"It's absolutely none of your business"

I want to address this.

"You can have opinions on things that don't concern you."

This is the crux of it really. Who decides what concerns me or anyone else. If I'm lying awake at night thinking about children in Gaza is that allowed to concern me? If I'm looking at people on the streets where I live thinking something is going wrong here, people used to look happy and say hello, now everyone looks tired and anxious; am I allowed be concerned about that?

Do people really mean 'things that don't directly impact you'.

I hear you.

Very little crosses my radar also. I have never had good instincts as other people describe them so I tend to let events unfold before forming an opinion. I know people can find that annoying as it seems I'm just keeping schtum but making snap judgements has never worked out well for me. I do tend to think about things in a more general sense than particular people.

I think it's really bad for your mental health to go down the rabbit hole of obsessing about what some person is or isn't doing. Your brain will keep scrabbling for a conclusion that can't be found as you don't have access to the necessary info (their perspective).

I don't know if this is relevant to this thread or not but I remember one time being so massively turned off the man I was with that I couldn't continue with him. It was narrowmindedness and stupidity of his view;

He described a very large woman (back when this was far less common that now) trying to navigate public transport spaces that were too small for her. She sat down and opened a packet of sweets. He deduced that the whole bus collectively and silently shook their heads.

Like where do you even go with that?

Wtf has it got to do with you? How do you know what she was actually eating and why? How did the rest of the bus signal their feelings to you? And how dare you be so bloody cruel and judgemental toward some woman just going about her day?

Everything about his attitude stunk. But what angered me a lot was the assumptions he made about everyone else's attitudes viewpoints.

This thread is illustrating something similar to me. Most people are at least trying to understand where other people are coming from with different opinions. But there are still the steadfast "you're changing your stance now based on replies" or "you just want everyone to agree with your opinion".

It's similar to the "maybe stop judging" "you think you're so much better" "MYOB" that's suggesting you know why the person wants to discuss it.

I appreciate the reply from the poster however you said people will judge you for being a nosey so and so or for caring about a particular topic. That's perfectly reasonable.

Yes fair enough but I find even the reasonable method there is getting the sarcastic MYOB answers.

This is fair.

I'm totally with you on other people's bodies. For example an old friend comes to visit and a family member says "god they've really gained weight haven't they?" Just fuck OFF, what's the point of that comment? And what do you want an explanation for?

But I feel differently about (hypothetically) sitting with same old friend flicking through old photos and observing
"Look at us and all the other twenty year olds around us. We look different to how that same age group do now. Everybody is very slim then but nobody looks fit. They are all much more about muscle now"

And then a conversation might ensue about how attitudes to fitness have changed etc.

@arcticpandas very good points thanks. It's not really my posts though (which woukf make sense because i would be the common denominator) but many threads.

That "it's absolutely none of your business" response feels like censorship to me. Why aren't we allowed discuss situations or things going on around us?

One OP one time posted about the area she lived in going to rack and ruin since COVID. It didn't feel safe, shops boarded up, people drinking on the streets all day, it felt menacing. She was asking was this consistent with other areas of the UK. People kept sneering at why it bothered her, suggesting she go about her own business etc, saying she looked down on people.

Maybe she wanted to know if there was any point moving. Maybe she wanted to feel some solidarity. Maybe she wanted to hear theories of what caused this but plans for improvement.

But she had to keep justifying her right to have an opinion.

Yeah good example - I wouldn't share an opinion on this either as he is far better informed. I'd be interested to hear his viewpoints though. I might share "I thought X ... Is this the case or are we being misled?"

I honestly have no idea what point you are making here.

My dilemma was - should we move house given drugs are on the rise in the area and it's much closer to home than I'd like. Is this likely to cause problems for us? Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation?

I wasn't commenting on people taking drugs, buying drugs or selling drugs.

Oh yes I can really relate to this one. I was struggling with the guilt. But I found I did like when people said things to me like

"You know what one of mine had breast, the other bottle and it turned out to be the breastfed who got allergies... "
"Don't worry if you're feeling guilty, your hormones are in overdrive, it'll pass"
"I focused on feeling grateful I lived in a country that has access to formula the guilt passed"

If I didn't mention feeling guilty and people said
"Oh good for you, the baby will sleep through the night easier"
"Yes people say breast is best, but do you know what - having a mum not dead on her feet is good too"

I did have some people criticise me subtly but I made a mental note that they wouldn't be people I'd be worrying about their opinion. Any person who doesn't have the cop on to know that every mum is doing what they believe to be the right thing is an idiot. Or anyone so lacking in sensitivity they can't resist scolding you when you need support is never going to enhance your life.

I also just binged on Netflix Adolescence and it left me feeling slightly despairing - every character seemed so alone and disconnected.

Ok so I read the replies here really quickly before I went to work then something occurred to me that was so obvious I felt a bit stupid it took me so long.

When somebody (me, somebody else) asks a question I assume they are coming from a place of being interested in the topic at hand but not knowing much and wanting to know more (I'll give an example later).

However when somebody shuts it down with "it's none of your business what other people do" the subtext is that the questioner is only asking as they want to feel superior to somebody else.

I guess, because we all project to a degree - that sort of response means that you are prone to looking down on other people or you feel that other people look down on you. So your assumption there makes sense.

So let's go back to the benefits topic. Some people jumped to the conclusion that anyone asking about benefits had negative feelings about anyone claiming them, particularly if they were choosing not to work (ie not actively pursuing work). I maintain that people do exist who choose not to work because I've heard people with my own ears many times. That's just a fact.

I remember a conversation with a male friend years ago
Me "I'd rather work a minimum pay job than sign on"
Him "I wouldn't. The stress of it would not be worth it. I'd sign on, definitely."
Me "I know I get really stressed when I'm not in a job. It might sound silly but if I'm not expected somewhere with someone relying on me and a set of defined tasks I know my day would spiral and I'd probably find myself smoking dope all morning"
Him "yeah I'm not wired like that though. I literally can't stand being told to do tasks to me that seem pointless. I wouldn't sit around and waste my though, I'd be studying a new graphics package or writing."

It's summarised obviously. But the topic was discussed with nobody feeling bad or judged. It then unfolded into a bigger conversation with others at the table (currently on benefits) about how going for a very low paid job worked out worse for them as they lost medical card and other expenses. We then talked about other countries which offer a basic living wage to everyone and the ideals around that; it allowed dignity to all, have people feel more motivated to work for money which proved to have a good impact on self esteem etc.

I remember this conversation years later and it's because it was informative, nobody was defending anyone or attacking anyone. It was a conversation about a system which is flawed (the benefits trap).

I find here that it's almost impossible to discuss any situation; everybody is so suspicious of other people - always trying to expose their 'real' motives.

A poster there above is talking about child obesity. I'm sure she does not have personal beef with some individual parent of an obese child but why can't we discuss that this is a real problem? Talk about the reasons it's happening now, not 50 years ago, talk about how to tackle it. Why would it mean that she thinks she is better than those parents? Maybe she just knows better than your average joe the real life long consequences and she wants other people to understand them too. Maybe she feels if people really understood it they would not allow it to happen.

There was a time when people all smoked in their houses, around children. Somebody or lots of people collectively changed the perception that this was perfectly fine

I'm no saint and obviously I have not never had a judgemental thought about anyone but I try to resist it; mainly because it's not a nice feeling to hold in your body. I don't often worry about other people judging me though thankfully.

A therapist used to always say "we're all just doing our best" and it really resonated with me. I repeat it when I feel frustrated with people in my life.

As an aside, I don't think I explained the drug dealers on the road conversation very well. I was frustrated because I didn't want to be told off for worrying about it with "it's not so long since you would have e been going up there yourself" For a start it's 25 years ago. Secondly it's irrelevant because in now raising kids and it's them I'm concerned with. I would have thought this was obvious but once I said it the conversation moved on to more helpful inputs such as "they are very unlikely to bring any trouble to where they live"