I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

A. Because she is female and B. because she is recently single and C. because OP's husband is complaining about a lack of sex and lastly D. they are very close and intimate as friends, and many many relationships start from a basis of a long-standing friendship that got close when 'seeking comfort in each other'.

This is 2025. Does all this basic facts about primal sex have to be explained?

Okay, but who's then going to do the school runs, cook tea, sort the laundry, tidy the house, do bedtime routines etc. so he gets to go off and mope, evade everyday responsibilities and think about himself with free time, leaving you knackered in the trenches of everyday life, now managing it entirely alone and also devastated?

Oh you really think he does any of that? Many women find it easier without these types of men in the way causing more work for them.

You read as a male trying to absolve this man from what is basically betrayal on SEVERAL deep levels. This 'friendship' is far too intense and intimate, and we can all see where and how this is going to go. Making out like the lack of sex is all OP's fault and not his and his health too. Then sending his 'friend' videos laughing about the reality he has? This is basically CHEATING on several levels. There can be no coming back from this. The only way is if he ends his friendship with OW. What you are suggesting is the OP stay and put up with it until he eventually leaves her for OW, making her feel far worse. Your advice reads like something out of the 1940s and is harmful and not helpful.

@Namechange20002 Honestly OP, please be careful taking advice and listening too much to Mumsnet.

It's all well and good the posters coming at your DH with pitchforks and encouraging you to leave him, but they don't have to deal with the very real life consequences of that. Especially as aside from this one incident you actually had a very happy marriage and family life.

In black and white, you'll end up a single mum of 3 young kids. Financially worse off, juggling a million plates on your own, your children devastated, you heartbroken. Maybe even having to move house or change work/hours.
Your husband loosing his entire family too.
Or maybe him even moving on quite quickly if he's a catch, leaving you in the trenches of single parenthood with small kids whilst he has lots of 'free time' to date and be happy (then unlikely to ever want to reconcile and come back).

And why? Because of some inappropriate messages sent to a female friend. It's not great no, it's very hurtful and embarrassing. But enough to put yourself and kids through turmoil, unending stress, financial ruin and single parenthood for the next 18 years or whatever? Nah.

Meanwhile all the posters telling you to end it have swanned off to the next thread from their comfy living rooms with a cup of tea.

Even telling you to kick him out for a few days. Okay, but who's then going to do the school runs, cook tea, sort the laundry, tidy the house, do bedtime routines etc. so he gets to go off and mope, evade everyday responsibilities and think about himself with free time, leaving you knackered in the trenches of everyday life, now managing it entirely alone and also devastated?

I'm not saying put up and shut up or accept poor behaviour. But it's easy to get caught up in the moment when your livid, not thinking clearly and you have a gang of online women behind you, cheering you on and awaiting updates for their entertainment. But this is your REAL life.
You'll even be discouraged by posters if you forgive him. If you post an update saying your working through things you'll often be met with 'id end it' 'he's lying' 'never trust him again' 'at least make him do xyz' 'but he wants an affair'.

Take onboard some advice applicable to you, but don't act on any of it until you've calmed down. Remember that everyone posting will not be dealing with any of the consequences of your real life decision.

Just something to remember xx

This is such a mindblowingly backwards attitude.

They are friends. Gender is irrelevant.

Single women aren’t these predatory Jezebels seeking to steal your husband. Grow up.

Why “to a single woman”?

If he was saying this to a single man would that be ok? How about if she was married?

The way you cannot understand that they are different at a fundamental level is wild to me. I never thought so many people would still be ever so naive.

If you don't understand why girls meeting up with their girlfriends is different than this scenario, you've led quite a sheltered life and I don't now what to say.

The way people insist on viewing same and opposite sex friendships as different is wild to me.

And yet there are posts on Mn every week about female friends who’ve just become single and suddenly want to see the (female) OP all the time because (a) they have more free time and (b) they want to vent/cry/rage about their ex. No sexual motive for new ‘clinginess’.

But was your friend male or female, @retirementislooming ? That makes all the difference. It's different a male confiding in the guys or us confiding in our girlfriends. You cannot take that out of the equation because it is central to the whole thing. Especially since OP said She split with her husband and got into a new relationship, which recently ended. Since then she has been leaning on DH to talk through her problems, keeps wanting to meet for a coffee etc, when me and DH rarely get the time to go for a coffee.

This woman is making a play for him, and they are too intimate together on a few levels.

Can't you see a married man going in depth about him and his wife's sex life to a single woman is not appropriate??

OP has said they are having sex, just not as often as he wants. He appears to have a very high sex drive, and OP a normal one. It's his expectations here that not reality.

Oh god not this nonsense of the “predatory single woman”.

Maybe she is just hurting after her last relationship breakdown and seeking her’s friend’s emotional support.

Nobody has said she’s an “evil person” nor are they clutching any pearls. I’m unclear how stating that married men should not be disclosing this sort of intimate information about his wife to a single woman is controversial. Especially when the wife is devastated by this level of over sharing.

And yet there are posts on Mn every week about female friends who’ve just become single and suddenly want to see the (female) OP all the time because (a) they have more free time and (b) they want to vent/cry/rage about their ex. No sexual motive for new ‘clinginess’.

You have clearly forgotten that she is recently single and is clearly clingy and always wanting to meet with alone for coffee more and more.

Surely you can't be this naive.

You have clearly forgotten that she is recently single and is clearly clingy and always wanting to meet with alone for coffee more and more.

Surely you can't be this naive.

There’s “close confidante” and then there’s sharing information about a sex toy he bought his wife and now he hopes she’ll use it!

How is that anyone else’s business? He’s clearly instigating sexual conversation to try to push to more intimate chat.

Oh, come on. Haven’t we evolved past this narrow-minded pearl-clutching?

Single people aren’t evil predators, nor are they desperados who will jump into bed with anyone who gives them the time of day. The husband in this case hardly sounds desirable.

They are old friends dating back to school days.

Oh, come on. Haven’t we evolved past this narrow-minded pearl-clutching?

Single people aren’t evil predators, nor are they desperados who will jump into bed with anyone who gives them the time of day. The husband in this case hardly sounds desirable.

They are old friends dating back to school days.

He should not have said these things BUT you have 3 young children, do you really want to be on your own? Then watch him in a new relationship? Try to forgive him and improve your sex life. Don't have any more children as your relationship is struggling as it is.

feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

Oh I see that’s because she is a friend. I guess whether or not it is a “betrayal” depends on the agreed relationship rules.

Personally I fully expect my partner to have a close confidante and friend outside of our relationship. I think it is healthy. Evidently you feel differently but you cannot assume he would have been aware of that.

You need to arrange to have a clear, in-depth discussion on the topic.

His guy friends yes. Not a SINGLE WOMAN. There is a huge difference. It wouldn't be appropriate for a married woman to discuss her and her husband's sex life with a single man either.

So she’s been a friend since they were about 16, we're early 40s now. So she’s a long standing friend. I’ve never felt any trust issues until recently. She split with her husband and got into a new relationship, which recently ended. Since then she has been leaning on DH to talk through her problems, keeps wanting to meet for a coffee etc, when me and DH rarely get the time to go for a coffee.

I’ve asked him before if he also shares stuff about us, and he said no. But something was telling me something was off. So I looked at his WhatsApp, and honestly what he’s been telling her is so far beyond acceptable.

There was also a photo she sent him of her new tattoo, it looked like it was on her side, almost going under her breast. He said something like “looks good” with a winky face. I’m just so devastated.