AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

Just no.

Wonder if the problems at home are in fact him with that behaviour.

he’s not allowed here cos of his past behaviour. Him and DS been on/off for about a year and I don’t like him. He smokes weed (maybe other drugs too), smashed DS’s phone, turned up here blind drunk and woke the whole house up arguing with DS when DS told him to be quiet, and even moaned about my cooking like he’s in a restaurant!! I’ve got younger DC here too and I’m a single mum, don’t need this stress.

My god, he sounds like a horror show!

I'm a single mum too and there's NO WAY I would have someone like that crossing my threshold.

Stay strong OP. This is the time to show your kids proper boundaries.

Nope. The drug taking, the violence and the lack of respect for the household is enough reasons to say no. He either patches things up with his family or convalesces in halls.

I think this is a ruse to get bf under your roof, stick to your guns (and very legitimate reasons for not wanting him in your home due to poor behaviour). An appendicectomy is not a complex surgery, recovery for a fit young 18 year old is quick and he doesn't need to be waited on for a week. I had mine out and I was back at work after a weekend of rest. He can rest in his dorm and if your son is that worried he can run him some food over or bf can get himself on JustEat.

Don’t let the two issues become one- stick firm to not have this lad staying in your home (ever) due to his bad past behaviour (yes, he is young, but well old enough to know how to behave). And the toxicity of the relationship is something to be supportive about as a separate thing. Otherwise it could get messy and your DS driven to do more for this boy rather than less.

Stay firm on your "no". Remind your DS that there are younger siblings and the house is not a restful convalescent home anyway, and the answer is still no.

But i would also be trying to find advice for him about the toxic relationship he is in and how to get out of it.

This is why it pays to be a decent human being, so you have goodwill in the bank for times like this

Brilliantly put, @Dweetfidilove.

I would argue you're doing him a favour by teaching him the direct consequences of his past cuntish behaviour towards you.

Awww bless him, I actually think at 18 he’s still young and I’d feel a bit of compassion. By all means set boundaries and expectations, but perhaps showing him this kindness could help make him also behave a little nicer and see the error of his ways as I’m assuming they’re on rather than off right now and perhaps he’s not been modelled the right ways to behave in life. And I hate the thought of someone being unwell and having no one.

The op is under no obligation to be kind to an abusive non related male. I wouldn’t be doing anything to support this relationship.

I'm sure he'll be happy to receive your invitation

Absolutely not!

This is why it pays to be a decent human being, so you have goodwill in the bank for times like this.

If nothing else, you cannot entertain a violent, rude, drug taker around your children. And don't let your son guilt you into it.
Hr stays in halls (is this permitted), or goes home to his family.

Your DS is being treated appallingly by his BF. I’d not be encouraging such a dysfunctional relationship in any circumstances I’m afraid.

Allowing him to stay there is enabling this toxic joke of a relationship’. He’s 18, still a child barely an adult. You have young kids too, not your problem.

Maybe you’d like to host him instead of OP, and he can get pissed and complain about your cooking for a change?? 🙄🙄

Sure, he’s still young, but he has behaved badly on several occasions. Op is quite within her rights to say no way; don’t try to guilt-trip her into having him!

I wouldn’t even make any meals for him. He’s got a DP who is 22 and only works PT. Let your DS cook for him of that’s what he needs.

DS must understand why you would say no?

Not only are you NBU, you would BU to allow him to stay.

What if he has a medical crisis of some sort? Or doesn't recover quickly? Or takes something and has an episode? OR even worse, leaves an illegal substance lying around for your younger children to have access to?

You're risking social services involvement allowing a user and a loser like that in your home.

No, you can't stop your son seeing him. But you absolutely shouldn't allow him to stay over at any point again. He's shown you who he is. There is a reason the bloke has no friends! Don't risk your younger children for a selfish arse that you're not even related to!

after complaining about OPs cooking?
not bloody likely

has he tried a pillow over his head to shut out the noise?

Dont feel guilty. Why would you prioritise his desired comfort over your family's needs? He has a place to recover at Uni Halls, or at his own family home.

Do not be swayed. YADNBU

Noise cancelling headphones for the halls, and if you feeling generous you could make up some dishes for reheating. They'll be fine there, and bf will be back in action in no time at all at that age.

It’s not hard to see what the “family issues” are!

The boyfriend is abusive and I’d be doing nothing to facilitate this relationship. He can stay in halls or he can go to his parents. It will give them an opportunity to sort out the issues.

How long would he be expecting to stay?

YANBU you’ve got younger DC to think of you don’t want them exposed to this behaviour as it’ll normalise it for them. If you can support in another way, then fine, but not for him to stay. Can your DS stay with him as much as possible in halls around his work? Your DS is an adult it’s his issue to sort.