Page 4 | "It's absolutely none of your business"

Aworldofwonder · 2025-03-25T17:10:00+00:00

I don't know if I'm just exasperated today but this is really getting on my nerves - both here (I've been on way more than usual) and IRL. I feel we are not allowed to comment or have any opinion on things that go on around us. Some examples - There was a thread about parents ignoring their children in favour of their phones. At a recent in person gathering the topic of Ozempic sales came up followed by a very heated discussion about rising obesity related illnesses and the impact on the health services. Another recent thread here about people not choosing not to work; I know multiple people choosing not to work as they do better on benefits. I have loads and loads more examples (excessive drinking, drugs, adults unable to cook or have basic life skills, insurance fraud) but it's the same premise I'm really sick of not being allowed have any opinion on this stuff in a general way without being labelled judgemental. I get that they don't impact me directly. But we live in a society, I do believe we are all connected and I think we have a shared responsibility to create a better environment for us all to share. Slightly off the point but I also hate a justification along the lines of "well I do X so it's ok; nothing wrong with me" I'm thinking particularly of that thread about parents being on their phones. What's so hard about admitting yes I do this, I don't know if it's great parental behaviour. I've found with longer term friends I'm labelled a hypocrite if behaviour I engaged in when young is not behaviour I want my own DC doing or ideally anyone's ; for example I really hope she doesn't take drugs or put herself in risky positions like I did. In short, I've learned from those experiences and want to protect her. If society is raising dysfunctional adults, if as humans we are becoming sicker, less able bodied, more disconnected, more selfish etc... why can't we discuss it? Yabu - MYOB, you're just looking for an excuse to be judgemental and feel superior Yanbu - it's fine to discuss these things in a general manner

BlondiePortz · 26/03/2025 02:25

But it can also be said if what works for you, generally speaking, then it works for you I FF and people can say what they want about the fact my baby was fed formula, nothing anyone says changes the fact it worked for me so I genuinley do not care what people say about it on a personal level

But I am happy to give my opnion or hear others opinions on this one example, but I am speaking of anything, I care what people close to me think in a normal way but I care nothing about peoples opinions in general but very happy to discuss any topic

having discussions on here or IRL is full of my own and others opinions it makes up the world

nomas · 26/03/2025 02:22

BeDeepKoala · 26/03/2025 02:18

This is basically a woman issue and comes from excessive #bekind and a terror of being seen as "judgemental" (which is apparently the worst thing its possible to be, for reasons which noone can really explain).

No group of men having a conversation about wider social issues would ever use "its none of your business" to shut down discussion when talking about broader social issues

No group of men having a conversation about wider social issues would ever use "its none of your business" to shut down discussion when talking about broader social issues

Of course they would. Anyone is capable of trying to shut down debate. Most of the idiot comments on youtube are by men, for example, all trying to shut each other down.

And it’s judgemental when women are preached to for things both men and women do, such as on the put away your phones thread.

GarlicStyle · 26/03/2025 02:21

mushroomshroom · 25/03/2025 17:15

A forum where people delight in taking the contrary position to an OP, just to make them feel awkward for even raising the issue.

This and remember if everyone minded their business then MNs wouldn't exist...

If everyone minded their business, conversation wouldn't exist and we'd still be hunkering down in caves, wondering if there was a way to heat food!

OP, I might have an opinion on the points you raised. My thoughts are none of your business, though ...

BeDeepKoala · 26/03/2025 02:18

This is basically a woman issue and comes from excessive #bekind and a terror of being seen as "judgemental" (which is apparently the worst thing its possible to be, for reasons which noone can really explain).

No group of men having a conversation about wider social issues would ever use "its none of your business" to shut down discussion when talking about broader social issues

nomas · 26/03/2025 02:14

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 18:44

Yes - sort of this.

But more if the OP said "I don't know if I'm imagining this but it feels things have gone backwards in the last 10 - 20 years. When I look at my friend's marriages I see the women still doing ALL the housework yet expected to contribute 50:50 financially. My partner is talking about us moving in together and maybe I'm just panicking and seeing the worst. Thoughts or advice?"

And then a load of nasty replies telling the OP her friends' marriages are none of her business. Or else a trawl through her old posts and a triumphant screenshot of one where her boyfriend had stayed out drinking and not texting.

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I’ve literally never seen this happen.

Your examples don’t really resonate.

The OP from the phones thread was judgemental because she seemed to have more ire for women on phones than men, typical sexism.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 26/03/2025 02:04

@Aworldofwonder

[MN] It seems to be filled with a combination of nonstop aggression and ridicule.

Yes! I agree! 🫤

tobee · 26/03/2025 02:02

They might be attempting to shut down the thread. But they are not actually able to do so. Even if they report a post it's up to Mumsnet to choose to delete it or not. That's the beauty of these forums - 15 posters might say "that's none of your business" but if even one person responds differently well you're sway.

HellDorado · 26/03/2025 00:36

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 18:55

Well I don't know anyone who would do that thank goodness, least of all me.

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You’re doing it right now!

TortolaParadise · 25/03/2025 20:58

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 20:52

Yeah but isn't this a discussion forum?

So what is it's purpose other than to discuss things anonymously?

People here are always firing off accusations of the OP shaming others. But the OP is usually (in my opinion) trying to work through their own feelings on a situation with a person without gossiping in circles who know said person.

And where is the line on what is our business and what isn't?

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I am agreeing with the OP. My examples are of other sources of discussion. I agree and understand.

Original poster

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 20:52

TortolaParadise · 25/03/2025 20:22

...as newspapers, gossip columns, magazines, reality TV....

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Yeah but isn't this a discussion forum?

So what is it's purpose other than to discuss things anonymously?

People here are always firing off accusations of the OP shaming others. But the OP is usually (in my opinion) trying to work through their own feelings on a situation with a person without gossiping in circles who know said person.

And where is the line on what is our business and what isn't?

OP posts:

TortolaParadise · 25/03/2025 20:22

JumpingPumpkin · 25/03/2025 18:57

The internet was specifically designed to comment on stuff that isn’t our own business. Funny how many don’t get that.

...as newspapers, gossip columns, magazines, reality TV....

Original poster

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 20:14

*not directly involved with

OP posts:

Original poster

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 20:14

verycloakanddaggers · 25/03/2025 20:06

You've lost me, I thought your thread was about people saying 'it's none of your business', but now you say this isn't what gets said to you

Edited

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"It's none of your business" is the main response that I see on this site.

It's the shutting down of discussion over an emerging situation, trend in society etc that people are directly involved with but indirectly affected by.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 20:11

Errors · 25/03/2025 19:28

Sorry OP, I have jumped straight to replying to you instead of reading the full thread because I agree with everything you’re saying.
It happens a lot on here I think because people like to be kind of edgy I suppose? Like you will nearly always find posters trying to find SOME way of putting the OP down because it’s like sport to them.

So it goes like this:
AIBU to think that parents spend too much time on their phones around their kids.
Replies:
”oh my god, you are SO judgemental! Who are you to judge someone based on a snap shot of their day, are you always like this? Mind your own business”

The irony being that they have literally just been judgemental towards the OP AND judged them based on a snapshot of their day (I.e. the post they put up on a forum)
It makes me roll my eyes, hard.
Of course we are allowed to have opinions and judge what we consider to be extreme behaviours. Society keeps itself in check largely by certain things being social taboo rather than illegal - for fear of being judged by our peers. We are social animals and this should absolutely be the case. There are plenty of behaviours people don’t engage in in public that aren’t illegal but others would consider ‘rude’ - which is a judgement in itself

You're right with the edgy thing. It's probably not a good reflection on my happiness levels that it is actually getting me down. I've been sitting around in waiting rooms for two days spending way too much time reading this site and it's left me genuinely feeling blue.

The crazy rush to shut down the OP first, often with so much vitriol. There was a thread about an Indian buffet and some horrible poster was taunting the OP then accusing her of having anger issues. The OP was holding her own but why should she have to? It was horrible to read.

And then there are the really genuinely sad posts, most posters will be really supportive but there are always a few kicking them when they are so vulnerable.

I know the answer is just to step away from the site, it's not doing me any good to think that this place is representative of people in general.

Sorry I went way off topic there but thank you very much for your lengthy and well thought out post.

OP posts:

verycloakanddaggers · 25/03/2025 20:06

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 19:21

What rant? The first part of the conversation (after friend had updated on lots of stuff in her life) went -

"What's been going on with you? It's been ages! Are you still enjoying living in X?"

"Yes and no. The beach is still great and DC have their friends close by. We have been talking about maybe moving this year because there are reports of lots of drugs coming into the area and now DC are getting old enough to be out and about a bit more. Drug dealers - everyone seems to know this family - moved in three doors down. We are still undecided. The house next door to them put theirs on the market straightaway. The neighbours are worried about the family as they knew them already. I'd rather wait and see if there's any problems, there's been a little but nothing major"

You think
"It's absolutely none of your business" is a valid response to that?

Not
"I wouldn't worry, they will most likely keep to themselves"
Or
"See how it goes"
Or
"I hope you've no problems. Keep us posted"

Incidentally friend did not say it was none of my business.

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You've lost me, I thought your thread was about people saying 'it's none of your business', but now you say this isn't what gets said to you

Errors · 25/03/2025 19:28

Sorry OP, I have jumped straight to replying to you instead of reading the full thread because I agree with everything you’re saying.
It happens a lot on here I think because people like to be kind of edgy I suppose? Like you will nearly always find posters trying to find SOME way of putting the OP down because it’s like sport to them.

So it goes like this:
AIBU to think that parents spend too much time on their phones around their kids.
Replies:
”oh my god, you are SO judgemental! Who are you to judge someone based on a snap shot of their day, are you always like this? Mind your own business”

The irony being that they have literally just been judgemental towards the OP AND judged them based on a snapshot of their day (I.e. the post they put up on a forum)
It makes me roll my eyes, hard.
Of course we are allowed to have opinions and judge what we consider to be extreme behaviours. Society keeps itself in check largely by certain things being social taboo rather than illegal - for fear of being judged by our peers. We are social animals and this should absolutely be the case. There are plenty of behaviours people don’t engage in in public that aren’t illegal but others would consider ‘rude’ - which is a judgement in itself

Original poster

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 19:21

verycloakanddaggers · 25/03/2025 18:59

But their opinion is that it is nothing to do with you.

You have your rant state your opinion and then they state theirs, which is it's none of your business.

They're not obliged to think up another opinion just to please you.

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What rant? The first part of the conversation (after friend had updated on lots of stuff in her life) went -

"What's been going on with you? It's been ages! Are you still enjoying living in X?"

"Yes and no. The beach is still great and DC have their friends close by. We have been talking about maybe moving this year because there are reports of lots of drugs coming into the area and now DC are getting old enough to be out and about a bit more. Drug dealers - everyone seems to know this family - moved in three doors down. We are still undecided. The house next door to them put theirs on the market straightaway. The neighbours are worried about the family as they knew them already. I'd rather wait and see if there's any problems, there's been a little but nothing major"

You think
"It's absolutely none of your business" is a valid response to that?

Not
"I wouldn't worry, they will most likely keep to themselves"
Or
"See how it goes"
Or
"I hope you've no problems. Keep us posted"

Incidentally friend did not say it was none of my business.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 19:17

Spring025 · 25/03/2025 19:10

You can always tell the people who do whatever is being complained about in the original post because they are the ones who say 'it's none of your business'.

I was just thinking that. Or the posters assuming it's a rant or banging on the table and shouting. I cannot relate to these scenes at all.

OP posts:

Spring025 · 25/03/2025 19:10

You can always tell the people who do whatever is being complained about in the original post because they are the ones who say 'it's none of your business'.

verycloakanddaggers · 25/03/2025 18:59

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 18:07

No in that example about the drug dealers moving into our street I would have welcomed

"What are you worried about happening with the drug dealers?"
"Has there been any trouble so far?"
"Can you afford to move?"
"Where are you considering moving to?"

Or
"I wouldn't worry, we've had dealers next door for years and no problems"

Or
"I don't blame you, we had problems too... "

Or anything at all about the actual topic instead of a suggestion it was nothing to do with me

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But their opinion is that it is nothing to do with you.

You have your rant state your opinion and then they state theirs, which is it's none of your business.

They're not obliged to think up another opinion just to please you.

JumpingPumpkin · 25/03/2025 18:57

The internet was specifically designed to comment on stuff that isn’t our own business. Funny how many don’t get that.

Original poster

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 18:55

HellDorado · 25/03/2025 18:08

The problem with people who bang their fists shouting “I have a right to an opinion!!” usually aren’t so keen on hearing the contrary opinion - or in your case, hearing “It’s absolutely none of your business”. Because that is also an opinion. If you want to express your opinion, you need to be able to handle that one being expressed to you in response.

Well I don't know anyone who would do that thank goodness, least of all me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 18:44

WongKarCry · 25/03/2025 18:28

I think I under where OP is coming from. It’s like when you complain about your husband not pulling his weight or your mum being abusive and some posters chime in with “At least you have a husband/mum, mine died. Think yourself lucky. Why are you even talking about this?” It doesn’t help with the problem at hand and stifles the discussion.

That being said it’s a public forum and people can reply however they want within guidelines.

Yes - sort of this.

But more if the OP said "I don't know if I'm imagining this but it feels things have gone backwards in the last 10 - 20 years. When I look at my friend's marriages I see the women still doing ALL the housework yet expected to contribute 50:50 financially. My partner is talking about us moving in together and maybe I'm just panicking and seeing the worst. Thoughts or advice?"

And then a load of nasty replies telling the OP her friends' marriages are none of her business. Or else a trawl through her old posts and a triumphant screenshot of one where her boyfriend had stayed out drinking and not texting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 18:39

JazbayGrapes · 25/03/2025 18:32

You can have an opinion, you can say your opinion. Matter is, do other need or want to hear it

That's kind of what I'm talking about. What's the point of that response?

OP posts:

Original poster

Aworldofwonder · 25/03/2025 18:36

It's not on the topic. If they said "they won't affect you, we had similar" that's a contribution.

I think you're possibly projecting or not reading my posts. I'm talking about all posts. I welcome agreement, disagreement and especially accompanied by further insights. That's what discussion is.

But it's the "it's absolutely none of your business" brigade or the ridiculing of an op for daring to have a viewpoint on a scenario she wasn't directly affected by (woman on tne train observing a mother ignoring her baby) that is really bothering me.

I don't think mumsnet has much to offer these days or maybe I'm feeling too emotional.

It seems to be filled with a combination of nonstop aggression and ridicule.

Sorry that reply was to @FrozenFeathers

OP posts: