My son and FiL’s funeral.

But he shouldn’t. They don’t see him as family.

A cousin twice removed is family. A great nephew is family.

Their son’s wife’s son not family. You need to stop thinking he is their family.

Would the relatives from London and Cardiff not have been coming any way? If they wouldn't because they weren't that close to your FIL then yes, I see your point.

Ah just realised what poster this is.

Im not sure why you are shocked. They have showed time and time again. Your son, Is sons wife’s son.

Not son’s stepson even in their mind. His part of a completely different family in their minds.

There is their son and his son, with you the wife included at times.

Then there is you the wife and your son.

A grieving family is not the time to bring up what’s be being swept under the rug for years.

If this were me considering you are also not biological to the family I'd be taking a big step back from family things.

If they are insistent about highlighting the differences then I'd make damn sure that they also feel the impact of exclusion

I'm shocked op
That you would allow your son to be so disrespected by your husband's family .
This is not a new situation
You have allowed this for 17 years .
So your upset yet again.
Yet you've never been upset enough to do something about it ,to stand up for your son .
Id of left a man who behaved as your DH did ,allowing his family to take against your son.
The only person I feel sorry for here ,is your eldest son
He's going to feel hurt yet again

To be brutally honest, I would leave the carrying of the coffin to the funeral directors. There is no merit or kudos to be gained from splitting family feelings about who is or is not carrying a coffin.
Let the (male) mourners walk behind, if that fits.
FWIT it never occurred to me that my mother's 4 grandsons would have anything to do with carrying her coffin.

OP, haven’t read the full thread so excuse me if this has been covered. You say your son came back from uni to comfort your DH? So he’s at least 18, probably older?

So just have an adult to adult conversation with him. ‘Some people don’t view step children in the same way as blood family’. I have no doubt he will be able to rationalise the whole thing - he might not agree, but he’s mature enough to ‘get it’.

This isn’t a six year old who has been left out of a birthday party. And then let it go - we don’t have to agree with every decision families make in our lives, but we surely have to respect their right to make those decisions.

Things don’t occur to my DH.

This is your problem, as has been pointed out to you many times on your previous threads. I’m sure your DH has been a very good father figure to your eldest son; but he’s not been a good enough father figure to advocate for him with his family (as you would see it; personally I think his family are entitled to make their own minds up about this. They have no moral or other duty to do otherwise). This doesn’t mean you can take out your frustrations on your in laws. You chose this man, and this is what being with him means: you chose a man to whom things don’t occur, you chose a man who doesn’t care enough about your eldest to use his brain. If you say you didn’t choose his family when you chose this man, then clearly they weren’t important enough to you to take into account so you can’t now complain about their actions. In that respect, YOU have let your eldest down because you didn’t secure for him the wider family you wanted for him. That said, from previous threads it seems your son isn’t bothered by any of this, that you are the only individual in this family who is.

Let it lie. Why do you contort yourself over this, after so many years? It’s not going to change and it doesn’t need to change. Nobody is doing anything wrong. They’re just not doing things to your satisfaction, and the fault and responsibility for that lie with you and only with you.

This is an OP problem. She's stayed for 15+ years of this. She has known all along her eldest was not considered part of her husband's family. She's resentful, but it's not a deal breaker for her. If she really really felt so strongly about her eldest being considered part of the family by a stepfather's family, she would have left and chosen a partner whose family would do that.

So what is it that offsets her deep resentment at the eldest being treated nicely, but not as a family member?

This.
You would actually say 'bollocks to how you feel about your dad dying and his funeral, what's important is how I think the funeral should go?!

Coming back on to echo this. You mentioned you'd started previous threads about this@OurNev, so I just went and read them. You also said in one thread that the grandparents have never seen your son as a family member, so presumably that's why he's not been asked to be family pallbearer. But really you have a massive DH problem, and also a you problem – you should've called out this "not blood" crap years ago. Sadly though, I think the time to take a stand has been and gone, the rot is too far set in. So go in the separate car with your oldest son as planned and support your younger one doing the reading, but draw the line at anything else.

I have been in a similar position. My step dad's mother passed away in my late teens. I was close to her. She looked after me after school every day from age 5. Initially all the biological grandchildren were included in the funeral cars, I wasn't. Funeral was being arranged by eldest son (not my stepdad). My sister (biological grand daughter) was only 12 but said she wouldn't go in the funeral car without me as it was my gran too (I did call her gran) and the family apologised and made a space for me. Is there any chance they just haven't thought this through? I genuinely think they realised I should have been included once it was suggested.

Sorry for your loss.

I can see why you are upset OP but for the past 15 years you have had a DH problem. Even now he isn't stepping up and advocating for your son. Just crickets. And if he won't champion your son why do you think others from his family would? Don't blame MIL or SIL, put it right where it belongs - on DH.

Sorry to hear this. I think kindly that in many families, mine included, blood is thicker than water. I can’t image if my dad died my family would even think to include my stepdaughter in the arrangements for the funeral as if she were blood family. It would be blood family carrying the coffin, doing speeches and so on. Unless your son had an exceptionally close relationship with step-grandparent then it’s a bit unreasonable for you to think he’d have a ‘role’ simply because his brother does. In your eyes your sons are a pair as they are your sons. In your in-laws eyes you have a son and they probably do accept him as part of you, but not part of them. This is how my family is with stepchildren, and as much as I’m sure it’s hurtful, it is how it is, and you can’t force people to feel a bond that isn’t there.

Support your husband and try not to dwell on this is my advice. If your son asks just be honest ‘they wanted blood relatives to carry the coffin.’

Oh, that explains why OP hasn't responded to being asked how close they are then - they aren't.
In which case, OP i think it's actually hugely more disrespectful of you to expect your son to be involved just for the sake of it, it's a funeral for God's sake!

I'd be so hurt, too @OurNev. I suspect they're just not thinking, which unfortunately is the point for you. I don't think you can make a fuss now though – the time to say something would've been when the first cousin was mentioned and you could've said, 'Why don't you ask [older son] as he's been closer to FIL than Colin from Cardiff?' If they said no then, that would've been your cue to have a go at DH/boycott funeral.

What your DH wouldn't even consider him?

If FIL wasn’t as close to your eldest son why should he be involved? He is not related to your husband’s side of the family. You are a family unit with your DH, but not with the wider, extended family. Don’t be that person making it all about you and your son, when it’s about your DH’s family.
Also, what does your eldest son think about this? Did he expect to be included?

Your dh is grieving his dad but I would still say something.

Not meaning to sound heartless... your FIL was 84 so death is not entirely unexpected at that age, and it was 3 weeks ago so the initial shock is over. After both my parents deaths by 3 weeks I was back at work.

Your dh is capable of having a calm conversation about this just to let him know how your ds is feeling about being excluded (if you ds is even bothered!) so he can discuss with family if he wants to.

If your ds is not bothered, leave it be. He is an adult now and can raise the issue with his dad directly if he sees it as one.

They must not have seen your ds as a family member when he was a child, it is not going to change now he is an adult and as much as that will upset you, the time has gone to change it.

Sorry for all your loss.

I agree with this. The eldest not being allowed to use the holiday home was particularly petty but is just part of a pattern of behaviour that has been going on since OP met her DH.

The in-laws sound kind and polite when OP's son is in their company but they don't think of him as anyone more important than a casual acquaintance. The fact that he has been a part of their famil for 18 years means nothing to them.

OP's DH has never been willing to challenge his parents and siblings so the only thing that OP can do is quietly withdraw and stop investing anything in the relationship with her in-laws. I don't think that they fully accept OP and would probably have preferred their son not to have married her, but she is the wife of their son and the mother of one of their grandchildren so is grudgingly accepted as part of the family.

I would be very hurt and also very angry by this and I honestly don’t think I would be about to not mention it to my dh , maybe you could broach the subject by mentioning about how you both are intending to get there seen as he doesn’t have a place in the car ? Might make him think about it but obviously it’s up to you how you go about it

It’s just unnecessarily mean to the OP and her son, why make a big deal about excluding him, I think it’s really unnecessary.

Yes it’s mean and exclusionary and evidence they don’t see your oldest as family. If there were 6 biological grandsons all the appropriate age to do this then fine. But they’re shipping in someone who probably wasn’t close to the deceased. But you absolutely shouldn’t say anything. Your husband is deep in grief and this is going to cause a row neither of you need and will create bad feelings for a long time. Heads up though if there’s a will with grandchildren included there might be another blow coming.