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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just want bio mum to step up

443 replies

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 05:57

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 25/03/2025 09:19

It's almost impossible to think of a situation where a mother has full residential responsibility for one child but has no capacity to have a relationship and some residential care for another who is nine years old. But if your step son goes 50/50 with his mother then his brother might too with his dad. Which wouldn't exactly resolve the issues of time your partner can spend with you and your shared daughter. He has 3 children (that we know of), that's time consuming for any parent, never mind one with children in different houses.

MellowPinkDeer · 25/03/2025 09:19

I got to the end of page one and all the typical MN step mum bashing. Boring.

anyway, OP. It sounds to me like you’d just like her to be more active and build more of a relationship with her son so that HE doesn’t miss out?! It certainly isn’t your place to fill in for her , it sounds like you’re already doing all the things you should do In Your situation.

you will never win on this forum if you’re not willing to sell your soul for your step kids, of course their ‘bio mum’ doesn’t need to step up 🙄 it’s all your fault obviously!!

Original poster
mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:19

crumblingschools · 25/03/2025 09:17

Do you see the other son @mumsthewordi? Does your partner pay towards him is that why he doesn’t contribute to you?

I contribute more if you count mortgage and holidays - he does have a lot of time for him. He’s a dad with a teen son, guess inevitable- had less in common with our toddler right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:18

Hoppinggreen · 25/03/2025 09:17

OP you sound quite resentful that you have provided a home and lots of other htings for your partner and his son. You are facilitating their whole relationship because if you hadn't had a house and/or allowed your partner to live with you its more likely that your SS would still be with his Mum. Do you feel used at all?
It does sound like your partner isn't a lot of use, if thats the case and you decide not to be with him any more then thats a valid option for you. He will have to find somewhere else to live and so will his son

Yes I do feel used

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 25/03/2025 09:17

Do you see the other son @mumsthewordi? Does your partner pay towards him is that why he doesn’t contribute to you?

Hoppinggreen · 25/03/2025 09:17

OP you sound quite resentful that you have provided a home and lots of other htings for your partner and his son. You are facilitating their whole relationship because if you hadn't had a house and/or allowed your partner to live with you its more likely that your SS would still be with his Mum. Do you feel used at all?
It does sound like your partner isn't a lot of use, if thats the case and you decide not to be with him any more then thats a valid option for you. He will have to find somewhere else to live and so will his son

HowardTJMoon · 25/03/2025 09:17

You've said that you want your OH to support his ex more, presumably as a way of helping her to have a better relationship with DS. What do you think that support should look like?

BatchCookBabe · 25/03/2025 09:15

ClairDeLaLune · 25/03/2025 09:14

As so often happens, the first post nails it.

You’re in a partnership with a man with a child, you become a stepmother. You can’t choose not to. Poor kid, the relationship with his mum broken down and you don’t want him either. Good for your DH stepping up.

YABVU. Do better.

Edited
Show quote history

👏Yep. This. ^

ClairDeLaLune · 25/03/2025 09:14

ScrewedByFunding · 25/03/2025 06:05

Poor child. You should not have married someone who already had a child if you did not want to be a stepmother

And don't call her bio mum. Mum will do nicely.

As so often happens, the first post nails it.

You’re in a partnership with a man with a child, you become a stepmother. You can’t choose not to. Poor kid, the relationship with his mum broken down and you don’t want him either. Good for your DH stepping up.

YABVU. Do better.

Naunet · 25/03/2025 09:12

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:04

I knew he had kids so i should have been prepared to be full time step parent

which legally I’m not as we’re not married

Show quote history

Yes! What's so crazy about that?

BatchCookBabe · 25/03/2025 09:12

ClareBlue · 25/03/2025 09:07

And you knew he had kids. Are there more potential step children. Where do they live?

Exactly!

Tiswa · 25/03/2025 09:11

Does he see his brother at all then?
9 is very young to have a broken down relationship with your mum particularly when a brother is still there

BatchCookBabe · 25/03/2025 09:11

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck

They attack you and totally give the bio Mom a pass. A bio Mom that may need some help but has been denigrated by the poor kid's grandparents and father. Maybe she isn't capable to care for her son, but she could still have a relationship with her. Is the father making it difficult for the DS to even see his DM, or brainwashing him to hate his DM?

You mean the MOTHER. Bio mum indeed. Hmm Are you a bitter and angry stepmum by any chance? Wink

Original poster
mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:11

ClareBlue · 25/03/2025 09:08

Crossed post. So the mother can look after one child.

Yes exactly

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:10

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 25/03/2025 09:05

How can you be loving if you haven't bonded with him?

Show quote history

I guess it’s just what he and I have come to in our relationship- you do know he’s not my life therefore not my responsibility? Or because I’m a woman does this mean he automatically makes me responsible?

I have boundaries so we don’t need to bond.
i am responsible and I provide him a home , help with his homework, cook, ferry him from here to there, advise him of issues - he can come to me over his mother

so call it what u will, it’s loving of sorts

OP posts:
Conniebygaslight · 25/03/2025 09:09

OP, I'm an SM and my DDs has a shit mum who constantly kicked him out, he kept going back because all of his friends were near where his mum was. It was very difficult as I did so much for him but he always seemed to resent it or shove me away. Fast forward to him now being 26 years old and we have a brilliant relationship and have done since he was about 18. His relationship with our other children (all young adults) is fabulous too. Stick with him, it will be so worth it for your own DC.

ClareBlue · 25/03/2025 09:08

Crossed post. So the mother can look after one child.

FortyElephants · 25/03/2025 09:07

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:04

I knew he had kids so i should have been prepared to be full time step parent

which legally I’m not as we’re not married

Show quote history

There's no legal difference between a married step parent or an unmarried one.

ClareBlue · 25/03/2025 09:07

And you knew he had kids. Are there more potential step children. Where do they live?

CowTown · 25/03/2025 09:07

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:01

we could go more 50/50 as u say but I don’t want to change my lifestyle

Unfortunately, this isn’t an option. Just like you cannot force a deadbeat dad to step up and take his kids 50/50, you cannot force SS’s mum to do 50/50.

Your DP has his son 100%. Accept this, or remove him from your home. You’re under no obligation to house DP/SS and do all of their cleaning, cooking, laundry, whilst financing them.

Original poster
mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:07

ClareBlue · 25/03/2025 09:05

From the last update there seems to be more children involved than the shared daughter and step son. Are there children in the house from your relationship prior to being widowed?

No, he has two sons with ex
one remains with mum

OP posts:
TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 25/03/2025 09:05

mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 08:38

Ah you’re the saint type us lesser SMs can’t live up to , won’t try to compete with this. I suppose I’ve no one to compare him to as I only have one SS my Biological d is still young. I guess I feel something intrinsically biological with her - but who knows I’ve done everything and more as a loving step mum!

I’m underselling myself here Grin

Show quote history

How can you be loving if you haven't bonded with him?

ClareBlue · 25/03/2025 09:05

From the last update there seems to be more children involved than the shared daughter and step son. Are there children in the house from your relationship prior to being widowed?

Original poster
mumsthewordi · 25/03/2025 09:04

Naunet · 25/03/2025 09:01

So he does pull his weight and your issue is purely that you don't want fathers to have to take the same responsibility as mothers often do and be the RP? I'm sorry, I'm normally on the step mums side, and they do get an unfair ride on here, but in this case, I think the phrase 'you knew he had a child' is actually appropriate.

Edited
Show quote history

I knew he had kids so i should have been prepared to be full time step parent

which legally I’m not as we’re not married

OP posts:
Comtesse · 25/03/2025 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oh please. OP is doing more than her fair share. Don’t be an ass.

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