Just want bio mum to step up

You say you are not legally a step parent because you are not married, but it doesn't matter. You all live together. You invited him to move in, you had a child with him knowing he already had a child and knowing he wasn't a high earner. What if the boy's mother had died suddenly? You'd have two of them full time and really wouldn't have grounds to complain, would you?

I get that there are bigger issues over how much he contributes financially and in terms of practical help in the house, but that's a separate issue that needs addressing.

Some people feel he's played you. Moved in to a nicely feathered nest that has made everything easy for him, provided his son with a comfortable home life that he could never have provided by himself. Some people seem to think that make him a cocklodger, and for the lack of help around the house alone, perhaps it does. But is he doing anything any differently than hundreds of thousands of single mums do? They find themselves a nice 'responsible' hard working, comfortably off man (who is nothing like their feckless ex, which is the whole point) to take care of them and their existing children. Then they make sure they have a baby with him so that their feet are well and truly under the table. There are many, many men taking full responsibility for children that are not theirs because the bio dad is useless,poor, feckless and/or absent. Is it the end of the world if it happens the other way around sometimes? You knew the score when you took him on.

If you aren't happy and you'd rather live alone with your own child or children, then fine. Do it. But if you want him then you have to accept he comes as a package deal. You don't get to sideline a child, when they are happy and settled living full time with that parent and that parent is happy to have them there.

If a man moved his female partner in, had a baby with her, then told her that he wanted her older child to start going 'home' for longer periods of time to his dad's to give 'their family' more time without him, knowing full well that the dad was flaky and largely uninterested in having him there, there would be uproar.

HRTFT. Did you read your OP before posting? You should never have become involved with your partner and had DD until you'd fully accepted his DS into your life. Imagine someone sending your DD away from you and the home where she's happily living with her parent.
That poor child

As a general point, being a step mum is probably the hardest role in a family there is. And just when you think you're doing a reasonable job along will come something not particularly important in the scheme of things, but really cutting to you that shows nobody really values what you do. Omitting you from a family dinner, or someone saying 'she's only his step mum' for example.
So ignore all the pile on about you knew what you were getting into etc. You obviously care enough to try and resolve your issues and not just reject the SS because he's not your child.

Your OH and his parents seem to be good people who have done everything they can for the child. It sounds like they would do anything to keep him and don’t want the biological mother involved, whereas you feel the opposite.

I completely hear you, I’m not sure I could ever bond with a child who wasn’t mine, but I would never get involved with a man who had kids. I suppose you have two options, carry on and accept that this child is going to be part of your life forever, or you could break it off and live in your own house with your own child, but your OH and his child are always going to be in your life as they are related to your daughter. You’re in it for the long haul with these people regardless, it’s just whether you feel you can fulfill the role as loving step-mum. I think you need to forget the bio Mum, she’s out of the picture. She seems ok with this and so do your OH, his parents and the boy.

Well, I actually don't disagree that it may be in ss's best interests to have a closer relationship with his mother. Particularly as it will likely breed resentment in him that she is able to keep her other child, but not him. And particularly as you don't feel bonded to him, so he's likely missing a significantly nurturing presence in his life. However, it sounds like the root cause of your feelings is that you feel your dp's attention is disproportionately spent on his son rather than your child together. As others have said, this is more of a dp problem.

Irrespective of whether or not you are married, you entered a relationship with a man with another child. I think it's pretty normal not to feel the all consuming love for a stepchild that you have for your own. I always tell my 8yo dd that I love her as my daughter, and I love my 25yo stepdaughter as a step daughter. It's still love, just a different kind of love. But if you start a life with a man with a child, logic follows that you should have your eyes open - if the child's other parent dies for example, then you take on that responsibility.

In this case though, I think this is more about your relationship with your dp and addressing any resentment there in the first instance.

Nice try luv, but you failed. My DC are adults who went out into the world some years ago after leaving uni, and now have their own homes, their own partners, and their own very successful careers.

And I am also 'a regular old mommy who is married to their father.' 🙄 Nice little snipe at divorced people and step parents there by the way. Did it give you a little dopamine hit dishing out that barbed comment to people who have had broken relationships, whilst you sit on your smug pedestal judging them all?

What a rude post!

LOL! They are not the same. 🙄
Not legally, morally, socially, mentally, emotionally or even physically. OP has no legal responsibilities for her DP's son, which fits since she also has no legal right to him either. A married stepmother has to go through a divorce. An unmarried non-step-mother can show the DP and his kids the door at any time if she owns the house, which in this case, she does.

MNers are quite the bunch! 😆

Interesting.

Erm no, but you've had a kid with his dad? So he's your child's brother, maybe treat him nicely?

I think a lot of people would move out if the DSC moved in full time. Why do we have to pretend that anyone would enjoy living with someone else's children full time? We do our best at either 50/50 or EOW but its not easy. But you're not supposed to say that.

Just tell him to move out if you don't want to have the step mother role, that's really the only option here.

I was a child with two step parents and of course I didn't expect them to love me, nor I them. Why would they/I have, just because my parents had feelings for them? It makes no sense emotionally.

In time (it took more than a decade) I came to develop a loving relationship with one, and not the other. It would have been weird if they professed to love me like their own children.

I feel sorry for this boy. His mother isn't seemingly that bothered about him and you aren't either. Yet you want his father to give him less attention too? And you seem resentful of your OH for both having a child and not earning as much as you - both of which you presumably knew when you met. You also admit that he cooks and cleans and contributes despite saying earlier that you're responsible for everything.

Only you know whether this is true but you seem a bit like one of those male breadwinners who resent it when children come along and they're no longer the centre of attention.

Children deserve love and attention and it's to your OH's credit that he gives his son this. It's only for a few more years and he'll want to hang out with his mates more than you!

Go after his mum for CM and take a step back so his actual dad does more for him. No point in letting people walk all over you and complain about being a doormat

Nope, not at all. Just a regular old mommy to wonderful children and married to their father, something rare these days it seems. Are you a lazy, "overworked" mommy who doesn't want her kids around by any chance? 😉

"Do better"? Are you kidding? She does everything for this boy. It's her home that he lives in she pays for everything he needs, she ferries him around, she's kind to him, he feels able to talk to her, she parents him in every way.

The only thing she's concerned about is that she doesn't love him like she does her own child, and that she thinks he and his mum should be encouraged to have more contact.

The amount of spite for step mums on this forum, is horrific. I'm not a step mum, but I feel for any of them who dare ask advice on here.

She does not love him and there is nothing you can do about it.
Carry on with what you are doing. You are doing great.