AIBU? Partner upset over a joke overreacting or fair enough?

I would really struggle to be with someone who couldn't laugh at themselves for silly lighthearted things like getting ready slowly. My dh and I would have this kind of joke with our friends and never think twice, as long as the person telling the joke is doing it in genuine affection and good humour.

Except that if you found it funny and your partner didn't and you continued to do it that would be bullying and abusive.

Also see
'It was just a joke'
'It was just banter' etc.

"Sorry you're upset" is not an apology.

it sounds like he doesn't enjoy your teasing as much as you do.

She didn't. She said "sorry you're upset" which is not apologising for her being the one that did the upsetting.

I'm struggling to understand how some of you cope with real life.
Must be an age thing😊

She already did

All I can say is that I'm very, very glad my partner and I can joke about utterly harmless stuff like this in front of our friends without anyone getting upset. I can't begin to imagine a relationship where saying 'Honestly, he takes longer to get ready to go out than I do, I'll be sitting there waiting while he's faffing in front of the mirror' would be considered cruel/embarrassing/passive aggressive/dismissive of feelings/humiliating.

I don't think I could live with someone who was that humourless or easily upset.

If you'd mocked something deeply personal or embarrassing, like his appearance or a deep-seated fear or the noises he makes when he's shagging or something, that would be horrible. But a light-hearted joke about how he takes ages to get ready? I'm sorry but he absolutely does need to get a bloody grip. And sure, maybe you are dismissing his feelings, but frankly I don't think it actually helps to validate someone's feelings when they're as disproportionate as this.

I think it’s a complete over reaction, as long as it’s light hearted and not personal I don’t mind a bit of teasing, it’s good to be able to laugh at yourself.

Doesn't matter whether you consider it an insult or not (and you weren't there so can't judge if it really was lighthearted) - it upset OP's DP. He might be a "snowflake" or there might be a good reason why he is upset. OP is being very dismissive about his feelings.

Whether you or we think he’s over reacting isn’t the point; you upset him so apologise

What was the actual joke?

On the face of it this does sound like it was an overreaction, but what was actually delaying him being ready?

I used to get ribbed for taking longer than others in the bathroom. Sometimes by my parents in front of visitors too. It was meant in jest and definitely wasn't malicious BUT ........... I didn't and still don't like it. I have struggled with irritable bowel syndrome for as long as I can remember, and certainly regularly since my teenage years (I am now 58) so I just felt it was thoughtless because I couldn't help it, felt sensitive and embarrassed about it when it did delay me and I just didn't want to be put in the position of potentially having to explain myself like that.

Maybe he had a reason why he was running behind on this occasion, or maybe he didn't, but either way, he didn't want his face rubbed in it. You might just have inadvertently put your foot in it and done exactly that?? You won't know unless you apologise properly and talk to him in private.

My DH and I do make similar jokes to each other sometimes, but it is generally best to keep them as private issues rather than trumpet too publicly for obvious reasons.

I agree with you. It’s hardly a deadly insult to say someone is a faffer. My DH and I and our friends are always jokingly complaining about each other - it’s all part of relationships and friendships and laughing together. It’s all lighthearted.

Does he take himself rather seriously OP?

Well I guess I'm in the minority, but I think he's being utterly ridiculous.

I think he is hugely over reacting and it’s not normal to get in a mood for something like that. It’s a standing joke among our family and friends about how long my husband takes to get ready, and especially how much time he spends ironing when we are on holiday. We always laughs about it, and I can’t imaging the circumstances when he would get cross because it was mentioned.

Explain the “joke”. What was the punchline?

It wasnt a joke, you made fun of him in public.

My DH used to make these so called “jokes” about me when in company. I loathed it and eventually I decided I would call him out in front of others by telling him it was unkind to make fun of me. When he inevitably said it was ‘just a joke’ I asked him to explain the joke for everyone. He soon stopped. It was worth any short lived awkwardness around friends.

Apologise and move on and be more aware in future. And hold your DH to the same standard.

"Sorry you're upset" isn't an apology.

You need to acknowledge that your comment was hurtful.

taking the mick because he takes ages to get ready?! That’s it?! Yes he’s overreacting. Absolutely no one I know would be offended by this. MN will be though!

It really does not matter of you think it was no big deal. He thinks it is and he’s your partner.

How hard is it to say “I am sorry I hurt your feelings - that was not my intent”?

Can you say what you said exactly because it does sound like he is over reacting

There is a thing that some people do: when they have identified something someone does which annoys them, instead of addressing it with them in private, they make a ‘joke’ about it in public. It’s a type of passive aggression.

They want to express their annoyance but are too lacking in assertiveness to have an adult conversation, so they make it into a ‘joke’ with an audience present to ensure the criticised person can’t challenge it without looking humourless and stroppy.

I don’t know if that’s what you were doing in this case, but it certainly seems as if your boyfriend has taken it that way.

Apologise.

however, I’d also ask him about how you’re comment made him feel, given you’d teased each other privately about it before. Ask him to explain to you why it upset him on this occasion. Don’t argue. Make it safe for him to explain by saying you realise what you said had angered and upset him, and you take responsisiblty for that .

I think it would be useful to know whether he was upset because you shamed him in public, by highlighting his faults, whether he was upset because he felt people were laughing* at him not with him, or whether there is a dynamic going on with others in that company where he didn’t like feeling “less” than others.

It will tell you a lot,about what you can safely say, and should not say, in public about each other. Where your boundaries are. Some folks aren’t bothered, they have robust mental resilience and self esteem. Others are very bothered and need to really implicitly trust someone to share and acknowledge their weaknesses.

and some , like my ex, have hidden mental health issue developing like paranoid schizophrenia which produced an extreme reaction of anything that wasn’t 100% supportive and positively confirming to their esteem and self image. Unfortunately, in those days (40 years ago) the idea of red flags didn’t exist in public domain, or internet to query if behavoiurs were “normal” . Sadly it took too many years to realise, that an abnormally sensitive response to anything that I said that questioned him in public (even an opinion he had) should have had me running for the hills.

We're very much the same dynamic here - DH spends ages choosing his outfit and preening in the mirror while I'm ready to go in ten minutes - so I have been known to make similar jokes. The difference is, I suppose, that DH fully enters into it and really plays up his vanity for laughs. He's like Sir Walter Elliot from Persuasion, only the bearded, hairy-arsed, 6-foot trucker version.

So you now know that he doesn't like attention being called to that particular aspect of his personality. I suspect it's probably because, as @Lesphynx said, it's the kind of trait society expects women to possess, not men, and it makes him feel lesser because of deeply ingrained misogyny, perhaps.

I find it hard to imagine why anyone would get offended over that. It's a stretch to say that comment is making fun at someone's expense. It's pretty normal socially to tease your partner a little imo, if it's all said in good fun. Regardless it's upset him, but you've apologised, so what else can you do?

Honestly it's also hard to feel too much for DH, as men make these jokes about women constantly, and we are expected to get on with it frankly. Don't laugh at old fashioned marriage type humour ('oh the old ball and chain') if you can't take it.

I'd be swallowing my pride and giving a genuine apology, but privately I'd be very perplexed by this lol.