AIBU to exclude DM from Mothers Day plans?

TillyannaB · 2025-03-25T09:34:09+00:00

Back story; my mum (dad not really on scene) of 3 daughters in 30’s- I live with DH and DC (9). My 2 sisters live with DM - both sometimes stay at boyfriends. One sister (L) I get on with and we have contact. Other sister (O) and I had a disagreement 5 years ago and she took the hump and hasn’t spoke since. This got my back up as promises she made to my DC were not carried out - likely to get back at me. I sent 3 texts over about 3 months attempting contact (from a let’s move on perspective) but no reply. Unfortunately DM loved the drama. DM uses this to her advantage and for example will ask to spend her birthday day with my family doing something she wants then will go out in the evening with sisters. I have known this years and just got on with it but this year it’s like she has been quite sly/ demanding and it’s annoyed me. She’s booked a meal at a fancy restaurant for her and my sister’s- my family and I aren’t invited, she knows DH stays with his own DM Mother’s Day weekends as she is far away so it would just be me and dc. She in fact text to say her late afternoon and evening are taken so where are we (me and my dc) taking her in the day but she needs to be back for 4pm to get ready to go out for her meal. My DC has no idea about the depths of above. I asked her what she wants to do on Mothers Day and grandma can come but she said she wants a day just for me and her. I actually like this idea as we rarely have this and while it fits with how annoyed I am with DM I also feel guilty. AIBU to not take my mum out like normal? DC would ‘let’ grandma come but I then feel like I’m not listening to her wants of a day for the 2 of us. I can’t split the day as I can’t take DM home easily without our day ending there so she can have her other plans. I am deep down annoyed with DM as she could ‘help’ my dc get her auntie back (even excluding me) but it’s like she prefers it this way as she gets double everything- years ago it would be 1 outing/ celebration for us all. Everyone irl is biased so asking on here. please be honest I can take it. Thanx

Anonymouseposter · 30/03/2025 08:39

TillyannaB · 29/03/2025 22:56

Dsis (O) who ignored my contact doesn’t work so DM would pay for meals when it’s just them 2 which is at least every other week as DM likes meals out and Dsis gets the free meal. When it’s DM with the 2 Dsis I expect it’s split as other Dsis I get on with (L) would probably say to O she needs to contribute.
when I take DM out I always pay- I just feel it’s the right thing to do.

we would be welcome at DM’s and she does invite us but I always decline due to the one and only time we visited about 12 months after the fall out between me and O, my DC was in DM’s house (with me) asking DM where O and L where to which my DM said L is at work and O is upstairs. DC was then later asking me why O didn’t come downstairs to see her and why doesn’t O take her out like she used to and such like.
so I won’t put DC in that situation ever again where DC thinks O is ignoring her (she actually is). This is where when I mentioned previously DM should step in - her DD in her 30’s is ignoring her GC, it’s wrong.

for some reason this year it’s really pushed a button for me.

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It sounds as if O is pandered to. Does she have some problems that prevent her from working, affect her behaviour etc? Your Mum can only control her own behaviour, not your sister’s. She could have a quiet word with her while you’re not there but shouting up telling her to come down and see your daughter or going up to talk to her while you were in the house could have led to a big upsetting drama. The argument is between you and your sister. I fully understand that you would not want to put your daughter in that position though. I hope you manage to have a nice day with your own daughter but try not to put your Mum in the middle of the difficulty with your sister.

Original poster

TillyannaB · 29/03/2025 22:56

nomas · 26/03/2025 09:29

Are you welcome in your mum’s home? If yes, I’d drop round with flowers and a card for an hour or however long you want. Do not take your mum out. Have a lovely day with your own dd, it’s YOUR mother’s day.

If you’re not welcome to your mum’s home, just post a card.

Who pays for the meal when your mum and sisters go out?

Dsis (O) who ignored my contact doesn’t work so DM would pay for meals when it’s just them 2 which is at least every other week as DM likes meals out and Dsis gets the free meal. When it’s DM with the 2 Dsis I expect it’s split as other Dsis I get on with (L) would probably say to O she needs to contribute.
when I take DM out I always pay- I just feel it’s the right thing to do.

we would be welcome at DM’s and she does invite us but I always decline due to the one and only time we visited about 12 months after the fall out between me and O, my DC was in DM’s house (with me) asking DM where O and L where to which my DM said L is at work and O is upstairs. DC was then later asking me why O didn’t come downstairs to see her and why doesn’t O take her out like she used to and such like.
so I won’t put DC in that situation ever again where DC thinks O is ignoring her (she actually is). This is where when I mentioned previously DM should step in - her DD in her 30’s is ignoring her GC, it’s wrong.

for some reason this year it’s really pushed a button for me.

OP posts:

JSMill · 26/03/2025 09:40

Back away from your mum. She sounds awful. Enjoy your day with your dd.

nomas · 26/03/2025 09:29

Are you welcome in your mum’s home? If yes, I’d drop round with flowers and a card for an hour or however long you want. Do not take your mum out. Have a lovely day with your own dd, it’s YOUR mother’s day.

If you’re not welcome to your mum’s home, just post a card.

Who pays for the meal when your mum and sisters go out?

Original poster

TillyannaB · 26/03/2025 09:22

JitterbugFairy · 25/03/2025 20:58

Obviously the golden child then. Why is that?

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Interesting you say that as she always said she’s the one of us that parents don’t care about!
she struggled most when we were younger and my dad left as she had a good bond with him, I think this still affects her now which is quite sad. She would always be the one who got emotional with me at emotional moments like when dd was born. I love her regardless and I’m angry at how she dropped dd from her life but hope one day in the future she’ll come back.

she is actually the only one of us who will forget to mark events and I can remember at least twice she hasn’t got a Mother’s Day card for DM and DM was really annoyed.
DM was unwell over Christmas and I was dropping her meals every other day after work, but this DSis was at home with nothing to do but said she couldn’t go to get anything from shops or prepare food so other DSis had to work food shops around her shifts which were 12 hour nights at the time. It’s a funny dynamic.

OP posts:

BeaAndBen · 25/03/2025 23:34

Ignore Pandora's emotional blackmail - I miss my mum very much but it doesn't mean I danced to her tune every day of my life because she was likely to die before me. That's an unhealthy way to live.

Turn it around - you only have so many Mother's Days with your child at home and wanting to spend time with you. Isn't that worth celebrating?

Eenameenadeeka · 25/03/2025 22:56

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think most mothers would try and help their children to resolve a conflict like this, no way would many mothers enjoy the drama!
I'd just tell her, "Sorry Mum, we are busy in the morning so it wont work for us this time. Hope you have a lovely dinner" and leave it there.

Kitkatfiend31 · 25/03/2025 21:11

Card and flowers or 'we are bust Sunday but tea and cake on Saturday if you're free?' is more than adequate.

JitterbugFairy · 25/03/2025 20:58

TillyannaB · 25/03/2025 20:35

Also to add, the way the planning works, DM messages me with the day we need to do after arranging with DSis when they can do. The one I speak to works lots of changing hours, the one I don’t speak with doesn’t work but will have top say in what happens!

Obviously the golden child then. Why is that?

Original poster

TillyannaB · 25/03/2025 20:35

Also to add, the way the planning works, DM messages me with the day we need to do after arranging with DSis when they can do. The one I speak to works lots of changing hours, the one I don’t speak with doesn’t work but will have top say in what happens!

OP posts:

Original poster

TillyannaB · 25/03/2025 20:29

Thank you everyone, again more to think about. Maybe I should try again myself to have a relationship with my DSis, or at least for dd to see her again.

to try to answer some bits,

unfortunately, DM has played the ‘I might be dead…’ card all her life. Even when we were teens we would all react to her telling her to shut up/ don’t be so stupid. I suppose it’s an attention thing she can’t help but it’s bloody annoying hearing it over and over- she has never said it in front of DD but she knows I’d go crazy.

I think the poster that said DD has the measure of DM is quite right.

I will sleep on it and decide tomorrow after reading all these points again.

thanx all x

OP posts:

gamerchick · 25/03/2025 20:15

PandorasBox7 · 25/03/2025 18:32

I actually don’t know what to say about this. My dear mother died over 30 years ago and would love to spend Mother’s Day with her one more time. If you want to exclude her fine but I would think what it would be like if this was her last Mother’s Day and she might not be here next year to celebrate with you How would you feel? If you don’t care about that just go ahead without her. It’s just one day isn’t it ……..

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Someone always always posts this blackmaily stuff on these threads. So what even if it's her last one. She gets to spend it with her favourite kid doesn't she?

You don't put yourself last just because someone's going to die one day.

gamerchick · 25/03/2025 20:08

Your bairns asked to have you to herself. Tell your mother you have plans with your bairn so won't be able to do anything with her this year due to time limits but you'll do something with her another time.

Fuck her.

Rhaidimiddim · 25/03/2025 20:04

LoremIpsumCici · 25/03/2025 19:01

OP's mum sounds entitled and demanding
I don’t read that at all. The origin of these events having to be done separately was by the demand of OP and her DSis who couldn’t stand to be around each other. It wasn’t due to the DM demanding everyone treat her separately.

DM is even deconflicting the schedules of OP and her DSis as they can’t even communicate with each other, “I’ll see mum on the Sunday for brunch are you ok with that? Yes, I’ll take her for dinner…”

So poor DM is going back and forth with when do you? And then to OP, is this ok? Back and forth.

Edited

"Poor DM"?
She's orchestrating the drama, and wsllowing in it.

Rhaidimiddim · 25/03/2025 19:59

TillyannaB · 25/03/2025 17:55

I can’t believe how many replies I have- thank you all so much, all perspectives are good to hear although I’ll leave the dh ones out- it’s how we have always done it due to things his DM side- he has taken dd to get my card already.

Just to clarify, I did make contact with DSis about sorting things but she didn’t respond. Forgot to add, I also asked my mum about 6 months later to help sort things as DD was asking to see her auntie. But DM said ‘you know what she’s like’.

you've all made me think though, every birthday DM has messaged in advance saying can we do this weekend day as DSis want to do xyz the other day and it’s actually been that this last birthday she wanted to go out with us on the Sunday then a couple of weeks before she swapped the day as DSis changed their minds! Silly me just went along with it as usual and maybe that’s the issue.
if I don’t she gets all emotional and arsy or will say to dc ‘why don’t you love me’ and this upsets dc- I STRONGLY put DM right when she does things like this, in front of DD as I don’t want her hearing that crap I grew up with! Then DM sulks or pulls a face.

thank you all, I will try and word it nicely from some suggestions on here.

really thank you.

Your DM is well out of order trying to manipulate your daughter to side with her against you. No wonder DD wants a Mother's Day wothoit that in play.

crockofshite · 25/03/2025 19:59

PandorasBox7 · 25/03/2025 18:57

I’m not shaming you I just said I could not do that it’s just my opinion

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You were being judgy. Don't dress it up as 'opinion'

Rhaidimiddim · 25/03/2025 19:53

AnnaMagnani · 25/03/2025 12:26

Children only learn what to do on Mother's Day if their dads show them.

It may not be Wives Day, but the DH here appears to have forgotten the woman who is actively mothering his children.

This is not true.
If it were, my DDs wouldn't have a clue.

Rhaidimiddim · 25/03/2025 19:51

Nanny0gg · 25/03/2025 19:43

Please don't do this. My mother died nearly 50 years ago

That's no excuse for emotional blackmail

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Thank you!

Anonymouseposter · 25/03/2025 19:50

YANBU to tell your Mum that you aren’t free during the day but YABU to blame her for not “helping my daughter to get her auntie back”. The argument is between you and your sister and your mother is absolutely powerless over it. I guess she doesn’t like the situation at all and is probably doing her best to see each of you separately rather than enjoying two celebrations. You are attributing the worst possible motives to her. You may know her better and I could be wrong but you and your sister are adults and the days of Mum intervening between you are passed. I would do what you want to do with your daughter and arrange to see your Mum a different day but let go of being angry with her for something that isn’t her fault.

LoremIpsumCici · 25/03/2025 19:44

thepariscrimefiles · 25/03/2025 19:35

She said:

'that’s something else she has said in the past it might be her last ‘xyz’ day and how bad would I feel if she was gone for the next one'

By 'her last xyz day', she means that she has said it about at least three special occasions, I would imagine her birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day.

Even saying it once is extremely self-centred, guilt-tripping behaviour. Most normal mums don't threaten their children with their imminent deaths to get their own way.

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In normal circumstances I would agree with you that a normal mum would never say that. However, the circumstances of two adult children having a family feud for 5 years are not really normal. The ‘xyz’ could equally be to anonymise the event rather than imply multiple occasions,

Too, OPs all tend to write their AIBU? To cast themselves in the best light possible and there is a bit of that going on in this thread.

Anyhoo, a diversity of opinion and multiple povs is always a good thing. You could be spot on, or I could.

Nanny0gg · 25/03/2025 19:43

PandorasBox7 · 25/03/2025 18:32

I actually don’t know what to say about this. My dear mother died over 30 years ago and would love to spend Mother’s Day with her one more time. If you want to exclude her fine but I would think what it would be like if this was her last Mother’s Day and she might not be here next year to celebrate with you How would you feel? If you don’t care about that just go ahead without her. It’s just one day isn’t it ……..

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Please don't do this. My mother died nearly 50 years ago

That's no excuse for emotional blackmail

Rhaidimiddim · 25/03/2025 19:43

harriethoyle · 25/03/2025 18:49

@TillyannaB my DM was a tricky beast (although I loved her dearly). For some reason this particularly manifested at Christmas. I had a run of really difficult Christmases as the only child of 4 who spent it with DP - this culminated in a Christmas which my cousin described as watching two elderly lions (DP) pick off the smallest gazelle (me) at the back of the herd 🤣

anyway, long story short I didn’t spend the next Christmas with DM and it was her last. She and DF were just the two of them. Did I regret it? Hell no. Not for one minute. It just meant my primary memories were nice things and not one last shitty Christmas. So don’t be afraid to hold your boundaries!

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Amen!
And I'm sooo glad you came here to.post this, in the face of all the "but she's your mother!" sentimentality from.other posters.

The OP's DC seems to have the measure of her manipulative sulky gran.

Rhaidimiddim · 25/03/2025 19:39

PandorasBox7 · 25/03/2025 18:32

I actually don’t know what to say about this. My dear mother died over 30 years ago and would love to spend Mother’s Day with her one more time. If you want to exclude her fine but I would think what it would be like if this was her last Mother’s Day and she might not be here next year to celebrate with you How would you feel? If you don’t care about that just go ahead without her. It’s just one day isn’t it ……..

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And if this were the OP's last Mother's Day with her child, and the child had specifically asked for a day just the two of them...
"Your mum might be dead next year" is a shitty reason to guilt two people into acceding to a plan neither them is keen on.

thepariscrimefiles · 25/03/2025 19:35

LoremIpsumCici · 25/03/2025 19:25

OP said her mum said it ONCE. It’s not a constant tiny when I’m dead violin that is trotted out repeatedly. I can understand a parent saying it ONCE out of frustration over two adult DS in their 30s that are refusing to speak to or be around each other.

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She said:

'that’s something else she has said in the past it might be her last ‘xyz’ day and how bad would I feel if she was gone for the next one'

By 'her last xyz day', she means that she has said it about at least three special occasions, I would imagine her birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day.

Even saying it once is extremely self-centred, guilt-tripping behaviour. Most normal mums don't threaten their children with their imminent deaths to get their own way.

godeeva · 25/03/2025 19:32

Do what makes you happy as it is a celebration of you as a mother. Just a suggestion : why not join DH and the 3 of you visit his mum? Book a hotel if you want. That way you are sending a message that you also have other priorities which do not include her(and all the drama)