I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

I actually don't think that part is true..

Since then she has been leaning on DH to talk through her problems, keeps wanting to meet for a coffee etc, when me and DH rarely get the time to go for a coffee.

I think that is what he has TOLD op, and she probably believed it at the time (why wouldn't she?), but knowing everything she knows now, I think it is pretty obvious that it is him that is pushing for the meet ups for coffee/chats etc.

In the same way as he blames OP for their marital problems, he is blaming the OW for instigating these coffee dates.

You sound very immature.

A “female” (huge red flag) leans on her close friends irrespective of gender. Some of us, our closest friendships are with men and it is them we turn to for emotional support.

You are not all women so stop speaking on behalf of all of us.

I posted links earlier about friends who had been friends for many many years, and then started a relationship. It happens. The OP said: She split with her husband and got into a new relationship, which recently ended. Since then she has been leaning on DH to talk through her problems, keeps wanting to meet for a coffee etc, when me and DH rarely get the time to go for a coffee.

She's after him!

It's very obvious. A female would lean on her girlfriends, not a married man with 3 kids.... unless there was an ulterior motive.

I actually don't think that part is true..

Since then she has been leaning on DH to talk through her problems, keeps wanting to meet for a coffee etc, when me and DH rarely get the time to go for a coffee.

I think that is what he has TOLD op, and she probably believed it at the time (why wouldn't she?), but knowing everything she knows now, I think it is pretty obvious that it is him that is pushing for the meet ups for coffee/chats etc.

In the same way as he blames OP for their marital problems, he is blaming the OW for instigating these coffee dates.

I posted links earlier about friends who had been friends for many many years, and then started a relationship. It happens. The OP said: She split with her husband and got into a new relationship, which recently ended. Since then she has been leaning on DH to talk through her problems, keeps wanting to meet for a coffee etc, when me and DH rarely get the time to go for a coffee.

She's after him!

It's very obvious. A female would lean on her girlfriends, not a married man with 3 kids.... unless there was an ulterior motive.

I posted yesterday saying that they’re childhood friends who would’ve got together by now if there’d been good chemistry, and an inclination in both sides.

Your update (about her not flirting or engaging particularly) makes me even more convinced of this.

I just don’t think she’s his next girlfriend OP. As I said before, he’s acted poorly. But I still don’t think that they’re going to ride off into the sunset together. I’d honestly set her aside in your mind and focus on his unreasonable and disrespectful behaviour.

In principle I don’t see the problem I’m sharing problems with a friend, even if they are about intimate aspects of a relationship. However it doesn’t seem like your H has been very mature or respectful in how he’s done this - sending the video for example - it sounds very crass.

On balance though, I think you are potentially overreacting. Is it possible to put in place new privacy boundaries so this doesn’t happen again? Perhaps you could reflect on whether you have been difficult to talk to about sex and physical affection (genuinely I don’t know and not accusing you here)?

In principle I don’t see the problem I’m sharing problems with a friend, even if they are about intimate aspects of a relationship. However it doesn’t seem like your H has been very mature or respectful in how he’s done this - sending the video for example - it sounds very crass.

On balance though, I think you are potentially overreacting. Is it possible to put in place new privacy boundaries so this doesn’t happen again? Perhaps you could reflect on whether you have been difficult to talk to about sex and physical affection (genuinely I don’t know and not accusing you here)?

I share everything about everything with my best friend, and relationship issues (from sex to emotional stuff) are something we talk through together a lot, trying to work out what’s happening, what the best course of action is, what might help each other’s partners, etc. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without someone to talk this stuff through with and I know she feels the same. So i don’t necessarilty think this is disrespectful. But I know many others feel they don’t want their partner discussing their intimate life with anyone. I just think with the right friend, talking stuff through with a trusted confidante who is on the outside of the situation can help massively.

Everytime I think about that video, the messages, what he's probably told her in person, I just feel physically sick.
We've spoken about it numerous times between ourselves, what we want, what to do to make things better. So it's definitely not something we've brushed under the carpet. Up until tonight it's felt like we're in this together and working towards something.

Since our third child everytime we've done anything sexual I've got a painful UTI and irritation. So for me I'm always worrying about that rather than relaxing into the moment. I have zero sex drive at the moment, which could be a symptom of my aneamia, or possibly hormonal. My DH has been having severe health issues, which have only recently started to come under control, so there's a whole variety of things dampening our intimacy. But I feel like his messages to her have put this solely on me, so I'm the problem, and obviously not the wife he thought he was going to get.

I just feel so sad and hurt and betrayed, by the one person I trusted the most.
We have cameras in the kids room as monitors and I just watched back the video from after the argument when he seemed like he didn't give a shit, and he sat on the floor in ours DS room in tears. Our oldest DS went to check he was ok and give him a hug (he's only 7 bless his little heart) and DH is sobbing saying "Daddy's messed up, Daddy's messed up"

I share everything about everything with my best friend, and relationship issues (from sex to emotional stuff) are something we talk through together a lot, trying to work out what’s happening, what the best course of action is, what might help each other’s partners, etc. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without someone to talk this stuff through with and I know she feels the same. So i don’t necessarilty think this is disrespectful. But I know many others feel they don’t want their partner discussing their intimate life with anyone. I just think with the right friend, talking stuff through with a trusted confidante who is on the outside of the situation can help massively.

@Namechange20002 Honestly OP, please be careful taking advice and listening too much to Mumsnet.

It's all well and good the posters coming at your DH with pitchforks and encouraging you to leave him, but they don't have to deal with the very real life consequences of that. Especially as aside from this one incident you actually had a very happy marriage and family life.

In black and white, you'll end up a single mum of 3 young kids. Financially worse off, juggling a million plates on your own, your children devastated, you heartbroken. Maybe even having to move house or change work/hours.
Your husband loosing his entire family too.
Or maybe him even moving on quite quickly if he's a catch, leaving you in the trenches of single parenthood with small kids whilst he has lots of 'free time' to date and be happy (then unlikely to ever want to reconcile and come back).

And why? Because of some inappropriate messages sent to a female friend. It's not great no, it's very hurtful and embarrassing. But enough to put yourself and kids through turmoil, unending stress, financial ruin and single parenthood for the next 18 years or whatever? Nah.

Meanwhile all the posters telling you to end it have swanned off to the next thread from their comfy living rooms with a cup of tea.

Even telling you to kick him out for a few days. Okay, but who's then going to do the school runs, cook tea, sort the laundry, tidy the house, do bedtime routines etc. so he gets to go off and mope, evade everyday responsibilities and think about himself with free time, leaving you knackered in the trenches of everyday life, now managing it entirely alone and also devastated?

I'm not saying put up and shut up or accept poor behaviour. But it's easy to get caught up in the moment when your livid, not thinking clearly and you have a gang of online women behind you, cheering you on and awaiting updates for their entertainment. But this is your REAL life.
You'll even be discouraged by posters if you forgive him. If you post an update saying your working through things you'll often be met with 'id end it' 'he's lying' 'never trust him again' 'at least make him do xyz' 'but he wants an affair'.

Take onboard some advice applicable to you, but don't act on any of it until you've calmed down. Remember that everyone posting will not be dealing with any of the consequences of your real life decision.

Just something to remember xx

I don't disagree that if OP is hurt and betrayed then that's a line crossed. Of course I understand that it was very unwise of him to do this.

Um, what? A married man going into explicit detail of him and his wife's sex life to a single woman is the very definition of infidelity! Infidelity isn't just the act of fucking another woman, you know. Especially a woman that is clingy, always wanting to meet him alone for coffee and is clearly after him. He has betrayed the OP on several different levels at this point. It definitely qualifies as infidelity.

@Namechange20002 Honestly OP, please be careful taking advice and listening too much to Mumsnet.

It's all well and good the posters coming at your DH with pitchforks and encouraging you to leave him, but they don't have to deal with the very real life consequences of that. Especially as aside from this one incident you actually had a very happy marriage and family life.

In black and white, you'll end up a single mum of 3 young kids. Financially worse off, juggling a million plates on your own, your children devastated, you heartbroken. Maybe even having to move house or change work/hours.
Your husband loosing his entire family too.
Or maybe him even moving on quite quickly if he's a catch, leaving you in the trenches of single parenthood with small kids whilst he has lots of 'free time' to date and be happy (then unlikely to ever want to reconcile and come back).

And why? Because of some inappropriate messages sent to a female friend. It's not great no, it's very hurtful and embarrassing. But enough to put yourself and kids through turmoil, unending stress, financial ruin and single parenthood for the next 18 years or whatever? Nah.

Meanwhile all the posters telling you to end it have swanned off to the next thread from their comfy living rooms with a cup of tea.

Even telling you to kick him out for a few days. Okay, but who's then going to do the school runs, cook tea, sort the laundry, tidy the house, do bedtime routines etc. so he gets to go off and mope, evade everyday responsibilities and think about himself with free time, leaving you knackered in the trenches of everyday life, now managing it entirely alone and also devastated?

I'm not saying put up and shut up or accept poor behaviour. But it's easy to get caught up in the moment when your livid, not thinking clearly and you have a gang of online women behind you, cheering you on and awaiting updates for their entertainment. But this is your REAL life.
You'll even be discouraged by posters if you forgive him. If you post an update saying your working through things you'll often be met with 'id end it' 'he's lying' 'never trust him again' 'at least make him do xyz' 'but he wants an affair'.

Take onboard some advice applicable to you, but don't act on any of it until you've calmed down. Remember that everyone posting will not be dealing with any of the consequences of your real life decision.

Just something to remember xx