I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

I completely agree with this op.

The responses on here have ranged from a nonchalant “why the hell shouldn’t he chat with his “mates”?” to the inevitable MN “ LTB: you cannot come back from this” - the latter always uttered with a dose of condescension as if you are somehow more of a boiled cabbage than they are, as they shuffle off to boil the kettle having put the boot in a marriage they ultimately know nothing about. All in a morning’s work on MN. I have watched in horror on some threads as op’s have chronicled almost in live time the unravelling of a marriage spurred on by casual entertainment seekers who have never met them and probably have more dysfunctional relationships themselves.

The truth, as in most cases, will be somewhere in between. It was disloyal to discuss it with her, and I think where sexual discussions are concerned, the gender and sexual orientation of the confidante does make a difference. Her newly single status only heightens that inappropriateness.

But it was just that: a discussion. And he may need to vent. Pity he didn’t choose a better option, but don’t let others inflate this to more than it was. He wants to rekindle your relationship. He wants you to be the bra-swinging temptress! That’s more encouraging than if he couldn’t stand the sight of you. You just need to talk through and work on your difficulties.

Just to add, I don't think there's anything between them other than friends. They've been mates since they were 16. Firmly in the friend zone. I've had male friends for decades, and there's not a cat in hells chance they could move from the friend zone to a romantic zone. Yuk. Talk to him.

How dare you post logical and rational advice!
This is MN for gods sake! Don’t you know where you are!?!?
I demand a full retraction and calls to LTB immediately!

Excellent post

I agree with @Epilepsystruggle that for him to have a few days out of the house is not in your best interests.

Three young children to rear on your own is a lot.
I would be far more tempted to leave him with all three and you take some space!

I sincerely hope that he apologises profusely and you move forward from there if possible.
I feel desperately sorry for you.
Wishing you well.
Keep family and friends close.

This is a difficult one op. I've been guilty of crossing a line with a friend before and so had my DP (but neither of us were attracted to the friend AT ALL, we just overshared). However, your situation sounds worse tbh. And I don't think telling him to block her and checking his messages every so often is going to make you feel better. Take it from me, it doesn't give you any power or control, you end up a victim of your own paranoid thoughts and jealousy. If you want to stay with him, I'd suggest counselling and you would need a real commitment from him to work on your marriage. If he doesn't seem that willing, then you will have your answer. Best of luck to you

I think I love you. In a non womanny type way of course. ❤️

This would be my take also. It seems they have not been having sex for some time now but he has no right to have any feelings about that or discuss it with his own trusted friend. If the situation were the other way around everyone would be saying it's none of his business if his wife wants to confide in her friend that they aren't having much sex and she can discuss it with whoever she likes..... he's controlling....she should leave him etc....

Did you send memes that belittled your partner’s libido?

Op, let's take out of the equation that he has been messaging this friend, and just focus on the message content. He is very unhappy about the lack of intimacy in your marriage. This is coming across loud and clear, whether he was telling his female friend or just writing a journal. You even say in your subsequent post, that you thought you were in a good place as you "caressed" at bed time. Caressing is not a substitute for sex.

I am not saying that what he did was ok - it clearly overstepped a boundary, BUT, I can vividly remember a period of time in my marriage when DH was rejecting me and we weren't having sex, and after a while I was LIVID. I was so sexually frustrated and just so angry with him for doing this to us, that had I had a close friend at that time, I can imagine over sharing, and I can imagine not giving a shit if he found out. My response would have been along the lines of "well, if you came near me sexually, I wouldn't need to talk about this with my friend"

Our marriage did survive, because he managed to get his libido back with medication.

What he has done is wrong, but there's an underlying reason, and that's his sexual frustration, and no doubt his annoyance at you for with holding intimacy (if that's what is happening?)

If it is an otherwise good marriage, you need to talk, and you DO need to start having sex again. Because a sexless marriage often just doesn't go the distance.

My first marriage ended and we had the scenario of 2 children living between two homes, and I can tell you, it's heartbreaking, I would avoid it at all costs if you can.

@Namechange20002 Honestly OP, please be careful taking advice and listening too much to Mumsnet.

It's all well and good the posters coming at your DH with pitchforks and encouraging you to leave him, but they don't have to deal with the very real life consequences of that. Especially as aside from this one incident you actually had a very happy marriage and family life.

In black and white, you'll end up a single mum of 3 young kids. Financially worse off, juggling a million plates on your own, your children devastated, you heartbroken. Maybe even having to move house or change work/hours.
Your husband loosing his entire family too.
Or maybe him even moving on quite quickly if he's a catch, leaving you in the trenches of single parenthood with small kids whilst he has lots of 'free time' to date and be happy (then unlikely to ever want to reconcile and come back).

And why? Because of some inappropriate messages sent to a female friend. It's not great no, it's very hurtful and embarrassing. But enough to put yourself and kids through turmoil, unending stress, financial ruin and single parenthood for the next 18 years or whatever? Nah.

Meanwhile all the posters telling you to end it have swanned off to the next thread from their comfy living rooms with a cup of tea.

Even telling you to kick him out for a few days. Okay, but who's then going to do the school runs, cook tea, sort the laundry, tidy the house, do bedtime routines etc. so he gets to go off and mope, evade everyday responsibilities and think about himself with free time, leaving you knackered in the trenches of everyday life, now managing it entirely alone and also devastated?

I'm not saying put up and shut up or accept poor behaviour. But it's easy to get caught up in the moment when your livid, not thinking clearly and you have a gang of online women behind you, cheering you on and awaiting updates for their entertainment. But this is your REAL life.
You'll even be discouraged by posters if you forgive him. If you post an update saying your working through things you'll often be met with 'id end it' 'he's lying' 'never trust him again' 'at least make him do xyz' 'but he wants an affair'.

Take onboard some advice applicable to you, but don't act on any of it until you've calmed down. Remember that everyone posting will not be dealing with any of the consequences of your real life decision.

Just something to remember xx

I agree that’s awful. Why go to the kids? It’s so manipulative and will worry them. If you split, the kids will remember that scene for the rest of their lives. So selfish and self absorbed.

Sounds like he’s struggling with maturity. Silly videos sent to his friend. Sobbing to his children. Yet can’t speak openly about how he’s feeling to his wife? He’s acting like he wants to be mothered, even by his own kids.

I suggest you both prioritise some time to have an open talk, when you won’t be interrupted by the kids or have to break off to see them - and risks them seeing either of you upset. Can someone have the kids at the weekend while you talk?

He needs to be proactive about apologising for his betrayal of trust, being open about what he’s feeling, being attentive to how you’re feeling, what he wants and what solutions he can suggest to make things right. He also needs to be realistic about how often couples have sex when they have three young kids and health problems.

Once you’ve heard what he has to say, you can say how you feel (betrayed, shocked, humiliated etc) and then leave it at that while you decide what to do next. You don’t have to make a decision when you first talk. IMHO this is something you can come back from, if you want to.

We have cameras in the kids room as monitors and I just watched back the video from after the argument when he seemed like he didn't give a shit, and he sat on the floor in ours DS room in tears. Our oldest DS went to check he was ok and give him a hug (he's only 7 bless his little heart) and DH is sobbing saying "Daddy's messed up, Daddy's messed up"

On the one hand you must feel at least a little relief that he's (finally) reacting emotionally. But I do wonder why he's putting a front on in front of you with the 'ok' and pulling faces but saying very little, and all 'well it's your decision' and being quite cold about it. My first thought was the crying was a bit of a performance 'for' the camera (I doubt he's forgotten it's there??) but thinking about it I don't think so. Which brings me back to the question of why put a wall up in person, and cry when you're not around. I guess liars lie, and he's led something of a double life for so long, in a way he's just reverting to type. He presents one version of him to your face, the real him appears when you're not around. I'm not sure how you're supposed to work with that, or ever trust that the things he says and does in person with you are the 'real' him and how he is truly feeling and thinking.

Crying in front of your 7 year old, in front of a camera, forcing the 7 year old to comfort him is absolutely fucked up behaviour. Like someone else said he had nothing for you but he’s done this to your child?

manipulative nasty arsehole - now your child will come to you asking what daddy’s done, why won’t mummy forgive daddy, why did mummy make daddy cry.

he could have left the house if he needed time alone but instead he went to cry his crocodile tears where you would see him and where it will now cause more problems for you with your DC. Do not fall for this

Well, my friends and I don’t (I didn’t know one of my close friends was contemplating divorce until he told me he’d just asked his wife for one (I’d have told him not to do it on the first day of their family holiday!)), but other people certainly routinely do.

I’m a very open person but there are things you don’t ever discuss outside your relationship and your sex life is definitely no. 1.

However, @Namechange20002 there are 3 dc to be considered here.
Do not make hasty decisions. MN would have you packing a bag and leaving by tonight.
Talk to your dh, ask him how he would feel if you told a friend that he was crap in bed or had genital warts etc.
I think he’s been emboldened and flattered by a little bit of attention from this woman and has been having his ego stroked without thinking of the consequences.
Ask him if he wants to spend the next decade or longer being a single df, seeing his dc 50% of the time just because he behaves like an immature teenager.

It may be that your dh is considering cheating or it may be that he’s just an idiot who needs a kick up the bum.
You don’t have to leave and I wouldn’t blow up my marriage over this if it could be repaired.
But only you can decide. And you dh needs to work jolly hard to put this right.

100% this

Exactly. It's more than confiding intimate details to a friend (which various people on here seem to be justifying). He's telling another woman that his wife is not what he wants, and making an unpleasant joke of it by sharing 'funny' videos.

OP ignore anyone trying to make out a woman who recently split from her partner is fine as a confidante for your dh about his sex life. They are deluded.

How do you kkow she fancies him?

No.

No one I know talks about their intimate life over the age of 18! And if they ever did, it would not be in detail, just a broad brush of the difficulties and not explicit descriptions of bloody sex toys!

Nor would they be making a mockery of their marriage by sending stupid memes and insults and images to friends. No one I have ever known would behave with such disrespect and contempt for their dh/dw. This is is not remotely true.

Yep and she said she had increased intimacy as a result. Instead of realising he needs to support his wife and maybe more intimacy will grow, he’s sending insulting GIFs about his wife to a female friend. Not really constructive “D”H behaviour is it.

I agree. There really is no coming back from that.

How would he like it if she posted something similar ti a male friend a picture of a huge penis with the caption the man I really wanted, then a shrivelled up tiny penis - the man I actually have. And a crying emoji.

The well hung male friend sends a sad emoji and suggests a coffee… It’s just unthinkable, the level of betrayal. And then she cries that she really really deserved a big penis, and is heartbroken she doesn’t have one, and it’s tiny, unfulfilling and inadequate. and suggests penis extenders and surgery options as a solution with her male friend.

I really feel for op. What an awful position to be in. I’d ask him to leave. Id need to reassess the entire relationship.

Wonderfully put.