I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

I just want to caution you against taking that video as a sign of genuine remorse or that he is secretly feeling really bad.

My very abusive father used to do the same thing. He would cry and I would comfort him and he was very clever at making us feel sorry for him and like mum was the villain who wouldn't forgive his "mess ups" or "mistakes".

This may not be the case in your situation but I would always go off actions vs words. How is he trying to fix this? How is he trying to SHOW you that he is sorry?

In my opinion it looks like he has got a bit of a crush on this friend. He has probably fantasised a bit whilst your intimate life is struggling. It sounds like she values the friendship but doesn't want a bar of crossing the line. I wonder how far he would have gone in those conversations of she had been encouraging?

It is a tale as old as time... "my horrible wife never has sex with me, we are basically friends and stay together for the children".

He can't be arsed to organise counselling and he blames you for everything wrong in your relationship.

My heart is very hard towards tears. They can very often be used to manipulate. I also don't condone putting children in situations where they are comforting an adult like this.

To everyone who talks about their sex life with friends of the opposite sex, Film those chats and play them to your partner while you're sat next to them.

If the thought makes you uncomfortable you're crossing a line. You don't get to pick someone elses line when it comes to sex.

He needs to grow the f* up, grow a pair of balls and look after and respect his exhausted wife, the mother of his three young children, instead of massaging his shallow, selfish ego with ‘poor sexless me’ texts to this woman . Self- absorbed creep - ugh . Keep strong lovely lady ❤️Xxx

True. Which makes it worse.

It sounds like (best case scenario) he wants friend to agree he's hard done by. HE is the problem, imagine OP complaining to a lifelong male friend "he's ill he can't it up I'm so sad Poor me, please make me feel better"

Exclusive sexual relationships are just that EXCLUSIVE, no-one else should be involved, he has involved a third party without consent from his partner, you are humiliated by HIS behaviour.

OP his hiding from you is so shitty, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I would be devastated.

The replies from others saying I regularly talk about our sex life with other men, that's great, so long as you'd be willing to share those conversations in front of your partner and friend, that's fine.
If you're not willing to have a threeway convo about your sex life with your mate and your partner that's an issue.

Clearly some mumsnetters think its fine to discuss issues that would likely embarrass their partner with other men, so long as they're not found out.

Agreed. She is giving no encouragement. A sad face emoji here is basically saying ‘shut up’. This is him lying to his friend.

Sounds like he's planting the seed of being in a "sexless marriage" somehow making himself more available. Ugh gross.
I would struggle to come back from that too. That's so private and something to be discussing with you only.

Do you even bother to read what op wrote about her dh’s health issues before you come gloating with all the snark?

So he knows that you both have health issues that have affected intimacy, yet he has pretended to OW that you are uncaring and uninterested. He has mocked and mortified you in the most heinous way to gain a deeper connection with her. He has cruelly lampooned you, his devoted Wife who gives abundantly to him and your children, to elicit affection from her.

As a faithless, disloyal Snake of the highest order, he needs to face the music by staying elsewhere, at least for a while. He needs to understand, in no uncertain terms, that the havoc he has wreaked has serious ramifications, and that he is about to lose everything.

@Namechange20002, your pain that your H inflicted is palpable. I will be thinking of you.

In this thread, mumsnet users are shocked to discover that if they unilaterally decide to stop having sex with their partner, then their partner is unlikely to be happy about this and might complain to their friends

Outrageous and shocking indeed

I'm so sorry OP, I thought there may have been problems on both sides, but he does seem to be blaming you for everything and not taking any responsibility whatsoever.. it's the only way for him to keep up the pretense that he is a poor hard-done-by husband I suppose.

What a fucking idiot! Three kids and a loving wife

Don't feel like you need to be in a rush to leave/forgive/forget, you definitely need a good calm chat about everything but it wouldn't hurt to let him stew on this for a few days until you are ready to talk about it, it's obviously dawned on him what a monumental fuckup it was, and what is risking, and for what?

Take whatever time you need to reach whatever decision you want to make, people on here will tell you to leave him, and that may be an option for you, I'm not sure I could split up my family over it, but I'm not sure I could just get over it either, technically it isn't an affair, but it is extremely hurtful to find out he's been speaking about you that way to another woman, I hope he recognises and acknowledges that in the very least.

From your last paragraph, it sounds like there might be something left to save?

I'd do something a bit less drastic than having him move out for a while and a lot more likely (in my opinion) to help. And that is to go to marriage counseling ASAP.

It seems like there are several issues here that need sorting out. As you said, of course you don't want to be too hasty in breaking up a home with children.

Hopefully, the two of you will be able to get to the bottom of your problems and onto a better path right away. And then this will just be a rough patch in the past. Best wishes with it.

Hmmm, at first I thought maybe he was genuinely just talking to his friend and trying to get a women's perspective. But then the post you wrote where he sent a video about the wife he wanted vs. The one he has males me very suspicious, like he's setting it up so he's the poor good guy. In saying that I do think most men don't look elsewhere unless they're already unhappy and given you have three young children and before knowing this you were mostly happy, I'd suggest counselling to try and work things out

As a minimum for me he would have to cease contact with her, block her on everything and allow me to do random checks when I want to on his phone to make sure she remains blocked

Fuck that - who wants to live under those conditions or even be the one enforcing them? Just leave; that’s no way to live for either party.

I agree it seems to be coming more from him but she should be shutting him right down - as we all would in similar situations. It is easy to do and it doesn't happen with a sad face emoji when a man sends a disgusting video to you criticizing his wife and their sex life.

I am so so sorry that you are going through this OP. He is not a nice man.

I would be tempted though at your next conversation with him to say something like

"look I am upset at those messages but I realise that I have also been talking to my close friends about our sex life for a while now and I also complained about the lack of ... well you can imagine .. and they sympathized with me a lot so there we both go - they've been telling me I don't have to put up with shite sex so maybe we are on the same page"

horrible man.

I guarantee it’s the other way around.

There’s nothing to suggest that the friend fancies him - he’s clearly into her with all the sex talk. Into her in an emotional way too to be sharing all that stuff.

I am speaking from experience here.

They have three young children! The lack of frequency of sex is not a surprise.

I wonder what Goldenballs does in terms of rearing his children...

@Namechange20002, that video is unspeakable.

Your H has shat all over your marriage/family and thrown you under a bus to engineer an affair with this OW. This is absolutely an EA that is ramping up to be more.

They have clearly shared an attraction for years, and now things have escalated emotionally via their mutual confiding and ego validation. His humiliating you by telling OW details about your relationship and intimate life to garner her empathy is horrific. They are both sparking the energy with talk of sex toys and the photo/exchange re her ‘tatoo under her breast’.

There is no remorse here. H lied initially when you asked for honesty about their communication, and he is now protecting their relationship by sanitizing his devices to keep you further in the dark — more contemptuous and destructive behavior.

@Namechange20002, he is enchanted with OW and already addicted to the feelings she engenders in him, so you need to go nuclear if you want to stay. He needs to experience the sharp shock of feeling the loss of you as a consequence for his abuse, so send him away while you process your thoughts and feelings. Inform yourself by meeting with a solicitor to learn your options. He needs to understand that you mean business.

He also needs to immediately cut off OW before you will even consider a reconciliation. The problem is, you wouldn’t know if they go underground.

Personally, I would not reconcile with such a devious, self-serving, and entitled man who would collude with an OW to make an utter mockery of me and harm my children. I could never trust him, and would not sentence myself to a life of anxiety and uncertainty.

I'm going to preface this by saying I'm not making excuses for him at all, but I do have a slightly different perspective on this op, do you guys have open communication about what problems you are having? Especially intimacy problems? Are there issues (on both sides) that don't seem to be getting resolved and that you both feel you aren't being listened to etc? That is then in turn creating a 'if we don't acknowledge it it's not really a problem' type thing where you just bumble along?

I suppose my point is if there are some topics that are un-resolvable and are off limits to talk about, I could understand one person in the relationship venting those frustrations to a friend, plenty of people come on here to seek an outlet to vent, and a lot of people confide in their friends as a sounding board.

The problem is here is who the friend is and the manner in which it has been done, the messages don't sound like someone who is genuinely seeking an outlet to vent, he seems to be using it as an excuse to play 'poor me' and get her to feel sorry for him.. the replies that she gives are quite heartening in a way, because if she is playing devils advocate for you, she seems to be encouraging him to try and resolve issues and try and work on your relationship, rather than encouraging the behaviour to escalate.

I think you need a proper discussion when you are both calm, I'd feel very betrayed if I was you as to the flippant/jokey nature of his comments, it's one thing to vent you frustrations about your partner to a friend, it is another to basically ridicule them behind their back, he needs to acknowledge how hurtful that is.

It sounds like he wants you to end it?

Maybe he's mentally checked out but hasn't the balls to end it himself.

Is the lack of sex but true though?

Side stepping the friend for a minute, has he raised lack of sex as an issue before?

It sounds like he's been secretly/quietly resentful and unhappy a long time. His friend has been outlet/excitement for whatever he feels is lacking in his life.

It's funny you say you've both been in a good place whilst his messages have ramped up with her. Coincidence? Or could it be that this new ground of flirting with friend has put a spring in his step so he's been happier at home and with you?

I think he doesn't want to say anything because he hasn't worked out how much you know and he doesn't want to further incriminate himself. So instead hes blocking you out and hurting you further with the lack of communication.

Personally I'd be calling my friend and say I've seen most of what's going on, but he's blocking me from the rest of it and being unpleasant. I know it's not you driving it. Could we have a frank conversation as I need to know all for my sanity and to decide next steps.

What? How can you guarantee that?

I have male friends and have had them in my life for decades. They talk, the same way women talk. I certainly don’t have any interested in them.

However, I will say that even being very close, having talked about all the intricacies of relationships etc, none of them would be so stupid or bold as to write a text like that. It would be a couple bottles of wine and a long Bridget Jones evening style chat that had them divulging such an intimate detail. And they’ve (as with most normal people of either sex) definitely reined it in since they got married. Anyone would be furious to see someone say that - that’s not just ‘we haven’t had sex for a long time’ or even him saying ‘I have ED’, that’s him telling her about YOUR personal stuff.

He sounds like he’s massively over sharing (and might be making her uncomfortable tbh) or yeah, maybe she’s weirdly into him to happily listen to this level of detail and not want to run a mile. She’d have to be pretty enamoured though to put up with it. Or maybe they’ve always had this type of friendship where they talk about everything. How long have they been friends? If it’s since before you, like since they were teens, fine just about. But otherwise just no.

Imo he is awaiting you announcing your split... So he doesn't look the bad guy..
Wonder who he will be running to?
She will swoop in and offer all he has been missing...