Just want bio mum to step up

OP, do both the children go to private school?

What exactly is your problem? You didn’t sign up for having your partner’s child with you full time. But what do you think your partner should do if the child’s mother doesn’t want him? Should he abandon the child?

Does your DP see his other son that stays with his bio-Mom or is there a different father there?

Do you use your money to support the teen that lives with you and your DP? Because, according to MNers (some of them here pontificating in fact), you are only supposed to spend your salary on your child.

I say this because posters constantly say that a step-father should not support his step-children, because that the mother's job and their dad's job. He is only supposed to support his kids that he has with his ex or exes and help those ex(es) as much as possible. I am betting posters have a different opinion when it's the SM with the $$$. Hypocrisy reins on MN. Always.

I am glad you didn't step away. The nasty people are always nasty, so you get used to it and flick their comments away like a crumb.

There are plenty of supportive comments with real advice and not the denigrating, castigating crap a few posters here excel at dishing out. No helpful advice, just their opinion which, quite frankly, few people care a damn about.

One more thing: In no post of yours did you ever mention you resented your DP's son, just the time your DP doesn't spend with your child and you. So, not only do some posters here try to beat people into the ground, they also make shit up.
Color me surprised.

OP said he lives in her house, doesn’t pay any bills, doesn’t do any cooking, and doesn’t do any cleaning. Textbook cocklodger.

I hear what you're saying, but the part you seem to be misunderstanding is that he is just as entitled to live with his dad as he is with his mum. There doesn't need to be a 'reason', his mum doesn't need to do anything. If he wants to live with his dad, then he should be able to. The mistake that you made was assuming that this would never happen and that if it did, it would be temporary. Even if his mum was an amazing mum, he could still just decide that he wants to live with his dad now.

I'm confused; in another post, you refer to him as your 'son'.

@mumsthewordi I think if you get DP to do more you will feel less resentful - but this is more about him than his son really. You can’t force a relationship between SS and his Mum though (he may get curious as he gets older). But I think you are right you may have been craving stability when you got together. I would also make sure you protect yourself financially in case you do decide to break up.

No one had a perfect life, it doesn’t exist. But if you decide to live with someone who is a parent you need to accept that their child has needs and and wants, their needs will always come first and so will their wants. Providing a secure and loving home is very basic parenting. Do you not parent this way?

*should

I don't see how a secondary school teacher who contributes financially can be described as a 'cocklodger'? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Unfortunately your preference for custody arrangements over a child which isn't yours aren't relevant. And that isn't me being nasty, it's just an unfortunate fact for blended families.

His child is as important to him as yours. He is home. And although the situation might not be what you envisaged, starting a relationship with someone who has a child is a constantly evolving thing. You can't just have a new child and expect him to be an A1 dad to that child, while encouraging him to be less than that to the child that came before.

The only reason people keep referring to the cocklodger as the “more stable parent” is because OP is funding him, housing him, cooking for him, and cleaning for him.

OP seems to believe that if the situation was handled better, her SS could live with his mum again, or at least 50% of the time. If that is true, then it’s not ‘obvious he’s better off’ with his dad full time and not living with him mum at all. It sounds like OPs partner just let it happen, not that he really thought it was for the best, more just he just wasn’t proactive, not bothering to help ex and his son maintain a better relationship when she was having some problems. Again, if that’s true, he has really failed his child. And his other child with his ex.

OP doesn’t have to do anything, she can say enough is enough and kick her partner out. If she stays with him, then yes, her home is also her step sons home, but I think she is right to be concerned that her partner has not encouraged the relationship between his son and his ex to be the best it can be. A child will may realise the importance of it, but his father, as the adult, really should.

Quite how much of this is the boys mums fault is difficult to decipher. Was she physically or mentally ill, was she a good mum previously or is she a bad mum who chose not to put the effort in? We don’t know what’s happened there.

Part of OPs concerns are obviously for herself, and you can argue about what a step mum should or shouldn’t feel all day long, it doesn’t mean that she isn’t right that the boy shouldn’t have been guided into living back with his mum at least half of the time if that was possible.

You did chose this. You met a single father and decided to go out with him. Decided to allow him to move into your home. Decided to start your own family with him.

What did you think was going to happen?

Your partner already had a family, did you think his child wouldn't want to be with his dad? Did you think your partner would want to step away from his parental duties?

I think the family are doing exactly what they should - love and support without forcing a relationship with a feckless parent.

What support do you think she needs to at the very least, maintain regular contact? Are you hoping they'll wedge them back together so he can go back home, instead of staying with his more stable parent?

I agree that you have a partner problem rather than a problem with your SS's mum. He's got his parents and another woman (you) to manage his life for him, so he really doesn't need to make more than minimal effort. It shouldn't be up to you to be responsible for encouraging and trying to develop the relationship between your SS and his mum. Why isn't your partner on here asking for advice and trying to improve things? You have said your SS's mum isn't a bad person, she never abused her children and their other son lives with her full time, so clearly she is a capable parent. She also stays in contact with your SS, albeit in a Disney Dad kind of way, according to you.

I suspect she was ill and beaten down at the point her other son wanted to live with his father and what with the pile on from the grandparents and her ex, she probably felt she was doing what was best for your SS in letting him live with his father, where he was happy. As to why she continues to play the Disney Dad routine, maybe she doesn't know how to change the situation and is worried about making her child unhappy? It's also really hard to keep fighting when you're that beaten down and literally no one supports you.

I think you need regular conversations with your partner about how he should and can help SS improve his relationship with his mum and gradually build up to spending more time with her. But I think you're kidding yourself if you think he will ever devote more time to you and the child you share than he does now. If men want to do something/make something work, they will. If they don't, all of these excuses tend to suddenly appear.

Nope. But also completely expected to step in and overcome the shortcomings of the child’s actual parents, without question. Step-parents seem to be held to a higher standard than their actual parents because YoU kNeW wHaT you WeRe GeTtInG iNtO

OP, this is the most pertinent post I've seen. Your man needs to do much more parenting as well as housework/life admin stuff. I think his parents may have babied him and driven away his ex by interfering. Please don't let any of them take away precious time and energy from you and your child, just because you are trying to be a moral person. I think he may let you down and you'll regret wasting some of your daughter's youth. Good luck.

That makes me feel so sad for the teen. I guess he may just have to be satisfied to having a p/t mom.
Perhaps, in time, they can get a closer bond as it's important to have a bond with both parents.

Does the teen enjoy the time he does spend with his mother? Does he get nervous or anxious? Does he have trouble settling when he is back at home with you and his DF?

Yes.

He had kids when you met him. You should have been prepared for the fact that entering a co-habitation relationship with this man meant there was a possibility of being a stepmum some or all of the time.

It doesn't matter whether you're married or not. The father lives with you, so your home is also one of the homes his children have.

Their mother could die, they'd both be with their dad full time. She could become unwell, they'd both be with their dad full time. She could disappear out of their lives for any number of reasons. They'd both be with their dad full time.

You don't have to love them, lord knows it's not easy to love someone else's children. But you do need to accept that you knowingly entered a relationship with a man who has children, and that means you may end up a full time step parent to these children for any number of circumstances.

OP isn’t married to this cocklodger man.

Sorry but he obviously is better off with you and his Dad, having regular visits with his mum. It doesn’t sound like she can give him the stable home he needs.
You don’t have to be his mum, he has a mum and a dad but you’re his step mum whether you like it or not, that’s what you signed up for when you married a man with a child, and you need to do what’s best for him

That’s such a lovely balanced reply.

You've posted on AIBU which is an open invitation for people to basically be as harsh as they want. The individual/dedicated boards tend to be more polite.

I think the responses you have received are interesting. You've shared how much you do for SS and you're being slated just because you don't feel a strong bond.

Wanting a child to reconcile with their mother and potentially go to 50/50 is perfectly reasonable, it's not like you are trying to kick him out. If he doesn't feel happy or safe at his mum's house then obviously he has to stay full time with you, but you simply suggesting a gradual reconciliation is fine.

The issue here is, you are acting in the role of the mother PLUS being the breadwinner, whilst your partner and your in-laws make all the decisions without consulting you.

They are happy to have you carry the household and financial load, but yet you aren't important enough to be treated equally.

I think the way you have spoken about the boys mum and also your partner's job have been quite respectful considering the situation. You understand his job is valuable even if he is paid less. You also say she should have been given more support.

Being with someone who has a previous child is always a risk, custody rarely stays the same the whole way through... What makes it harder is when your partner isn't stepping up.

I understand there may be cultural things at play here, but I wouldn't stand for it.

Ah now we get the full story.
So there's no child support because they each have 1 of the children rather than mum shirkingher responsibilitiesas you implied, and how often does this prince of a man see his other child?
More to the point what will you do if the other dc wants to live with dad full time too?

So the mum is ‘useless’ despite providing exactly the same parenting as the dad? One child each. The mum has been slated for not providing maintenance, is the father for his other child?

you now find yourself in a very hard situation op which there is really no good way out of.

can you try to empathise what it must be like for your dss? He’s 9. His thinking will be black and white, and lacking empathy, as per children. So he is not wanted by his mother. He has a step sister who he lives with who is in private school whereas he isn’t? (I’m not saying that you should pay for that, I’m asking you to think about what that feels like from his pov).