AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

Absolutely not. If you didn’t have younger children then perhaps a discussion could be had. But you do and this is not a suitable person to have around them.

Your update about the reason for DS staying in halls not working is that noone to look after BF when he’s at work is telling. He volunteering you for that role. This is not your responsibility.

Offer to get him a decent blow up mattress to stay in halls. If round the clock care is needed he may need to take some annual leave or make contact with someone in BF family, not assume you will do it.

Grey rock, no on repeat. You need to prioritise the needs of your younger kids over the personal desires of a poorly behaved person who you have very good reason not to trust.

OP - DS is doing a lot of explaining this boys behaviour. What’s the story with his own parents?

I can't edit, but I'm an idiot as this was clearly suggested on the first page. That'll teach me not to read the whole thread.

Sorry I haven't read the full thread so not sure if it's been suggested (have read all the OP's posts though)...

Could a possible solution be for them to get an Airbnb or something for a few weeks? I can see why you wouldn't want him in your house, but I can also see your son's side that he's going to need some support after major surgery

Nope. I was sorry for him as he’s an 18 year old whose example of awful behaviour was a drunken disruption which - whilst annoying- is hardly indicative of abusive behaviour aged 17!! Even the son is saying the phone being smashed was a mistake- and maybe when things have been dramatic between them son (who sounds very young for 21/22) has exaggerated to affect. I just think so many mums replying without compassion for a young lad is surprising and a bit of a shock tbh. When my eldest was young we had at least two of his friends stay with us for extended periods when things went hairy at home for them. One even had his birthday here as his mum had a new BF and wasn’t interested in parenting. He didn’t get his clothes washed and smelt bad… he stayed here for a few months before moving in with his dad. Some people don’t have good role models growing up and I just feel some compassion instead of judgement for a 18 year old is due.
On another thread where a 17 year old has gone for one night and feels unwell away from home, numerous people are agreeing that fetching her home is the right thing to do. But this young lad had emergency surgery and his family haven’t come for him… yet it’s fine to just say some Halls of residence representative can take care of him? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Given the circumstances and background I don’t think it’s suitable for him so stay with you. I think under different circumstances with a better history, it would be a nice thing to do, and a great way to support a young person. But I think it’s best if he returns to uni halls or family (if possible) to recover. If possible maybe facilitate you son to visit him more or send home basic food/supplies so he doesn’t need to go to the shops. I think that’s as far as my kindness would go with this.

No chance. He’s blown it with you!

I think the bf is very manipulative and arrogant and I certainly wouldn't want him around if he wasn't well!

I think the bf is very manipulative and arrogant and I certainly wouldn't want him around if he wasn't well!

Nope. Just because he had a surgery doesn't mean he can use you for a convalescent facility.

The hospital might not discharge him until he can show there's someone there to look after him. I would expect uni to make sure he goes home to his parents TBH

Universities do have responsibilities to their students, but not to this extent. This young man is 18 and a legal adult. He is expected to organise his own after care, and if the hospital were contacting anyone it would be his next of kin - they are the ones who would be asked to take responsibility for him. His boyfriend's mother is way down the list, and he should be looking at his own behaviour to understand why there isn't a queue of people offering to look after him in recovery.

So, your son thinks YOU are going to look after this boy while he is at work?

Otherwise, he'd be fine with staying with him at Uni.

You need to keep on saying no.

When your DS has his own home he can choose who lives there or visits. As an adult, if he's contributing to household costs, he can have some input. But he doesn't overrule you and you have a duty to your younger DC. If his bf realises that he has no friends and few options of places to go he might think about being nicer to people.

Don't get into a debate on what he has or hasn't done.

He is properly ill and will need to be properly looked after, which you are not in any position to do (I assume!) and neither is your son. Emergency surgery can leave you feeling steamrollered. The hospital might not discharge him until he can show there's someone there to look after him. I would expect uni to make sure he goes home to his parents TBH. I don't know what the protocol is for those who can't but I'm fairly sure it doesn't all hinge on his boyfriend's mum taking up the slack.

Your son is being unreasonable and rather entitled, and that's likely in the knowledge that you're terrified of losing him.

He's badgering you into taking caring for his boyfriend at the expense of his siblings. That also makes him rather selfish and self-centered. Why doesn't he go and badgering his father, I wonder? It always seems to be mothers who bear the brunt of all this foolishness.
Tell him to catch a grip, because you're not discussing it further.

My parents entertained no entitled bs from me or my siblings, and this is not even a negotiation we would dream of bringing to them. We had boundaries, and all of us,the oldest of whom is 51; have a good relationship with our parents.

You shouldn't be tolerating dysfunction and manipulation to maintain a relationship with your son. It's unfair to you and more so to your other children. It's your job to protect them from his volatile partner/relationship.

He isn’t the OP’s responsibility.

It’s not the OP’s responsibility to help him “see the error of his ways”. Ffs why is it always a woman’s responsibility for the behaviour of a man?

His family probably don’t want home because of his behaviour and attitude.

@Atmywitsend30 He’s 18. If your DS wants to help him so much with recovery then your DS should stay with him in his uni accommodation or book a week in a hotel.

He brought drama because he was a 17 year old in a relationship with an adult. Does your DS recognise the age difference? I'm of the opinion that people of the boyfriends ahe shouldn't be in serious relationships. Perhaps this period of separation will do them good. I'd steer my adult child away from sex with under 18's, going forward.

The relationship does sound familiar doesn’t it?

There will be a hall warden or whatever they call that role there, 24/7, if he needs anything. They are trained to deal with these types of things and also have access to a bunch of useful contacts to help. Which is more than he would get at home with you.

It sounds like he's just trying to manipulate you.

Keep saying "No".

If the bf was decent then others in his halls, the bf's friends and even your DS's friends would take turns to look after him when your DS was at work.

The fact that no-one else is willing to speaks volumes...

FFS! He HAS his own family! Let him work out his issues with them while he recovers.
The OP has young children to care about and want to protect. Her DS is being self-centered and manipulative.

Or, feel free to host him yourself.