friendships, but there is a difference. I'd be humiliated and outraged if my husband shared private details of our marriage with a male friend, but it is worse that the friend is a woman. He felt comfortable sharing that cringeworthy video with her, apparently knowing she wouldn't pull him up on it. It's completely inappropriate.

I don't know that you can ever trust him again, because he clearly thinks he hasn't done anything wrong, so even if he pretends to get it, apologises, and says he'll back away from this friend, I wouldn't feel confident that it wasn't all just more lies. And that's if he'd at least pretend to agree that he crossed a line. More likely he'll argue that he can be friends with whomever he likes, and you'll be the unreasonable one for having a problem with it. 🙄Sorry he's been such an idiot, OP. YANBU!

I don’t think discussing your sex life with your friends is automatically a bad thing, what concerns me here is that it looks like he’s putting out feelers to see her reaction and if he can get some, to be honest.

You just know he’s about to post on r/deadbedrooms too 🙄

Totally overstepped so many boundaries with this nonsense, the video is a clear flirt at your expense and even the photo of her tattoo would be more than enough for me. Absolutely inappropriate and I would be contacting her and asking for the messages he’s deleted and whether or not she thinks discussing somebody else’s sex life with their husband was ever a respectful or appropriate thing to do.
Then, if you don’t want to split and want to try to salvage this, I would be telling him the very, very least he can do is absolutely no more contact, starting now, he needs to decide whether disgusting inappropriate conversations with her are more important than you and his family.
I would say it’s non negotiable, no compromise, he’s more than trashed any chance of a friendship continuing with her.
He has breached trust with this ‘friendship’ and cannot be trusted with this woman and I doubt she is any kind of friend to your marriage.
This stops now, he can’t have both.
Then you need to work on the issues in your marriage together, privately, and have an honest conversation about what you both need going forward.
If, however, you know that this is a deal breaker for you, then tell him and seek legal advice. I wouldn’t blame you one bit.

Wow! Amazing how you manage to know about 30 years of friendship from my two posts!! And as inconvenient as this might be, we don't only talk about intimate stuff at all, we talk about everything, we've been friends through the death of parents, and the ups and downs of life. Same as I talk about with any really close friends.

And no, I have more female friends and don't get on better with males. I may still be tedious though.

That video is him starting an affair.

💯