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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

183 replies

Atmywitsend30 · 24/03/2025 20:34

DS (22) only works part time and his bf (18) at uni just had emergency surgery for ruptured appendix. Now DS wants him to stay here while he recovers cos he says his uni halls are too noisy and he can’t go to his family cos of “family issues” (not my problem tbh). But I already said he’s not allowed here cos of his past behaviour. Him and DS been on/off for about a year and I don’t like him. He smokes weed (maybe other drugs too), smashed DS’s phone, turned up here blind drunk and woke the whole house up arguing with DS when DS told him to be quiet, and even moaned about my cooking like he’s in a restaurant!! I’ve got younger DC here too and I’m a single mum, don’t need this stress.

DS is saying it’s not like he’s going out partying but I just don’t trust him. AIBU to say no??

OP posts:
SwornToSilence · 24/03/2025 23:15

Under no circumstances give in to DS's demands.

No is all you need repeatedly.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 24/03/2025 23:14

Atmywitsend30 · 24/03/2025 22:44

I’ve told DS the uni should be able to help him, but he’s not having any of it. He says if I let him stay, it’ll show I care and that I’m being supportive. It’s not just DS though, I’ve got my younger DC to think about too but he’s not listening. DS also said if he stays with him in the uni halls, he’ll be alone when he’s working and he doesn’t think that’s right in case bf needs something or something happens. DS worries about things like this when others are ill. He’s now gone out in a huff, don’t know what to do anymore as I don’t want to lose him but he’s being so stubborn!

You won't lose him unless he decides to use this manipulation technique any time you say "no" to him. Since he is manipulating you now, I assume he does it every single time you say "no". That's a great way for him to never have to grow up and stand on two feet. 🙄
Have you posted about your DS and this bf before?

MyrtleLion · 24/03/2025 23:13

I think your DS should break up with him if he's making excuses all the time. The hospital will have a next of kin, so call them and they can take care of him, or the university can support him.

AdaColeman · 24/03/2025 23:12

Your son is trying to bully and manipulate you into doing what he wants. Don't give in to his pressure.
You have no need at all to be caring or supportive to the BF, he has his own family for that.

If you allowed the BF to stay in your home he would be there for several weeks, especially as the Easter holidays are not far off, with plenty of opportunity for his disruptive behaviour.
You have to put the welfare of your own children first, and your son should be thinking of what is best for his siblings also.

It sounds as though he has still got a lot of growing up to do.

ChaToilLeam · 24/03/2025 23:12

Tell him again NO WAY. If he is concerned about his BF then he can look after him in the halls. If he hadn’t been an arse previously it might have been a different story but he has to learn the hard way, people won’t want you around if you act like a twat and abuse their hospitality.

TheSilentSister · 24/03/2025 23:12

OP, don't you get it, if you don't stop/stamp this out right now your DS is going to be in an abusive relationship for the rest of his life, if not right now, but the path has been set.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 24/03/2025 23:09

Atmywitsend30 · 24/03/2025 21:44

DS just won’t take no for an answer, he keeps saying he don’t want bf to be alone in his uni halls and how would I feel if it was me in that position with no one after surgery. Keeps going on about how his parents ain’t bothered either. I do feel bad but it’s not my problem, I’ve got my own kids to think about!! Don’t want to push DS away tho.

Explain to your DS that you would never, ever be in that position, as you don't treat others with such disrespect, use drugs, smash phone or go on raging drunk bitch fests.

Your DS is not taking "No" for an answer because you give in to him too much, I bet. Your DS is 22! His bf will be given pain killers and you don't need that and his other behaviors in your house. Your DS can say, "It'll be different this time", until the cows come home. It won't be.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Original poster
Atmywitsend30 · 24/03/2025 23:08

DS seems to have an excuse for all of bfs behaviour. The phone – he knocked it out of DS’s hand but apologised straight away and paid for it to be repaired. Insulting my cooking – he didn’t like the meal anyway so he wasn’t insulting my cooking, etc. He didn’t have an excuse for the weed cos he don’t like it either but he said he hasn’t done it for a while and wouldn’t in front of the DC but he did come here smelling of weed. I don’t think he smoked it that day but it was on his clothes. DS does get anxious about other people’s health, always asking how you feel if you say you’re unwell, he’s always been like that. I get that he cares, especially after he saw his bf so ill, and he mentioned the what if he wasn’t there but he was and bf should be fine.

OP posts:
YourWinter · 24/03/2025 23:07

Absolutely stick to your guns OP and don’t let the boyfriend stay at all, even just his first night out of hospital. He’s not a good person, you don’t need to prove you “care” about him. Your son can make his choices, your younger children take priority and these young adult men can’t expect you to facilitate accommodation with or without board and assistance if any kind. What a cheeky pair.

gamerchick · 24/03/2025 23:06

fourelementary · 24/03/2025 22:03

Okay so it looks like I’m the only one either compassion here… but an emergency ruptured appendix is a lot worse than a routine appendectomy FWIW to the pp who said she was fine after her surgery.

Also, the OP only says she thinks he take drugs other than weed. “Maybe other drugs too”..: and when he was loud, he was drunk… which again isn’t great but equally as a 17/18 year old isn’t exactly the crime of the century or abusive ffs. People are clearly either parents of young kids who haven’t parented teens, or older than that who’ve forgotten the teen years!

OP mentions that he and her son are socially awkward so perhaps he should really be given the chance to show he can behave well, rather than being judged on the basis of behaviour when drunk… he’s only 18 FFS

Ive done a good enough job that I trust my own kid has been raised well enough to make good relationship choices- and that has meant finding the good side of their partners even when I haven’t felt like they’re the right one for them or when their behaviours have been less than ideal. Especially when young. As we all know teenagers are developing until their twenties… I would offer the boyfriend a place to stay and show him compassion, and expect respect in return.

Excellent news that OP..this poster is offering to take them in. Let your bairn know.

pizzaHeart · 24/03/2025 23:05

Atmywitsend30 · 24/03/2025 22:44

I’ve told DS the uni should be able to help him, but he’s not having any of it. He says if I let him stay, it’ll show I care and that I’m being supportive. It’s not just DS though, I’ve got my younger DC to think about too but he’s not listening. DS also said if he stays with him in the uni halls, he’ll be alone when he’s working and he doesn’t think that’s right in case bf needs something or something happens. DS worries about things like this when others are ill. He’s now gone out in a huff, don’t know what to do anymore as I don’t want to lose him but he’s being so stubborn!

The problem with this attitude is that your DS will hold you responsible and will expect care from you whatever he is saying now. He would expect you to provide loving home for recovery but it’s not your job . BF has his own family. It’s not that you don’t care but you don’t want to provide care, it’s too much for you and you don’t want responsibility.

AnxietyJane · 24/03/2025 23:01

Absolutely no!

Amybelle88 · 24/03/2025 23:01

I’d 100% say yes if he hadn’t caused all that drama in the past. Absolutely not. He’s young and we all act like idiots at that age, but he’s disrespected you and your home, and you have younger kids. Your son could always look after him in his halls, they can get earplugs.

SinnerBoy · 24/03/2025 23:01

fourelementary · Today 20:41

Awww bless him...

I thought you were being ironic..

No, fuck him, not bless him. He's a spoilt, abusive, aggressive drunk. His own family can take care of him. He sounds really nasty and just because he's young and sick, it does mean that the OP has to step in.

He can rest up in halls, after they discharge him.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 24/03/2025 22:59

Tough shit, it's a hard no!!

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 24/03/2025 22:58

YANBU. You know exactly what it would be like. He would whine, cause incessant annoyance and frankly probably overstay his welcome.

Your DS needs to understand that your house is not a convalescent home.

Floppyelf · 24/03/2025 22:58

Letmecallyouback · 24/03/2025 20:38

If you hadn't said about all that background stuff I might have said perhaps it's not a terrible idea but no, not after what you've said about his previous behaviour.

This!

Tdcp · 24/03/2025 22:57

If ds is that bothered about him being alone why can't he stay in the uni halls with him?

Avatartar · 24/03/2025 22:54

No way, leopards do not change their spots even if they are poorly!
Buy him a get well card and a multipack of ear plugs
There is a vast difference between Good Samaritan and mug
Do not reward being treated like s- - - t
Tell DS to speak to student welfare for ideas

BunnyRuddington · 24/03/2025 22:52

Atmywitsend30 · 24/03/2025 22:44

I’ve told DS the uni should be able to help him, but he’s not having any of it. He says if I let him stay, it’ll show I care and that I’m being supportive. It’s not just DS though, I’ve got my younger DC to think about too but he’s not listening. DS also said if he stays with him in the uni halls, he’ll be alone when he’s working and he doesn’t think that’s right in case bf needs something or something happens. DS worries about things like this when others are ill. He’s now gone out in a huff, don’t know what to do anymore as I don’t want to lose him but he’s being so stubborn!

Why do you need to show that you’re supportive and care for someone that clearly doesn’t care for any of you?

Perhaps explain to DS that you wouldn’t be in that situation hopefully as you treat people either respect and have family and friends that you can rely on.

i know it’s difficult though. The BF can easily use situations, anything really, to try and turn DS away from you. Have a read up on how to help someone who is experiencing DA but ultimately you need to be there for your younger DC Flowers

Ruffpuff · 24/03/2025 22:49

Your DS aged 22 is behaving like a selfish child. At his age he seriously doesn’t understand why you wouldn’t want his drug taking, volatile boyfriend to stay over near your younger dc? You need him to grow up and move out!

FOJN · 24/03/2025 22:48

So your son wants you to be his boyfriends back up carer whilst he goes to work?

You owe this young man nothing. He's shown you no respect so you should not feel a duty to show you care.

Stand your ground, carry on saying no and let your son sulk if that's what he chooses to do.

You would be mad to agree to letting him stay.

fashionqueen0123 · 24/03/2025 22:48

Atmywitsend30 · 24/03/2025 22:44

I’ve told DS the uni should be able to help him, but he’s not having any of it. He says if I let him stay, it’ll show I care and that I’m being supportive. It’s not just DS though, I’ve got my younger DC to think about too but he’s not listening. DS also said if he stays with him in the uni halls, he’ll be alone when he’s working and he doesn’t think that’s right in case bf needs something or something happens. DS worries about things like this when others are ill. He’s now gone out in a huff, don’t know what to do anymore as I don’t want to lose him but he’s being so stubborn!

Sorry but he needs to get a grip.
His family can check on his BF. He’s having an appendix out he’s not got a new organ ffs! He’ll probably be fine after a day or two!

TheSilentSister · 24/03/2025 22:48

Don't be manipulated. Stand firm. Tell b/f to FO.

FOJN · 24/03/2025 22:45

No, he's previously behaved in a totally unacceptable way in your home.

You have younger children to consider, don't be guilt tripped into making their home feel unsafe.

He can buy some ear plugs and your son can go and look after him.