Just want bio mum to step up

You’ve taken on an unhoused man, and as a consequence, his child from his previous relationship.

The mother appears to have removed herself from the child’s life, so the only option if you don’t want this child living with you, is to kick out the man.

Just using the term 'bio mum' in the title will attract a pile-on but OP is right - this child was 9 years old and living with his mother, things got difficult in Covid and he moved 'temporarily' to the father, and rather than the father supporting him to have a solid relationship with his mother, he's just taken the attitude of "oh your mother's a bit rubbish, here, I got you a new one"

That lands OP with a lot of responsibility that she hadn't necessarily anticipated and means that she is caring for a teenager who COULD have a good relationship with both parents (while still living with OP) but only sees his mother even sporadically because it's OP who's made sure it happens.

Absolutely agree. You should have said something at the time and not let a child live with you for 4 years.

My step daughter lives with us and has done full time since she was 7, she's now 16. Her mum is around but has significant struggles with her mental health so it works for us all that she lives with us.
I have never once resented my step daughter as it is not her fault. I go to parents evenings, sports days, run around to after school activities. Just as I do my other 4 children. I have never treated her any different. Why would I?

Please don’t marry him and lose the house just don’t!

but why all the cooking and cleaning etc?

and yes steps should be done to reconcile for him

Hi @mumsthewordi You sound like a really decent person who’s been through a lot. You also sound like you’re doing a lot - it’s your house, you’re working, doing a lot around the home with a young child/baby and a teenager.
I just wanted to say that a really serious conversation with your OH is needed and a real split of chores outlined with time allocated for you to have a break.
In terms of your SS and rebuilding his relationship with his mother - it’s good to encourage this from a point of caring about SS future. Good luck OP - you’re doing a great job xx

The boy wants to live with his dad. By the OP’s own admission, his ‘bio mum’ is pretty useless. The poor kid at 9 years old knew this and chose to live with his dad. His choice should be respected.

The boy doesn’t deserve to be resented because his mother is useless.

@mumsthewordi can you explain why your partner can’t contribute towards bills? What does he do with his money? Do you get any CSM from mum?

Many stepdads end up living with their stepchildren due to useless dads.

Does the mum have medical issues either physical or mental?

It does sound from the outside that your DP has delegated all the care of his son to you.

You might have grown more than fond of him if it hadn’t meant taking on extra cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping & increased bills. Do you ever get to do any of the ‘fun’ side of parenting with him, or is that the part when his dad takes over?

Nobody is saying the OP should have to step up and be okay with it. What they are saying is that the dad should step up, this is his responsibility, this is his child.

Of course the mum should step up and be a mum and yes her behaviour is despicable, but until she sorts her shit out someone needs to parent this lad and provide for him and that should be his dad. Just the same as it is tens of thousands of single mums up and down the country.

You have a dh problem. You only mention difficulties with the mum and aren’t being specific though. Probably need more info on that aspect tbh

Well said, OP.

She also says no one has encouraged him to "go home" which suggests she doesn't view his home as with his father, only his mother. He lives with his father, he is "home".

It may not have been the circumstances she chose when she decided to live with and have a baby with a man who was already a father, but there is always a possibility that a child will need to live with one parent over the other, regardless of how it was when she met him. She says she didn't think he would live with them. Even though she knows from her own experience that anything can happen to anyone at any age. She still chose a man with a child and is now resentful that the child now lives with him.

Thankfully she owns the house so she has options, including deciding it’s not their home anymore.

OP has said that she does all the cooking and cleaning, owns the house that they live in and pays all the bills.

It doesn't sound as though her partner has stepped up, he has just outsourced his responsibilities to OP. Before he moved in with OP, he was living with his parents who were doing most of the parenting of their grandchild so again he didn't have full responsibility for his child.

One would normally expect the mother to have her child with her at least some of the time so this situation is unusual.

As they aren't married and the house belongs solely to her, OP just could ask her partner and his son to leave. She doesn't actually have to 'suck it up'.

Why are the mothers always expected to be the main carer?!

Why is the step-mother expected to be main carer? She is paying the bills and doing all the cooking and cleaning. Unacceptable. She should boot them both out.

He’s never been encouraged to go home…

Well that’s because he is at home. Inconvenient for you OP, but that’s really it.

Exactly! Why should this lad NOT live with his dad?! Why are the mothers always expected to be the main carer?! Patriarchy anyone?!

OP should have realised this may have happened when she got with a man who was a father!

Bio mother is shit. So what? Punish the child for it??

Then OP should get both to leave.