AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

State your reasons again for DS.
They are all valid and reasonable.

Remind DS that you are respecting the space of your children and respecting the clear boundaries you have in relation to acceptable behaviour.

Do not budge; however do accept DS baking in the family kitchen a couple of meals for his bf.

At most, send bf a get well card and flowers from your garden, Panadol and a set of earplugs.

YANBU. Your son is right that he shouldn't be in halls for his recovery, but he needs to navigate that with his family. Your boyfriend's mum's house - that you've been banned from -is not a suitable place in which to recover from surgery.

He doesn't want his BF to be alone on his dorm then he can go stay there or arrange for people to check in on the bf. He also has a family. You are not that. Your son doesn't pay the bills and can't dictate who you won't have in your home. He's also putting his abusive BF ahead of your children. There are young kids there and you can't trust the bf not to act out. You know he's going to run you ragged, don't you and then not leave.

BF's own shittiness got him in this position. He fucked around and now he's finding out.

When I was at uni (30 years ago) there was an accommodation block for sick students, I’m assuming they don’t have things like that anymore?

This.

When I ‘moved out’ (officially, after uni) it was in to a shared house. That’s what everyone did. That’s what several of my younger colleagues are doing now.

YANBU given what a shitty person he is. If he was a perfectly neutral basically ok 18yo who knows how to behave with respect and decency I woukd say YABU but he's made his bed.

This is the 2nd thread about an entitled 22 year old this evening. Tell him to move out if he wants a place where his BF can come and go as he pleases and he wants to play at being a caring boyfriend. Your house, your rules.

YANBU. He has parents, whatever the issues are it’s not your issue

If he doesn’t want him alone at uni halls, he can sleep on the floor and look after him surely?

Lol. No

YANBU. The hospital won’t discharge him until he’s well enough to cope, and if your DS cares that much, he can go and stay with him in halls. The fact he has family problems isn’t your issue to solve.

I’m sure the uni has a policy to deal with this anyway, eg for international students who are recovering and have no family in the U.K.

YANBU.

The answer is no.

No.

And yet again, no.

He doesn't come to your house, and your son learns your no means no.

Two important birds, one stone. Stay strong OP.

Okay so it looks like I’m the only one either compassion here… but an emergency ruptured appendix is a lot worse than a routine appendectomy FWIW to the pp who said she was fine after her surgery.

Also, the OP only says she thinks he take drugs other than weed. “Maybe other drugs too”..: and when he was loud, he was drunk… which again isn’t great but equally as a 17/18 year old isn’t exactly the crime of the century or abusive ffs. People are clearly either parents of young kids who haven’t parented teens, or older than that who’ve forgotten the teen years!

OP mentions that he and her son are socially awkward so perhaps he should really be given the chance to show he can behave well, rather than being judged on the basis of behaviour when drunk… he’s only 18 FFS

Ive done a good enough job that I trust my own kid has been raised well enough to make good relationship choices- and that has meant finding the good side of their partners even when I haven’t felt like they’re the right one for them or when their behaviours have been less than ideal. Especially when young. As we all know teenagers are developing until their twenties… I would offer the boyfriend a place to stay and show him compassion, and expect respect in return.

I thought from the title that you were perhaps being unreasonable, but based on the way he's behaved in your home, and the way he's treated your son, YANBU.

As others have said, if your son wants to look after him, they can get an Airbandb for the week, or stay with him in halls - moving him in with you is not on. Your son needs to stop nagging you about it, and it might make him realise he needs a full-time job so he can live in his own place.

No he's not your child so don't feel guily tripped into saying yes

Bet you a tenner OP as soon as he steps foot into your home there is an "emergency" with his accommodation, he's chucked out of halls and you will get the second act of this farce, "you can't make him homeless boo hoo".

Your DS can rent an air b&b and play nursemaid if he wants, keep saying no.

Tell DS that the answer is no to stop going on about it because you will not be changing your mind.

in my experience, the teens have no difficulty having partners stay in the halls, so DS can go and stay there if he wants to.

But you are not putting yourself and your younger DC at risk having him stay in your home. End of. You can't take those risks to stop DS getting a face on.

Absolutely not unreasonable. Unfortunately for your son’s boyfriend actions have consequences and people have boundaries, which he crossed. You can explain that to your son and highlight that your younger children are your priority. If he keeps asking just don’t engage in the conversation and walk away.

DS and boyfriend can rent a studio for a week on Airbnb if they really want to be together. Please stay firm on this. Of course your DS is going to plead. Boundaries.

That’s hard but you’re a) not doing DS any favours encouraging a toxic relationship b) doing a good thing exposing younger ones to that in your home and c) you don’t need a third reason because it’s your house and you said no. End of.

Isn’t it nearly Easter hols anyway?

Stay firm on your refusal to allow him at your house.

Surely the hospital will not discharge him without some care plan in place? His University Student Medical Unit will be able to offer advice and support, so should be his first port of call for help.

Id say no but offer to make some food that ds can take to bf (as a compromise/sweetener?)

YANBU

Should definitely be a hard NO