I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

Yeah, I can’t get past him calling the mother of his child a slut.

I would have been out the door the first time he spoke that way about her. It says all you need to know about a man.

His lack of emotion when you confronted him was due to the shock of you finding out and being faced with it. His guilt must have been written all over his face!
This won’t be solved over night OP, whatever you decide to do you have a long emotional road ahead of you. Even if he has blocked this woman he will undoubtedly relapse as they have a close bond and those ties are hard to break. He was certainly having some kind of emotional affair with her and these types of affairs are often harder to break off than purely sexual ones. Look after yourself and just take it a day at a time!

and to Wendy - your husband sleeping with another woman in your bed was definitely not a ONS I’m sorry to say!

Something similar happened to me a few years ago. My husband's female "friend" was his ear and one night he went to hers supposedly for a coffee and didn't come home til the next afternoon. I confronted him and he stormed out..... without his phone. I looked in it and he'd been complaining about me and she was calling me all the names under the sun. It was obvious they'd been having an affair. When he got back he tried to twist it that I'd been having an affair! She'd told him she'd seen me with some fella she knew. I'd never heard of him. I packed my stuff and went to my parents for four months, I ignored his calls and texts and eventually he crawled back. We sorted it out and he stopped seeing her or having any contact.

Lets be honest eomen do it all the time with their friend ship groups...

It is so sad that he has not discussed his concerns and desires with you. No wonder you feel devastated at this breach of trust in the most private part of your marriage. What hurtful insults you have discovered!

Does he know you know? Is this something you can talk with him about? I think that hard conversations are probably the most important ones. Reassure him that you will always be there to listen to his thoughts, especially about sexual topics. Ask him to respect your wishes too.

If it was me, I would make arrangements to have a private place and time where you can both listen to one another. Be honest, but not accusatory. Give him the opportunity to fully explain why he has said these things. Try to reach a clear boundary acceptable to each of you.

If he becomes defensive, which he probably will, listen closely and repeat back what he says for clarity. Ask him to repeat back to you what you say to him. By these means you can salvage your relationship. If you need to, reach out to Relate for couples counselling.

I do hope you can also ask your friend to discourage such intimate conversations and photo sharing. If he speaks to her, get her agreement that she will only interact with him when you are present and keep contact on public topics. If she wants to stay your friend, she must not treat your husband like a boyfriend.

Generally Constant UTIs or the feeling of a uti like cystitis when you have sex is a lack of estrogen which leads to vagina atrophy
dryness sore and painful sex and constant uti are all part of vagina atrophy - aren’t we lucky

thrush like symptoms of external itching but no discharge is also a very common symptom

The only way it’s solved is by vagina pesseries and estradiol cream to restore estrogen - HRT will help but it won’t solve the dryness and soreness and constant uti symptoms

it’s very common but not really spoken about

even if you don’t stay with him please please get this sorted as it won’t get better only worse you don’t want it to get worse

i compare it to shitting an itchy baby out 😂

Hey, I'm studying to be a couple and family counselor and sex therapist. You should know it is exceedingly common for men to shut down when they mess up. Happened with my own husband. I forget the name, but some of us fight, some of us beg, and some humans shut down. My husband would literally GO TO SLEEP during and argument. I felt so dismisses. Couldn't even be pissed to stay awake.

But learning that some folks (mostly men) shut down, and seemed emotionless was really helpful. Your husband on the camera crying is probably closer to his authentic response than the wall he set up. He's doing that because he knows he was wrong and is being attacked.

I'm glad you're headed to therapy. There's a LOT he's going to have to do to build trust. This may be a multi year process, but it can be done. I'm glad he's breaking it off with this other lady. That was not healthy for the marriage.

Not a coincidence!

I am guessing you aren't married with children.

I disagree with this because what's the alternative? He could have kept this up for years, it could have turned into an actual affair, rather than an inappropriate friendship (which looks like where it was heading tbh) and he could have pretended that they were 'just good friends' indefinitely, all the while keeping OP hanging on thinking they are working on their relationship so as not to split up his family.. people do this all the time, they want to have their cake and eat it, if OP hadn't have 'snooped' based on a feeling she would be literally be none the wiser.

Snooping because one person is unreasonably jealous and doesn't trust the other, is coercive control and extremely toxic, snooping because you have a gut feeling something is going on and it is the only way to get to the truth is perfectly reasonable IMO, and once you find evidence of wrongdoing there is no 'awkward position', you were completely justified in your actions.

Cheaters will always use this defence 'you shouldn't have looked' and the classic 'what they don't know won't hurt them' so will of course be upset to be found out, but the method in which they are found out doesn't give them any moral high ground.

I'm not saying is was unnecessary, and, yes, I might do the same. But the point is, once you snoop, you're in an awkward position in a fight, because the other person is going to pounce on that.

Yeah , I’m actually kinda starting to change my mind ..
She shouldn’t be always looking for OPS husband to go for coffee with her , what about her female friends, as another PP has pointed out to me ….
Maybe , it is for best there is no contact , I’m starting to believe OPS husband’s friend has ulterior motives …

It's this.

"The friend jumps in constantly with, what is xxx doing for you, what are your needs. I’ve thought for a long time x and y etc"

It is a very short hop and skip to "If I was with you I'd always take care of your needs".

Yes , I’m actually beginning to see your point ..
She should be leaning on female friends more , not OPS husband , like you say when he has a wife & kids , not ringing him all the time to meet her for coffee ..

It doesn't matter. As I put in links earlier in the threads, many times 2 people are friends for decades and eventually enter a relationship. And there is a big difference between being 16 year old kids, and now.

Regardless, a woman leaning heavily on a married man with a wife and children and family responsibilities so much so she is repeatedly getting him to go for coffee with him, when he has no time to do that with his own wife, is wrong. She surely has female friends she can lean on, possibly without the family responsibilities OP's husband has.

They’re friends since 16 though & OP has said always in contact , not like it’s this new friendship they have struck up ..
If these 2 are attracted to one another , Jesus, It’s taking them a long time to get it on !
Obviously if she were a work colleague or this one he met through a hobby or whatever, I would think beginning of an affair..

A single woman wanting to meet up more and more for coffee when his own wife doesn't even get that, when she could lean on female friends? FFS open your eyes! It is ever so clearly an affair, and we all know it.

It is very clearly an emotional affair, at the very least, and I genuinely doubt they haven't fucked. Lets be honest; it's as close to an affair as you can get.

What an intelligent, well-reasoned post. I do believe you’ve solved the issue! Hurrah!

Perhaps you should look at going into the couples counselling.

In the meantime though, you’d do well to deal with your misogyny.

Why is it ???
Friends since 16 , now in their 40s & aren’t having an affair..
You can nicely & calmly explain to me why you feel there should be zero contact , And before you put forward the private information he has shared , I agree completely that , that was wrong …
Would the best end result in your opinion not be that OP & her husband work through their issues & he still ends up Friends with his lifelong friend , that he practically grew up with , boundaries put in place ?

If my husband had told a male friend about our sex life, there would have been hell to pay. It's a clear breach of boundaries.

Agreed.

@Missj25 of course you are entitled to give your opinion. However ridiculous it is.

And it is ridiculous.

Don't be so fucking ridiculous. You do know that many women have problems with intimacy and lack of libido after childbirth and during breastfeeding, particularly if they have birth injuries. If their partner is kind and understanding, these issues can be resolved. In OP's case, her DH has had health problems as well so not all down to her. I think men that insist on having sex when their partner is in pain, recovering from childbirth, ill, tired or just not in the mood should stay away from all women because they are selfish cunts.

No , you’ll find it isn’t ridiculous of me to say ..
They’re not having an affair !
Yes , all that has been discussed with OPS husband & friend is wrong , but if it was his male friend since they were 16 ! Would you feel it fair to block ?
It just needs to be sorted out, OP & her husband need to communicate better , OPS husband should be not sharing such private matters with male or female friend ,
There was no affair , lifelong friendships should not be destroyed by it ..
That is just my opinion ..
I’m entitled to give my opinion…