Breastfeeding, AIBU to think I just can't do it

Also second La Leche league or the NCT breastfeeding helpline (free). They can support you, la Leche run feeding groups too.

The time to bf and pump is just so much and so much admin, plus find extra feeds is too much! I would feel frazzled.

personally I’d get the tongue tie sorted and then wean to just bf without top ups and make a decision when you’re less exhausted. At least then you have no regrets. Taking a bottle after a feed doesn’t necessarily mean they are still hungry- once the teat is in the position it triggers baby’s suckling reaction. As they get older they feed less so it becomes easier generally.

personally I found many HV and midwives to be really poorly educated on the science of bf, perpetuating myths the same as friends and family eg they wake in the night coz you’re not producing enough milk etc. then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy as you top up with formula more. Then baby can be unsettled as feeling full, so seen as fussy, so you think they need more formula etc etc.

its really hard because all you want is to make sure your baby isn’t hungry!

i think combi feeding can be really successful but only to pump then get sleep so next time they wake someone else can give a bottle. Feeding and pumping is so exhausting. Or decide you’re replacing a feed and always give a bottle then.

youve done so well to get this far. It is really hard. I also know numerous people who had tongue tie babies that were misdiagnosed multiple times but once it got sorted they fed no problem.

It is honestly not worth losing sleep over. If you want to keep going, invest in a lactation consultant as soon as possible, and they can guide you on how to optimise. If you don’t want to, either pump and bottle feed, or move to formula. At 3 weeks, my daughter stopped latching on the right hand side, and exclusively feeds from the left now, and she’s 1. I look back and wish I had just moved to formula as there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You’ve done so well, it’s so hard! It is honestly not worth killing yourself over though, do what makes you happy and keeps your baby satisfied!

edited to add: most midwives are useless at helping, as they aren’t properly trained. La Leche League/national breastfeeding helpline are AMAZING!

Firstly, you're doing great. Breastfeeding is hard work for the first few months. It's also really difficult to get the right advice and support.

Pumping can increase your supply and make your breasts engorged. Which is then a vicious cycle as baby struggles with a fast let down and you pump to relieve, but then your body thinks "quick make more milk!"

I would get proper advice from a qualified Breastfeeding Lactation Consultant, especially one who is trained to diagnose tongue tie. Unfortunately midwives and Health Visitors are not obliged to gain any qualifications in breastfeeding or tongue tie. Even though they're the ones who promote breastfeeding and give advice ...

On Instagram Olivia Lactation Consultant has great advice. There's the National Breastfeeding Helpline. There should hopefully be a peer support service in your area too.

Your experience seems similar to mine with my oldest. He couldn’t latch at all so I started using nipple shields. I was told by a volunteer in a breastfeeding support clinic that he might have tong tie. At the end he got it cut at 5 weeks, but he couldn’t latch without nipple shields still. He managed to finally latch without nipple shields at 11 weeks. Until 11 weeks I breastfed him with the nipple shields and then I expressed milk and gave it to him in a bottle. It was super hard. My three kids have had the tong tie cut; it is a simple and quick procedure. I read the milk transfer with nipple shields is more difficult. Once he manages to latch without nipple shields it will be easier. I stopped expressing soon after he managed to latch without nipple shields. I would get a second opinion about the tong tie. With my three kids, I have been told that they did not have a tong tie by the midwives; the three times I have hired a lactation consultant who confirmed the tong tie. I

I used nipple shields for 3months. I actually quite liked them because I could whip them off when I'd had enough and he couldn't latch on again..and then at 3months the baby who could not figure out how to latch, despite countless lactation advisers helping and trying every trick and nursing position in the book, latched on. I don't know if he's mouth got bigger, he got stronger, more determined or what. But he just suddenly got it. The same happened with my neighbour at around 3months. She said her baby got latched for the first time when she was nursing lying down with her, so maybe that could be worth trying in time.
I'd perserve if you can. Sounds like you're doing an amazing job.

Go private and get the tongue checked. I was in absolute agony feeding, baby lost 10% of weight by 5 day check! I went private as was desperate to BF, he had it cut and honestly the difference was insane! He regained the weight so quickly and BF til 21 months when he reluctantly was weaned 🤣 pleas check tongue again, my sons was missed by 2 midwives and health visitor and his was a severe tie!

Give yourself some credit, you're doing a brilliant job! It can be really hard for the first few weeks.

I fed both mine for 15 months, first baby needed nipple shields the whole time, second one got the hang of feeding without them about three months in. There's no issue with continuing to use them if they make the latch easier. If you're reducing expressing do it gradually or you will likely get mastitis.

Definitely see if you can get a second opinion on the tongue tie, it could easily be more of a problem than it seems. If you can express that much you obviously don't have a supply problem, so it's more likely to be something like an issue with the latch. If you have a breastfeeding consultant locally it would probably be worth the money for some expert help.

Above all don't let it stop you enjoying your lovely baby.

Sorry edit - with the feeding tube I said slip it into the bottom of the babies mouth - I meant the side of the mouth - as they are latched. A breastfeeding expert will be able to show you this in person!

My partner (same sex) had a baby a few weeks ago. I bfed all my older ones. Everything was against the new baby bfding, tongue tie, nicu stay, mum lost blood and then was ill, then jaundice, lack of weight gain and top ups of formula as she still wasn’t producing milk. Once the jaundice was clear and the baby gained weight after 6 weeks, the next steps would have been a couple of weeks triple feeding to get her supply established.

We got a perfect prep machine and formula fed. Baby has thrived, mum is fine.

Ok sorry in advance - I have a long one but I hope the tips and ideas I’m going to share are going to change every thing for you just as they did for me - and I vowed to share them with anyone who struggled as I did and you are now. These tips have helped friends and friends of friends so I hope they help you and anyone else reading this post - but of course this is just my lived experience of what worked for me.

Reading your post I felt like it could have been me 3 and a half years ago. I went on to breastfeed for 19 months!

But at first I just couldn’t breastfeed and I tried and tried. I had experts come over and talked to heath visitors - nothing worked (and I was actually given conflicting information which lead to it really not having a chance to get established) - until I read up on how breastfeeding actually works.

I had been told to top up feed, and do ‘best of both’ but the truth is the more you top up with formula at the beginning, the harder it is to establish your own production because your body needs to experience those feeds from your baby which acts to put in the ‘order’ to your body about how much milk is needed. If baby has one feed with formula, your body doesn’t get that order and so a few days later, doesn’t produce that feed of milk. You get stuck in a downward spiral towards lower and lower production so you need more and more top ups. This isn’t a problem when your milk is established and you get months down the line towards eating solid foods, but for now at 7 weeks, my experience was ‘topping up’ will eventually lead to having to give up on breastfeeding.

The question I think you should ask yourself now, with compassion is: do you want to give up? Or do you want to breastfeed?

Breastfeeding is one of the HARDEST parts of being a mum (and being a mum is effing HARDWORK) and I guarantee no man could do it. It’s exhausting, it hurts and it doesn’t work automatically. I get it. If it’s getting in the way of you being a happy healthy mum, there is no shame at all in switching to formula only or just seeing how long you get on doing both for whilst taking that pressure off and see every day you continue breastfeeding as a bonus, rather than something you have to fix. Fed is best and your happiness and wellbeing is allowed to be a priority!!!

BUT. If you want to make it work - and you are determined and happy to put in some work, then it’s my experience that you absolutely can exclusively breastfeed, even if you are struggling now. All you need to do is trust in your body and biology, and work with the science of it. Here’s what I did incase it helps. At 6 weeks I decided that I wanted more than anything to exclusively breastfeed. I realised I was trapped in the downward spiral of top ups, so I decided to stop the top ups even though I was REALLY struggling. I did this by:

• having a ‘baby moon’ - laid in bed for two days with both me and baby in our pants/nappy doing skin on skin and feeding non stop. I recruited my mum and husband to stop their lives and wait on us hand and foot bringing tea and food in bed. I saw these two days as an investment of time and work - it was my sole job to breastfeed - skin on skin to boost oxytocin, and feeding on demand to give my body those orders for milk. Then, by day three my milk supply SIGNIFICANTLY improved and my body started to deliver those orders that my baby had put in during our days in bed. I look back on those days with fondness now - my only job was to breastfeed- the house could be messy - the rest of the family fended for each other and themselves and I just read and binged box sets while my baby fed and slept.
• I used every contraption under the sun - nipple guards, balm, Hakka - it’s not fun but it’s not forever and when your milk is established all the nipple drama eases off!
• I did not pump. Don’t even put that pressure on yourself right now. Just get your milk established to the level your baby needs rather than additional pressures.
• be a relentless latch teacher! If it’s not good, unlatch and start again. Your nippled and your baby deserve a good latch - stay consistent! (I defo let mine slip but with some persistence it got better!)
• dont be fooled that this should be easy. Nature isn’t always natural and easy. Sometimes nature is hard work, just watch a David attending documentary! As your baby grows you’ll have other days where they might seem as if they aren’t satisfied and they will cluster feed and you’ll think god I don’t have enough milk but that’s nature working - baby needs more milk, they up their feeds and put in the milk orders by signalling through these feeds to your body and your body responds 2-3 days later and delivers the feeds.

• AND here’s a key trick if you just can’t fathom giving up the formula which is where I was weeks 2-6 before I went cold turkey - put your formula into an open bottle and get a feeding tube that is used for premature babies - you can get them on Amazon. Start to feed by your Boob And then slip the feeding tube into the bottom of their mouth keeping the bottle of formula upright but above the baby’s mouth level. As they suck in your nipple the formula will be sucked into their mouths so they will get the feed but your body will still be getting that all important order of milk and will respond a few days later - doing this means you avert the upset of feeling your baby is upset and hungry whilst still working towards establishing your milk and not getting involved in that downward spiral. The two day flood of skin on skin is super important too!

if this sounds too much don’t despair! Maybe the question above has been answered for you - you get to decide what is best for you and your baby! There is no pressure to do any of this. But if like me it was something you wanted to crack, then give it a go! Good luck OP!!! You’ve got this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’d try to see an experienced tongue tie practitioner. And there are some very experienced midwife practitioners.

Some tongue ties can appear extreme but in fact they don’t affect feeding while some apparently mild ties impact it hugely.

An experienced practitioner will observe a feed and offer you a procedure (or not) only after this observation and supporting your positioning. Sometimes it’s a subtle but important change in positioning that can make all the difference. But a tongue tie release, when indicated, can change the whole process of breastfeeding in moments.

I really hope you get the right support soon.

If you want to give the baby breast milk don’t stop feeding them directly yet. It’s sooo much easier than pumping if you can establish it,

I would definitely try and get another opinion on the tongue tie. Midwives and HVs can get very limited training on this. It’s worth getting a bit of help here and see if you can figure it out. You’re fairly good situation to sort oy with a bit of help because you have a good supply and the baby is latching with the shields.

You have done amazingly well to get this far. You're not letting your baby down at all.

Like another poster, we used nipple shields the whole time I breastfed my eldest. So 22 months in total. It meant I was breastfeeding and I really wish I had accepted the shields much earlier and not spent so long worrying about trying to get rid of them.

In terms of the pumping you will need to reduce slowly or risk engorgement. So either reducing length of time or frequency or both. Someone like La Leche League or National Breastfeeding Helpline would be able to advise if you called them.

I would also make sure the tongue tie has been assessed by someone qualified to do so. They will feel in baby's mouth and score them on appearance and function. If the score is above a certain number they will automatically offer a snip. If between certain numbers they will only offer if you're having feeding difficulties. I personally would have it done if it shows there is a tongue tie as I think lots of people don't realise the impact they can have on speech development, face shape, oral hygiene etc down the line.

Do you have very large boobs? I was the same until about 6 weeks when I discovered the Rugby ball hold. Game changer!

I’ve done triple feeding before and it feels like a full time job.
At week 10 I accepted that I had an extremely low supply of milk and it would never increase so I stopped nursing him. Then I eventually stopped pumping as well.

Considering that you have good enough supply, I would simply pump and stop nursing him. That way your baby will still be getting breast milk.

Please be kind to yourself - you've done a brilliant job to get this far. Breastfeeding is really tricky and not enough specialist support is given to mums who wants to breastfeed. If you can afford it, a qualified lactation consultant will probably make such a difference. I breastfed both of mine and struggled so much with the first one and the lactation consultant I found at 8 weeks in helped so much and I breastfed to 16 months. Second DD has been straightforward. It goes without saying that there are lots of benefits to breastfeeding, so continue if you want to - but there is also NO problem with formula (and lots of benefits to it as well, e.g., more freedom for you) so do whatever is right for you, as well as your baby. It

They always say mild tongue tie. Getting it snipped makes a huge difference. It was like night and day each time for us.

I don’t think you can just stop expressing, id maybe express one less time a day, and replace that with a direct feed. Then you can build up.
My baby was gaining weight like crazy (so definitely getting enough) my boobs were often quite hard until about 3-4 months in. So I don’t know if this necessarily means no transfer.
can you start with a bit of a pump, then switch to direct feed so that the milk is already flowing when baby latches. If they’re restless have you tried different positions, checking for gas etc. is there milk in the shield when they’re done (like is it coming out) and are the bottles you’re using slow release ones or fast. I was told they have to work harder with a Shield so baby might be fussing because it’s harder work.
I liked the mam shields, I don’t know whether it would be worth a try of different ones.
youll eventually be able to wean off the shields but it can take a while, I wouldn’t worry about that yet. Don’t do too much at once.
Is there any breastfeeding support in your area, near me there are clinics and drop in centres, one to ones and peer support groups. HV aren’t always trained in breastfeeding so make sure you’re getting advice from different places too. I triple fed for a while, then direct (with shields) and expressing and now we’re 10 months in, off shields and no more expressing. I struggled at the time to find stories of people who had stopped using the shields and I was told repeatedly that they are the ‘beginning of the end’ of feeding. But it wasn’t the case for us.

All that said, if you’re struggling and you don’t want to do this anymore, you don’t have to. You’ve done amazing so far and your baby just needs to be fed, however that works best for you

You aren't letting him down, you are going above and beyond to try and do what's best for him. But you also need to think of yourself. And if all you are doing is feeding, expressing or worrying about feeding, you aren't going to do your physical or mental well being any good. So by all means persevere for a while if that's what you want. But it's OK to stop if that's what you need to do. I know several mums who really tried to breastfeed for way too long when it wasn't working out.

In terms of advice, I would suggest looking up La Leche League or The Breastfeeding Network to get some more specialist advice over the HV.

I don’t want to vote or say give up as someone else might have encouragement or advice to spur you on. But if they don’t, please, please please don’t give yourself a hard time if you do give up.

I was you 16 years ago… I put myself through the mill to try and establish feeding. I made myself miserable in the process. I never really knew why it didn’t work. I gave up at around the 7 week mark and felt huge guilt and regret for a long time.

16 years on and she’s had no ill effects from being formula fed. It turned out OK in the end. I did 2 weeks with her brother and gave up much quicker and was much happier. They were healthy happy children and now are healthy happy teens.

You’ve done so so well to get this far. So whatever you decide give yourself a massive pat on the back and be proud of what a wonderful Mum you are. (And will continue to be regardless of how your baby is fed).

Big hugs

Fed is best. My friend couldn't get the latch no matter emwhat so her daughter was fed expressed breast milk all the way to weaning, a huge achievement. I never got the latch as my son had a malformed tongue from a severe tongue tie so expressed for three weeks til husband went back to work then went to formula. Cried alot of tears that I couldn't breastfeed but my happy healthy boy put that worry to bed and now 19 months later its all a distant memory.

Triple feeding is so hard, I had to do it too and it took most of the day. I know some people exclusively pump and cut out feeding from the breast altogether but I doubt you want to be chained to a pump all day as your baby gets older.

My daughter had a tongue tie procedure at around 7 weeks and while it wasn’t nice to go through it was over in seconds and I do think it made a difference to her latch.

If the shields are working for you and your baby i thriving, I'm not exactly sure why you'd want to stop using them?

Expressing after breastfeeding increases your supply significantly. It sounds to me like you have an overproduction and over-supply. That's not a serious problem - merely annoying and can be solved by slowly weaning off the expressing. It usually resolves itself around 12 weeks postpartum, when your milk supply is a little better adjusted. In the meantime it sounds to me like you're way over thinking this - using shields, giving your baby an expressed top-up by bottle and solving your slight over-production by taking the edge of with a pump is just fine. You're doing great. I did the same at 7 weeks, and by 12 weeks it wasn't necessary any more (but the ability to still express made it possible for me to leave my baby with his dad for a few hours, which was an added bonus).

It sounds to me like your baby may not be 100% efficient, but his needs are met. You're not letting anybody down - in fact you're fighting the good fight and succeeding. But it's tough on yourself right now, and you do have a choice. You can choose to stop if your feel like you just can't do it and it's detriment to your own mental health and your bonding with your baby. Those are more important - after all, bottle fed babies do just fine, too. You're his mum - only you know what's best for the both of you.

Sounds similarish to my older DC. I gave up and formula fed and everyone was much happier! Breastfed DC2 with no problems. Think DC1 just didn't get it.