Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

582 replies

Namechange20002 · 25/03/2025 18:56

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

OP posts:
AstonishedWaiting · 26/03/2025 07:53

Longsummerdays25 · 26/03/2025 07:51

Your private intimate life is exactly that - private. It is not acceptable to be telling people in graphic detail without even asking permission. It is huge betrayal of trust.

It would be unacceptable to 99% of the population,

Show quote history

I wouldn’t do it, but from what I see on here, it’s not wildly unusual for women to discuss the sexual aspect of their marriages with close friends.

Longsummerdays25 · 26/03/2025 07:51

AstonishedWaiting · 26/03/2025 07:49

From what the OP, they’ve talked about it. It’s not a surprise to her.

Show quote history

Your private intimate life is exactly that - private. It is not acceptable to be telling people in graphic detail without even asking permission. It is huge betrayal of trust.

It would be unacceptable to 99% of the population,

hattie43 · 26/03/2025 07:50

ThriveIn2025 · 25/03/2025 21:27

He also sent her a "funny" Facebook video, the video says the wife I wanted (ripping the man's clothes off) vs the wife I got (pushing the man's hand away), then a message saying "My life..."
She then does a sad face emoji
This is relationship ending for me.

Edited

Absolutely this .
this is the deal breaker and no way back .

AstonishedWaiting · 26/03/2025 07:49

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 26/03/2025 07:46

Or he could have a conversation with his wife about it first and say he’s unhappy? Groundbreaking!

Show quote history

From what the OP, they’ve talked about it. It’s not a surprise to her.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 26/03/2025 07:48

Namechange20002 · 26/03/2025 00:49

Everytime I think about that video, the messages, what he's probably told her in person, I just feel physically sick.
We've spoken about it numerous times between ourselves, what we want, what to do to make things better. So it's definitely not something we've brushed under the carpet. Up until tonight it's felt like we're in this together and working towards something.

Since our third child everytime we've done anything sexual I've got a painful UTI and irritation. So for me I'm always worrying about that rather than relaxing into the moment. I have zero sex drive at the moment, which could be a symptom of my aneamia, or possibly hormonal. My DH has been having severe health issues, which have only recently started to come under control, so there's a whole variety of things dampening our intimacy. But I feel like his messages to her have put this solely on me, so I'm the problem, and obviously not the wife he thought he was going to get.

I just feel so sad and hurt and betrayed, by the one person I trusted the most.
We have cameras in the kids room as monitors and I just watched back the video from after the argument when he seemed like he didn't give a shit, and he sat on the floor in ours DS room in tears. Our oldest DS went to check he was ok and give him a hug (he's only 7 bless his little heart) and DH is sobbing saying "Daddy's messed up, Daddy's messed up"

Why did he need to go into your DS room and cry?? Sounds like he’s trying to paint you as the bad guy and it needs nipping in the bud. Tell him to leave the kids out of it.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 26/03/2025 07:46

BeDeepKoala · 26/03/2025 02:05

In this thread, mumsnet users are shocked to discover that if they unilaterally decide to stop having sex with their partner, then their partner is unlikely to be happy about this and might complain to their friends

Outrageous and shocking indeed

Or he could have a conversation with his wife about it first and say he’s unhappy? Groundbreaking!

TheGentleOpalMember · 26/03/2025 07:45

doodahdayy · 26/03/2025 07:38

It’s likely he’s testing the waters with her but she’s not interested.

Nah as OP said She split with her husband and got into a new relationship, which recently ended. Since then she has been leaning on DH to talk through her problems, keeps wanting to meet for a coffee etc, when me and DH rarely get the time to go for a coffee.

She's after him!

TheGentleOpalMember · 26/03/2025 07:41

TheHerboriste · 26/03/2025 07:16

What an old fashioned view.

Show quote history

It's not old-fashioned at all. Plenty of threads on Mumsnet shows exactly where these 'friendships' end. You're incredibly naive. And the fact she is clingy and needing to see him for coffee a lot is a red flag. She should have girlfriends she can speak to.

Calliopespa · 26/03/2025 07:39

Namechange20002 · 25/03/2025 19:25

So she’s been a friend since they were about 16, we're early 40s now. So she’s a long standing friend. I’ve never felt any trust issues until recently. She split with her husband and got into a new relationship, which recently ended. Since then she has been leaning on DH to talk through her problems, keeps wanting to meet for a coffee etc, when me and DH rarely get the time to go for a coffee.

I’ve asked him before if he also shares stuff about us, and he said no. But something was telling me something was off. So I looked at his WhatsApp, and honestly what he’s been telling her is so far beyond acceptable.

There was also a photo she sent him of her new tattoo, it looked like it was on her side, almost going under her breast. He said something like “looks good” with a winky face. I’m just so devastated.

This is devastating op. However, don’t leap to the “ he’s priming her for an affair” conclusions. If you think about it he’s actually telling her he wants to sleep with you. But there has definitely been overstepping and I think you need to confront him and say you want it to stop.

If there’s any grooming for an affair going on, it sounds more as though she has a cold side of the bed atm…

doodahdayy · 26/03/2025 07:38

It’s likely he’s testing the waters with her but she’s not interested.

Longsummerdays25 · 26/03/2025 07:37

It just occurred to me with the crying in the bedroom that he is now positioning himself to be the victim for the marriage breakdown to blame you op. I would be very cautious, and listen very carefully. He is either heartbroken that he has hurt you and that was an unguarded burst of genuine remorse, or he is a seasoned manipulator getting the kids on side early on to firmly blame you for the family breakdown.

I think you need to proceed with real care.

DoNotAdjustYourSex · 26/03/2025 07:34

I had serious issues with lack of affection and sex within my marriage. I had exhausted all possibilities of discussion with (now ex) DH. I did turn to my friends, I had tried counselling and found I couldn’t discuss the intimate detail, but talking to my friends who were wonderfully supportive. Ultimately it didn’t save my marriage, it wasn't salvageable, but it certainly helped me to consider possibilities.

saraclara · 26/03/2025 07:33

Why did he not go to his own bedroom to cry? What a terrible thing to do to a seven year old.

AstonishedWaiting · 26/03/2025 07:33

I’m not someone who ever discusses my marriage with even most closest friends of either sex, but I realise that other people routinely do. Certainly friends (again of both sexes) often confide in me. I don’t think the friend has done anything wrong, and there’s no indication whatsoever that she sees him in any sexual light. Her responses sound neutral, and suggesting marriage counselling is standard, but not a bad idea. I do however, think your level of surveillance is unhealthy, both the reading of his WhatsApps and watching the video.

I get that you’re hurt and angry, and presumably you don’t confide in your friends about your sexual issues, but your DH has chosen to. It’s his marriage too. I can see why you feel invaded, but I don’t think you can police what problems your spouse talks to a close friend about.

DesperateDenise · 26/03/2025 07:31

BeeDavis · 26/03/2025 07:20

Exactly my thoughts. Some people
dont want a sexless marriage, I certainly wouldn’t. He’s gone about it the wrong way but seems like he’s remorseful from OPs last post.

Show quote history

Of course most people don't want a sexless marriage.
But if you read OP's posts there are valid reasons why they have been struggling with the sexual side of their relationship. With issues on BOTH sides.
They gave been discussing the issues and, OP thought, actively working on trying to resolve things.
You are implying, like OP's H , that the problem is all down to OP. And that she is content with the lack of sex. This is just so blatantly untrue.
Why are you trying to twist the narrative and excuse inexcusable behaviour? And also he has not shown any signs of remorse, apart from putting a disgracefully inappropriate act to gain the sympathy of his child.

Hazeby · 26/03/2025 07:30

I have male friends, some really good ones, but we don’t discuss our sex lives. It’s inappropriate IMO.

researchers3 · 26/03/2025 07:24

All of this sounds horribly similar to when my marriage broke down.

I would not make any assumptions about her feelings for your husband op. I also made the mistake of thinking ow wasn't interested in my DH but he'd deleted a lot of their messages and was using kik secretly.

Whatever is going on, it doesn't sound good and it's awful being in this situation waiting to find out the truth.

What do you want to happen now op? And do you have someone to lean on in real life?

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 26/03/2025 07:23

theresbeautyinwindysun · 26/03/2025 07:06

I would be RAGING watching that video, how dare he involve your child in his pathetic bad behaviour! He sounds an utterly pathetic, selfish, appalling man. Boot him out OP. He has no respect for your family. I would be asking him to leave. How dare he fail to apologise to you and go crying to your young child. There is so much to be livid about. Sending you love and strength.

This.

His behaviour in being cold with you but emotionally offloading to a 7yr old child is despicable. Does he have form for that?

BeeDavis · 26/03/2025 07:20

BeDeepKoala · 26/03/2025 02:05

In this thread, mumsnet users are shocked to discover that if they unilaterally decide to stop having sex with their partner, then their partner is unlikely to be happy about this and might complain to their friends

Outrageous and shocking indeed

Exactly my thoughts. Some people
dont want a sexless marriage, I certainly wouldn’t. He’s gone about it the wrong way but seems like he’s remorseful from OPs last post.

DesperateDenise · 26/03/2025 07:19

TheHerboriste · 26/03/2025 07:16

What an old fashioned view.

Show quote history

There is nothing " old fashioned" about being loyal to your wife.

TheHerboriste · 26/03/2025 07:16

TheGentleOpalMember · 26/03/2025 07:00

Male mates, yes, @BountifulPantry , but not another woman who recently split from her husband who is leaning on him heavily and is 'meeting him for coffee' regularly.

Show quote history

What an old fashioned view.

TheHerboriste · 26/03/2025 07:14

housemaus · 25/03/2025 19:05

You're not wrong to feel embarrassed and hurt, and if I were you I'd definitely speak to him about what you consider okay to share with friends or not. On the other hand, it seems like what he's doing is processing his feelings/ways to improve your relationship with his friend? Like he's obviously recognised you don't feel in the headspace for having sex and done something about that - unless he is talking about it in a cruel or mocking way I would tell him you'd prefer him not to discuss your sex life with his friends but I wouldn't be angry at him about it. Plenty of people confide in their friends about their relationship and talk through what's happening in it.

Agree with this. The man doesn’t need permission to have friends and to talk about what is happening in his life.

TheGentleOpalMember · 26/03/2025 07:13

beAsensible1 · 26/03/2025 07:10

theyve been friends for 20+ years!

Show quote history

That does not matter! A married male does not cross that boundary with a female. Especially one that seems to be very clingy at the moment and always wanting him to go for coffee with her.

beAsensible1 · 26/03/2025 07:10

TheGentleOpalMember · 26/03/2025 07:00

Male mates, yes, @BountifulPantry , but not another woman who recently split from her husband who is leaning on him heavily and is 'meeting him for coffee' regularly.

Show quote history

theyve been friends for 20+ years!

beAsensible1 · 26/03/2025 07:10

I’m in two minds about this, he is entitled to talk to his friends about problems. Especially as they’ve been friends for so long.
I have very close male friends that o sometimes ask for a male perspective regarding relationship issues.

I can understand not wanting him to talk about you and sex. But it is also his sex life and he may be trying to figure out what wrong!

the picture is potentially pushing a boundary if it’s of her boob. But I also think if they’ve been friends for 24 years since he was 16, they’re familiar. if they wanted to be together they would. she hasn’t responded in a flirty or sexual way at all. She is just a woman.

his messages seems to be a way of venting his frustration in safe space with a friend. I dont think he is in the wrong to confide in a close friend.