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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"It's absolutely none of your business"

141 replies

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 17:10

I don't know if I'm just exasperated today but this is really getting on my nerves - both here (I've been on way more than usual) and IRL.

I feel we are not allowed to comment or have any opinion on things that go on around us.

Some examples -

There was a thread about parents ignoring their children in favour of their phones.

At a recent in person gathering the topic of Ozempic sales came up followed by a very heated discussion about rising obesity related illnesses and the impact on the health services.

Another recent thread here about people not choosing not to work; I know multiple people choosing not to work as they do better on benefits.

I have loads and loads more examples (excessive drinking, drugs, adults unable to cook or have basic life skills, insurance fraud) but it's the same premise

I'm really sick of not being allowed have any opinion on this stuff in a general way without being labelled judgemental.

I get that they don't impact me directly. But we live in a society, I do believe we are all connected and I think we have a shared responsibility to create a better environment for us all to share.

Slightly off the point but I also hate a justification along the lines of "well I do X so it's ok; nothing wrong with me" I'm thinking particularly of that thread about parents being on their phones. What's so hard about admitting yes I do this, I don't know if it's great parental behaviour.

I've found with longer term friends I'm labelled a hypocrite if behaviour I engaged in when young is not behaviour I want my own DC doing or ideally anyone's ; for example I really hope she doesn't take drugs or put herself in risky positions like I did. In short, I've learned from those experiences and want to protect her.

If society is raising dysfunctional adults, if as humans we are becoming sicker, less able bodied, more disconnected, more selfish etc... why can't we discuss it?

Yabu - MYOB, you're just looking for an excuse to be judgemental and feel superior
Yanbu - it's fine to discuss these things in a general manner

OP posts:
JazbayGrapes · 25/03/2025 18:32

You can have an opinion, you can say your opinion. Matter is, do other need or want to hear it

WongKarCry · 25/03/2025 18:28

I think I under where OP is coming from. It’s like when you complain about your husband not pulling his weight or your mum being abusive and some posters chime in with “At least you have a husband/mum, mine died. Think yourself lucky. Why are you even talking about this?” It doesn’t help with the problem at hand and stifles the discussion.

That being said it’s a public forum and people can reply however they want within guidelines.

JLou08 · 25/03/2025 18:19

You can share your opinion. Equally others can share their opinion. People will disagree with you and form a judgement on you based on your opinion. Just as you disagree with people and form judgements on them. I'm not sure what the point of the post is. Do you think people need to agree with you for you to be able to share your opinion?

FrozenFeathers · 25/03/2025 18:17

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 25/03/2025 17:17

How are you being prevented?

This. 💯

People claim they are "not allowed" to have an opinion, when what they really mean is that they want people who disagree with them to be silenced.

HellDorado · 25/03/2025 18:14

As I said above I don't think its for someone to dictate what is and isn't your business in the neighbourhood or society that you live in.

But they think you’re wrong. And they express that view.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 25/03/2025 18:13

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 18:11

Well I'm happy to hear the contrary opinion, very keen in fact if the person has insights. That's usually the goal of a discussion - getting more insights.

As I said above I don't think its for someone to dictate what is and isn't your business in the neighbourhood or society that you live in.

Show quote history

But you also don’t want to be labelled judgemental or called a hypocrite which is another opinion…

QuickPeachPoet · 25/03/2025 18:12

I love the whole e'that is a bit judgemental'.
I just reply - oh I know, great isn't it?

Original poster
Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 18:11

HellDorado · 25/03/2025 18:08

The problem with people who bang their fists shouting “I have a right to an opinion!!” usually aren’t so keen on hearing the contrary opinion - or in your case, hearing “It’s absolutely none of your business”. Because that is also an opinion. If you want to express your opinion, you need to be able to handle that one being expressed to you in response.

Well I'm happy to hear the contrary opinion, very keen in fact if the person has insights. That's usually the goal of a discussion - getting more insights.

As I said above I don't think its for someone to dictate what is and isn't your business in the neighbourhood or society that you live in.

OP posts:
HellDorado · 25/03/2025 18:10

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 18:07

No in that example about the drug dealers moving into our street I would have welcomed

"What are you worried about happening with the drug dealers?"
"Has there been any trouble so far?"
"Can you afford to move?"
"Where are you considering moving to?"

Or
"I wouldn't worry, we've had dealers next door for years and no problems"

Or
"I don't blame you, we had problems too... "

Or anything at all about the actual topic instead of a suggestion it was nothing to do with me

Show quote history

But that is their view on the topic!

ToKittyornottoKitty · 25/03/2025 18:10

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 18:07

No in that example about the drug dealers moving into our street I would have welcomed

"What are you worried about happening with the drug dealers?"
"Has there been any trouble so far?"
"Can you afford to move?"
"Where are you considering moving to?"

Or
"I wouldn't worry, we've had dealers next door for years and no problems"

Or
"I don't blame you, we had problems too... "

Or anything at all about the actual topic instead of a suggestion it was nothing to do with me

Show quote history

You are changing your opinion from the OP as you read the replies OP.

But anyway, you voice your opinion or judgement and others get to voice theirs, even if that opinion is that you are just being judgemental. You can’t control the narrative of these conversations

HellDorado · 25/03/2025 18:08

The problem with people who bang their fists shouting “I have a right to an opinion!!” usually aren’t so keen on hearing the contrary opinion - or in your case, hearing “It’s absolutely none of your business”. Because that is also an opinion. If you want to express your opinion, you need to be able to handle that one being expressed to you in response.

Original poster
Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 18:07

ToKittyornottoKitty · 25/03/2025 17:23

So you want to give your opinion and have nobody reply? Or only if they agree with you?

Show quote history

No in that example about the drug dealers moving into our street I would have welcomed

"What are you worried about happening with the drug dealers?"
"Has there been any trouble so far?"
"Can you afford to move?"
"Where are you considering moving to?"

Or
"I wouldn't worry, we've had dealers next door for years and no problems"

Or
"I don't blame you, we had problems too... "

Or anything at all about the actual topic instead of a suggestion it was nothing to do with me

OP posts:
Original poster
Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 18:01

MrTiddlesTheCat · 25/03/2025 17:20

It sounds like you want to be able to express your opinion on what others say or do without challenge. It doesn't work like that.

No I want to be able to have an opinion and hear other people's opinions (especially if they have personal experience) instead of being shut down with "it's none of your business"

Because even if we are only indirectly affected, we are still affected.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 17:57

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 17:55

Ok this is helpful thanks.

Show quote history

But sorry... I've just reread your post and don't know if I'm misunderstanding or not - the example replies aren't mine. The statements or questions are

OP posts:
Original poster
Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 17:55

Mumtobabyhavoc · 25/03/2025 17:52

My thought is that you likely do use wording and a tone that is condescending. You might not realize it. If your previous replies were examples of posts and your responses, I'm speaking about the request for recipes, then just offer a recipe. No opinion needed. You don't need to offer an opinion on everything, particularly other people's lives. It often indicates your own unhapliness as well. Maybe work on that?

Ok this is helpful thanks.

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 25/03/2025 17:52

My thought is that you likely do use wording and a tone that is condescending. You might not realize it. If your previous replies were examples of posts and your responses, I'm speaking about the request for recipes, then just offer a recipe. No opinion needed. You don't need to offer an opinion on everything, particularly other people's lives. It often indicates your own unhapliness as well. Maybe work on that?

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 25/03/2025 17:52

MrTiddlesTheCat · 25/03/2025 17:20

It sounds like you want to be able to express your opinion on what others say or do without challenge. It doesn't work like that.

Well, exactly.

fatphalange · 25/03/2025 17:50

'Why can't I just sneer at people in peace' 😂

TortolaParadise · 25/03/2025 17:49

To have an opinion does not mean involving oneself in others business. Having an opinion also does not mean being judgemental. I think sometimes terminology is used incorrectly/interchangeably and this causes problems.

Original poster
Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 17:47

verycloakanddaggers · 25/03/2025 17:32

Mainly I think it's ok to have ideals even if we / I don't always achieve them.

So long as you accept that applies equally to all. So if people can't judge you for not achieving your ideals, then equally you shouldn't judge others.

Show quote history

They are something to be worked towards.

This is a serious question to whoever would like to answer;

Do you spent time thinking about how you want your lives to be, making plans (loose or concrete) and / or discussing with your partner. Ok that was a multi faceted question but answer any part of it.

Or are you more in the camp that life is in motion, just keep going

OP posts:
Original poster
Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 17:43

verycloakanddaggers · 25/03/2025 17:32

Mainly I think it's ok to have ideals even if we / I don't always achieve them.

So long as you accept that applies equally to all. So if people can't judge you for not achieving your ideals, then equally you shouldn't judge others.

Show quote history

But I'm not talking about individual people. I'm talking about general behaviours -

Eg.

"DH and I have made an agreement we are going to do much more cooking and involve the DC. We had gotten very lazy about it Apparently more and more adults are not able to cook and this is a toll on their health. Does anyone have any easy recipes?"

Who are you to be so judgemental?
Like you've never ordered a takeout, I've had plenty in your house / you posted the other day about ordering in; look I've found you post AHA
Some families don't have the luxury of time to cook
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being able to cook (actually this one I can kind of get on board with as it's actually referring to the matter at hand)
Who are you to comment on how people feed their kids?
Ordering a takeout is one of our family traditions, so sad you are too uptight to enjoy it

OP posts:
verycloakanddaggers · 25/03/2025 17:32

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 17:24

Interesting replies so far.

Mainly I think it's ok to have ideals even if we / I don't always achieve them.

Say for example;

I don't think it's bad for parents to research methods to try to stop their teens underage drinking... Even if they themselves did behind their parents' backs or even if they know it's likely to happen anyway.

They can still say "it would be better for my kids if they didn't underage drink, I am hoping that's what happens"

It's not an attack on other parents who got a call to say their DC was in hospital having their stomach pumped.

It's not saying they have a foolproof prevention strategy.

It's something they are hoping to achieve and an acknowledgement that it would be better for the kids.

Edited

Mainly I think it's ok to have ideals even if we / I don't always achieve them.

So long as you accept that applies equally to all. So if people can't judge you for not achieving your ideals, then equally you shouldn't judge others.

Original poster
Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 17:32

FOJN · 25/03/2025 17:28

You're not wrong.

It's none of your business is a silencing tactic, sometimes uttered by those lamenting how difficult parenting can be and wondering where the village went! Which only proves that we are all flawed, imperfect and hypocritical at times but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have difficult conversations about issues affecting society as a whole or that any attempt to initiate such a discussion is always motivated by hate or ignorance.

Thank you so much. You have expressed it far better than me.

OP posts:
FOJN · 25/03/2025 17:28

You're not wrong.

It's none of your business is a silencing tactic, sometimes uttered by those lamenting how difficult parenting can be and wondering where the village went! Which only proves that we are all flawed, imperfect and hypocritical at times but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have difficult conversations about issues affecting society as a whole or that any attempt to initiate such a discussion is always motivated by hate or ignorance.

Lurkingandlearning · 25/03/2025 17:28

honeyytoast · 25/03/2025 17:15

I just think the vast majority of us are hypocritical without realising it and the sooner that is recognised by everyone, the easier discussions will become

Very true. I think we all judge too, how else do we decide what we like and what we don’t

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