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Original poster

Just want bio mum to step up

443 replies

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 05:57

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

OP posts:
Lemanandliq · 25/03/2025 18:54

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Lemanandliq · 25/03/2025 18:53

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ImNoSuperman · 25/03/2025 18:53

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 18:49

They’ve had enough court battles

she has brainwashed him

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Has he ever spent time with the younger child? If they were divorced a few years before you came along, he can't have been more than a toddler when his dad left.

GabriellaMontez · 25/03/2025 18:52

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 18:50

Yes he does - just not his time

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He's got 1 son living with you.

How does he have so little time for you and your child?

Lemanandliq · 25/03/2025 18:52

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Lemanandliq · 25/03/2025 18:51

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Original poster
mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 18:51

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I had asked him in our initial dating survey Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 18:50

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Yes he does - just not his time

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Original poster
mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 18:49

Shelby2010 · 25/03/2025 18:39

@mumsthewordi

One more question, you’ve said that DP isn’t allowed to see his other son. Why hadn’t he taken his ex to court to fight for access? She shouldn’t be in a position to allow or deny this. Presumably it also means that the 2 boys rarely see each other.

It always comes across as a bit of a dodgy excuse when you hear the dad say, ‘crazy ex won’t let me see my child’. The other son must be feeling just as abandoned, as I don’t expect his mother is being honest with him. Probably just tells his father doesn’t care.

They’ve had enough court battles

she has brainwashed him

OP posts:
Lemanandliq · 25/03/2025 18:44

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Lemanandliq · 25/03/2025 18:40

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Shelby2010 · 25/03/2025 18:39

@mumsthewordi

One more question, you’ve said that DP isn’t allowed to see his other son. Why hadn’t he taken his ex to court to fight for access? She shouldn’t be in a position to allow or deny this. Presumably it also means that the 2 boys rarely see each other.

It always comes across as a bit of a dodgy excuse when you hear the dad say, ‘crazy ex won’t let me see my child’. The other son must be feeling just as abandoned, as I don’t expect his mother is being honest with him. Probably just tells his father doesn’t care.

Lemanandliq · 25/03/2025 18:36

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Lemanandliq · 25/03/2025 18:29

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Original poster
mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 16:33

HappyMoomin · 25/03/2025 16:24

@mumsthewordi I don’t usually comment, but just wanted to say that you sound like a very good stepmum. 💐

I hate to ask this, but is it at all possible that you haven’t been told the whole truth about what ever arrangements where agreed to regarding children when your DP and his ex divorced? How old were the children when the divorce happened? Is it possible the reason the ex wife seems ok with not having the older son over more is that she somehow imagines that it could lead to her “losing” the younger son as well?

I apologise if that seems far fetched, I only ask because I actually know a family where the mother agreed, under pressure from the ex and his family, to let her older child go live with his father in order to keep the younger one (who was very young at the time) with her full time.

thank you

so, I don’t think it’s untruths but a version I’ve been told right ? His version.
the parents version

i dont know hers , I wish I did. I’m a big supporter of women, sometimes blindly !

I just think the eldest reminded her of OH - horrible to say , not idea during a divorce

the custody was to her, with visitation from him or whatever they call it. It still is ! She just doesn’t let youngest see OH

OP posts:
HappyMoomin · 25/03/2025 16:24

@mumsthewordi I don’t usually comment, but just wanted to say that you sound like a very good stepmum. 💐

I hate to ask this, but is it at all possible that you haven’t been told the whole truth about what ever arrangements where agreed to regarding children when your DP and his ex divorced? How old were the children when the divorce happened? Is it possible the reason the ex wife seems ok with not having the older son over more is that she somehow imagines that it could lead to her “losing” the younger son as well?

I apologise if that seems far fetched, I only ask because I actually know a family where the mother agreed, under pressure from the ex and his family, to let her older child go live with his father in order to keep the younger one (who was very young at the time) with her full time.

Iloveyoubut · 25/03/2025 16:17

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 13:08

either in or out? who says, get off your high horse

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But it’s true, you are either in or out when it comes to children.

BatchCookBabe · 25/03/2025 15:52

Patterncarmen · 25/03/2025 09:49

Judgment is the modus operandi on mumsnet. Unfortunately, I’ve found women are generally not that supportive of each other, and mumsnet is no exception.

I would say it is normal that you don’t feel the same sort of love as a stepmother that you do as a mother. It isn’t great that the biological mother of the child simply isn’t interested. You have to decide how you can lower the resentment level if you want to stay in the relationship, and I’d agree that means talking to your partner about getting the mother of his child more involved in his upbringing if you can. Giving your stepson a decent home IMHO makes you a superhero.

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Why should I automatically support someone purely because we both happen to have a vagina? 😆

Seriously, this is ALWAYS trotted out on here. And it's utter hogwash. I am not going to instantly support every other woman, purely because I am a woman too. NOT if I believe she is in the wrong - as the OP is (IMO.) Newsflash honey, the sisterhood does NOT exist!

This nonsense reminds me of Louis Walsh on X factor who would (for example) tell the whole of Wales to 'get behind this singer and vote for him!' Purely because said singer was Welsh. Never mind if he was crap, or not very likeable. No, he lives a mile from me so I'll vote for him, even though he can't sing for shite.

Seriously! 😂

thepariscrimefiles · 25/03/2025 15:10

Bumblebeestiltskin · 25/03/2025 14:42

I have to say, out of all the posts on this thread, yours are coming across as the nastiest.

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Hardly. All the posts from @Beetstew have been deleted for breaking Mumsnet Talk guidelines so they can hardly have been all sweetness and light. OP has been pretty polite and measured throughout this thread.

Original poster
mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 15:06

TunnocksOrDeath · 25/03/2025 15:03

My understanding is that you are not ready to be married to your partner, and still view your home as "yours" rather than a shared property, and you allowed him to move in with you at a point when he was not the resident parent of his son. You agreed (4 years ago) to have your stepson stay with you full-time as a temporary measure, but your partner and his family have since encouraged him to consider it a permanent arrangement, but haven't actually talked to you properly about whether you're ok with that?
I think those feelings of reservation are natural, and I wouldn't judge anyone from holding back, but if you were not ready to go all-in with your partner, as a family unit, you probably shouldn't have had a child with him.
You can't expect him to encourage his first child to stay with a woman who evidently cannot cope, while caring for his second child full time within the kind of stable caring home environment that every child deserves, the disparity is heartbreaking.

I don’t think there really was a disparity
they bad mouthed her to him

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Original poster
mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 15:06

Cravey · 25/03/2025 14:55

I think you are rather nasty too. Poor boy !

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I won’t bite
use to this as a step mum, being held to a higher standard than his own parents are :)
he’s a lovely boy and not poorly treated at all

OP posts:
TunnocksOrDeath · 25/03/2025 15:03

My understanding is that you are not ready to be married to your partner, and still view your home as "yours" rather than a shared property, and you allowed him to move in with you at a point when he was not the resident parent of his son. You agreed (4 years ago) to have your stepson stay with you full-time as a temporary measure, but your partner and his family have since encouraged him to consider it a permanent arrangement, but haven't actually talked to you properly about whether you're ok with that?
I think those feelings of reservation are natural, and I wouldn't judge anyone from holding back, but if you were not ready to go all-in with your partner, as a family unit, you probably shouldn't have had a child with him.
You can't expect him to encourage his first child to stay with a woman who evidently cannot cope, while caring for his second child full time within the kind of stable caring home environment that every child deserves, the disparity is heartbreaking.

Cravey · 25/03/2025 14:55

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I think you are rather nasty too. Poor boy !

saraclara · 25/03/2025 14:55

Bumblebeestiltskin · 25/03/2025 14:42

I have to say, out of all the posts on this thread, yours are coming across as the nastiest.

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I think OP has been remarkably measured up to now. But given the sheer spite in so many posts, I think she can be forgiven for starting to fight back

saraclara · 25/03/2025 14:52

nomas · 25/03/2025 13:17

Women mainly tell other women they have to be 100% in to being a step-parent as a way to punish a woman for daring to have another relationship after kids.

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That. And when the step parent takes on the 100% (going to parents evenings, telling people they love step child just as much as their own, getting a mother's day card from the kid and basically mothering) the actual mother becomes furious that step mum has over-stepped into her territory.

Oh, and then having given 100% and grown to love the bones of the step kid, the relationship breaks up and she never sees the kid again.

Step mothers can't do right for doing wrong, and are extremely vulnerable. I thank my lucky stars that I've never been one.