Why are we letting children call the shots?

Where is this advice from?

The rationale is i loathed being made to sit at the table with an empty plate while the adults talked around me when i was a child.

In my opinion, forcing someone to stay sat at the table at home is ridiculous and unnecessary, so i let them go, as long as they ask to leave the table, once their food is finished.

I do expect different behaviour out in public, and teach them home and 'out' have different rules.

Why is that such a bad thing?

DD16 was complaining how many boundaries we’ve put in but we reckon we probably should have implemented more & earlier!

I don’t think a free rein is appropriate, that’s anxiety inducing and completely lacks the structure that provides a child with security. I think choices are good, would you like A, or B for dinner tomorrow, would you like to go swimming or cycling on Sunday etc, choices (within a framework) give children the chance to make decisions for themselves and have a level of control over their lives, free rein to do anything at any time is far too overwhelming and everyone has to compromise and negotiate as part of a household family, although for me personally, free rein as a baby worked for me as in I didn’t sleep train, feed to a schedule etc. I was baby led on that front because that’s the kind of baby I had.

I agree. We instilled boundaries and discipline for our son from the earliest age he'd understand. Toys put away at end of play session, no painting/craftwork other than on the floor on a huge plastic mat, pens/paints etc all put away afterwards. All food eaten at the dining room table - no leaving the table until we'd all finished, no TV nor screens or games at the table - it was family conversation time! When he was school age, it was clothes, bag, etc laid out ready for the morning, homework done at the table after meal, and had to be finished before play/tv time. Bath every night before bed. Reading in bed (no games nor screens as it was wind down time). Start early, get them trained into pretty reasonable/normal behaviour patterns.

We had no problems at all as he grew older. When he started secondary school, same philosophy, he packed his school bag and got uniform ready the night before, did his homework at the dining table after tea before he could go off and play/watch tv, etc. It was just normal routine, but backed by boundaries and discipline. Never had a single detention or punishment from his teachers, never missed a homework deadline, etc.

We never actually "disciplined" him, we didn't have to, we'd just drummed it into him that he needed to do as he was told, when he was told to do it, and if you start early enough, it's just natural. Over the year, he got plenty of "rewards", never linked to good behaviour, but just part of being in a respectful household.

My own father was RAF, so I was brought up the same way, i.e. not a thing out of place in the house, shoes shined daily, clothes ironed daily, etc, following instructions without question, etc. It worked for him, it worked for me, and it's worked for our son. OH wasn't brought up the same way, but I soon "trained" him when we first got together and now he's the same too, so we're a family full of respect for each other, respect for boundaries and for rules/laws, etc.

Too many kids are stroppy for the sake of being stroppy and just rebel for no real reason other than to rebel. As long as there is no element of abuse, then kids need to have boundaries and discipline. It makes them better adults if they understand respect and that rules are there for a reason. Life is so much harder if your constantly battling against the system, other people, etc. No need for it.

Why not practice at home?

I haven’t heard any one advise this and I’m in a few gentle parent groups which tend to have a couple of off the wall comments. Is this advice for fussy eating toddlers? Where has it come from?

My children sit at the table, 8 yr old has autism and youngest is 5yrs old. If we have people over then I don’t expect them to stay sitting at the table while adults have coffee/finish wine. But we do sit at the table, no screens and chat every evening.

Advice like that should absolutely be ignored unless you want your kid to turn into a mannerless brat.

I think these gentle parenting fads come in when a child is a toddler and cute and the the results of these tactics are instant and pleasant. Too ma y people don’t realise that child will be a preteen one day with an attitude that they can do what they like and suddenly it’s not so cute any more

Dinner table lol. Most places are too small to add a dinner table. The only place my son ever experienced one was at his grandparents larger home, Generally he sat until finished despite being autistic and struggling a bit.

If we ate out he also sat at a table and (horror of horrors) I often allowed him to use a tablet at the table so we all got a nice relaxed time. Shoot me now.

yes if you’re fortunate enough to have a table for meals then add in some boundaries about how food is eaten at the table. Don’t over stress though, my son is now 22 and despite not having a dinner table when young has no problem using one now.

Yeah, sorry to join in on this one, but 'exploring' is for parks / outdoors / softplay etc. If your child cannot sit in a restaurant without needing to meander around, or causing a fuss, it's too soon.

I say this kindly as the parent of a now well-behaved kid who couldn't countenance anything other than McDonald's until DS was around 3 1/2. I missed out, for sure. He didn't miss out on anything other than boredom and potentially getting a telling off for behaviour that was completely commensurate with his age, but not appropriate within a more formal setting.

Trained?

until he's a bit older and able to properly read/draw at the table, yes, I'm going to follow him around whilst he explores the (child friendly) restaurant whilst the food is getting ready

Oh god.

What magic day will he suddenly be happy to sit in the chair? Having spent his life wandering about - sorry, exploring, with you following him?

How nice for the other diners and the wait staff.

Irresponsible and selfish

Nobody should be ‘exploring’ restaurants, and this is not what ‘family friendly’ means. It means they serve meals and children are welcome, it does not mean your little darling can crawl and explore and get right in everyone’s way.

All that he’s learning is that the rules don’t apply to him and he can do what he wants. The little adventurer!!!

Who’s giving this advice?

Ignore it.

Parent and you’ll be fine. You’ll reap the rewards and so will your DC. The ones ‘parented’ like this will never cope with life.

This. The restaurant is not your child’s playground FFS.

I'm not letting him have devices, but until he's a bit older and able to properly read/draw at the table, yes, I'm going to follow him around whilst he explores the (child friendly) restaurant whilst the food is getting ready

Please make sure you choose a restaurant where there's a designated childrens play area, or where you can take him outside. Letting him 'explore the restaurant', even with you following him, is just plain dangerous, as he's likely to get in the way of the waiting staff and other customers. I've seen it many times at my place of work, where children are under the feet of the staff who are carrying hot drinks/food.

My 3 year old will ask politely to get up from the table when she's finished her food. Some days that's after a few bites and other days she's still going after we've finished! But I wouldn't make her sit there until we are finished as well, if she wants to go and play she can. If we are in a restaurant she will colour or something until we are ready to go.

She definitely does not call the shots - I decided when and what we eat, she decides how much she eats.

Let kids be kids.

In our house, there is one meal prepared (have no time for fussy eaters). You don’t get down from the table until everyone has finished. Meals are always at the kitchen island or dining room table - never ever on your knee in front of the tv.

All kids are “natural born explorers”, it’s just that some are taught boundaries earlier than others.

There is plenty you can do at the table to keep him occupied at that age without wandering around a restaurant (and possibly getting in the way of waiting staff holding hot dishes).

Eugh, as a teacher, I agree. Even by age 11 many kids don’t seem to be able to sit still for more than 5-10 minutes. Unless a child has severe SEN, I think it’s all about habits and setting standards.

I have a 4 year and 9 month old twins. In my house no one gets down from the table until everyone has finished. It’s just rude!

At the risk of being labelled one of "those" parents, I can see I'm going to have to take the gradual approach with my toddler in terms of building up table patience.

He's a natural born explorer, absolutely would not sit in a high chair in a cafe whilst other babies would, even at 7m.

Now at 18m, he still has little patience for a high chair when he's out and about. Home isn't exciting and new, so he doesn't care about getting down there.

I'm not letting him have devices, but until he's a bit older and able to properly read/draw at the table, yes, I'm going to follow him around whilst he explores the (child friendly) restaurant whilst the food is getting ready.

He'll learn through practice, but he can't practice without going out.

Our rule was that when you're still eating you stay at the table. Once you get down it means you're done, you don't return. And if you are finished you ask politely to leave the table. It's not rocket silence and I don't mind if they eat lots or nothing, they can eat according to their own body and needs.

I see so many people who buy those little toddler tables and just put a plate of snacks down and let their kid graze while running around playing, they never get the experience of actually sitting down at the table with their family, learning table manners, chatting about their day. Sequestered away in a corner of the kitchen on a tiny table and chairs, and some parents assume it's better for them. It's so strange.

Toddlers and kids get extremely anxious and stressed if they are expected to run a household and make every decision.

We don’t do this, they always had to sit at the table and eat with the family, we still do most evenings and they’re 10 & 13 now. However I have never forced them to finish their food if they’re full, and when they were little and we ate out we would take them outside or whatever before the food came or between courses because a long meal where adults want to eat at a leisurely pace are boring for young children. At home though have never allowed wondering around and eating a few bites at a time

Children need to be trained. They need clear boundaries, it helps them develop mentally.
You only need to watch lord of the flies to see what happens when children are given free reign