Just want bio mum to step up

This is your fault.
You shouldn't have got with someone who already has a child who's own mum is a useless twat. Poor child, at least his dad wants him. You sound awful, only thinking about yourself.

Good on you for providing a secure home for SS. It will only be about six years more and he will be out forging a life for himself. He needs direction and support.

Hopefully his mother will show some active love and affection towards him before he is fully grown.
Then he will have his sibling, you, his grandparents and father all batting for him, as well as his mother.

ok benefit of the doubt here. Do you think it would be in dss best interests to have contact with his mum. Do you think she’s in a better place now than when she left him. Obviously you know the full story we don’t.

I can hear your frustration OP but you are directing your resentment at the wrong person. It’s your OH who is making life harder for you, leaving you to do everything and pay the bills as well as putting a roof over his head. Why can’t he do more? At the very least he could help out at home, even if he can’t contribute equally. Does he do the childcare while you work? It is hard to see why he is neither available to help you nor earning enough to contribute. Does he have big debts? Or work in a long hours low pay job? I think you are deflecting your resentment onto your SS who is blameless here. You need to talk about this situation before it destroys your family. Your feelings are valid but need addressing.

I can see how your situation won’t work for most men or women in many ways. Is it resentment for the financial and non-financial support you are providing? Was this agreed with you or was it “snuck up” on you? Either way you have the right to discuss it now and restate what you want.

Wanting the mother to be more in his life is a great idea - arranging contact opportunities could be an option. Seems like you want the son to move in with mother or be 50/50 - which is it? Is that even an option? What truly are the options? Have you spoken to your partner?

You are resenting a child instead of the useless man who cocklodges in your house and doesn't contribute anything other than money, which you didn't need as you were financially stable.

Why is anyone who thinks you are in the wrong, nasty?

He left when his son was little. He won't leave you because he needs you to raise both his children.

What I don’t understand is that if it was a dad who dropped their son off and opted out of parenting, he would be slated.

OP, is she paying any form of maintenance? Does she contribute anything to his costs?

Agree with this one. It’s clearly not the SS fault - the father is a bit of a freeloader. It’s pretty damn rich that it’s your house, your salary and your domestic work that prop everyone up. The resentment (pretty reasonable) belongs to your partner not the SS. What exactly is stopping him from being a more equitable partner domestically?

Plus you would be nuts to marry him given the circumstances.

You all live together. You’re repeatedly mixing up home and house – you own the house. You all live together in the home.

Op if it’s too much you can end the relationship and they can both move out. You are allowed to do this if it no longer suits you. The child is the important person here, they have nothing and no one else and need a parent and a stable life, but that does not need to be you.

He is home. He lives with his father. If you don't like that you shouldn't have taken up with a man who already had children.

I think you’ve had a rough ride on here. You’ve inadvertently walked into a cocklodger situation where it’s now too late to assert boundaries without a (probable) negative impact on a child.

The kid’s dad and mum are the ones that fucked up their kid and aren’t providing for him.

You separate, your ex meets someone new and has 50% custody of your child.
His new woman gets pregnant, rinse and repeat.

It sounds like your partner had no home & was possibly living with his parents when you met & then now you are providing a home DS decided to move in. I can’t really see what your partner contributes to the house budget. It also seems you do the bulk of the house work & running of the house. I would say you have a partner problem. I don’t think the stepson is the issue.

I’m baffled as to why you have had a baby with this man?

Look, ultimately, you live with your boyfriend and his son.

Surely you can see that the relationship dynamic would be skewed towards their bond?

No one can demand that you love your dss and you should not be made to feel guilty for that.

If you offer him kindness and care, that should be enough, OP, his dad and grandparents can provide the love.

As for marriage, you don't need or want to marry yet, and that is reasonable if the house is yours and your partner is not contributing equally. If you feel comfortable with it in the future, then great, but it must be your choice. You will not be disadvantaged by staying single.

I think you just have to carry on as you are now. Good luck

Especially given OP has said she's a widow herself. So she knows first hand that spouses / other parents can be gone for any number of reasons. Even if her OHs son was living with mum permanently, there might have come a time she wasn't around.

There's always a possibility that a single parents child will end up with them full time when they weren't before.

He is a child, you are the adult. He has absolutely no control of this situation, he just has to deal with the consequences of his mother and step mother not being that fussed on him. If he isn’t always the easiest child then it’s hardly a reach to understand why. You do have control, if you’re not happy then you can choose to leave- he does not have that luxury (right now). The child living with his father who loves him seems to be the one thing that does actually make sense here.