AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

You do know what to do. You need to think of your other children. You won't lose your son, but he's 22, he can stand on his own feet if he chooses to walk away - he won't.

I think him staying to convalesce might be a slippery slope as well- if he thinks he doesn’t need his family to pay his uni accommodation the next problem might be ‘oh he’s going to be homeless, let him live with us’ you don’t want this addition to the household even temporarily.

I’d start leaving the room every time he brings it up. Don’t let him bully you in to submission. If you do it will set a precedent for him getting to rule the roost.

The BF may have fallen out with his parents, but if anybody needs to be caring for him after major surgery, it surely should still be them.

Do they even know he’s in this position of needing care and nursing until he’s back on his feet?

If they really have washed their hands of him, then it’s reasonable that your DS takes a couple of days off work to care for him in his room at Uni until he can get back on his feet.

Tell your DS that if he is still that incapacitated after surgery with nobody to care for him, he should still be in hospital. Or maybe social services needs to be involved. That decision needs input from his own family preferably.
You are right that it simply isn’t your responsibility and it’s best not accept it as such.

Atmywitsend30

Good for you, stand your ground.

Tell your son you have given him your reasons, you are not responsible for his boyfriend and he's not to ask again because the answer will still be no. If he raises it again you can remind him you have already said no. "I said no", repeat as often as necessary.

You say 'No. This is my home. I am the householder and I pay the bills. I make the decisions. And my decision on this is no. He's not coming. You can stay with him or he can go to his family OR to a friend. But he is not coming here.

And if you can't respect this, you need to consider moving out on your own.'

Stay strong @Atmywitsend30

It's ok to acknowledge that that this boy is in a difficult situation without taking personal responsibility for relieving it. You have no obligation to volunteer to nursemaid for him. You have no more connection to him than any of the other thousands of people in the country who would prefer to have more help than they have. There are entirely bed-bound people getting through each day for years with 3 or 4 daily 10 minute visits to deal with basic necessities of hygiene. If you are supposed to have the compassion to turn over your life and home to nursing someone unrelated to you, one of them would be a better recipient of such astounding generosity. (Not recommended tho)

I think you’ve made the right decision in saying no.

i would now be saying if your son mentions it again, a firm definite NO, my final NO and don’t ask again.

He’s trying to wear you down until you give in.

YANBU, Bf sounds horrible.

No compassion to spare for OP or her other kids? Lol.

Stay strong, OP

Stand your ground. Otherwise you will never be rid of this man. Whatever grief you get for saying no will be a fraction of the grief you get trying to kick him out.

This is a very young relationship and I highly suspect that at some point it will cease, but right now it is real and it is your DS's life, a big part of his life.

It will potentially be difficult having this bf to stay, and there would have to be an agreement about certain behaviours, and if he breached this he would have to go. But, I think you should do it. Eyes wide open, knowing it's a massively kind thing to do, and that you will definitely wish he wasn't there and be happier when he's gone.

I would do it with these conditions:

Absolutely no weed to be smoked in or outside, and if you even smell it, he's out, even if he is unwell. You have to be prepared to enforce this one. Not just because of the younger children but also because of the bf's behaviour after smoking it.

If he wants to do that, he has to go out for a walk and you don't want to smell it in the house.

This has to be a non-negotiable.

Then I would say he has to be nice and not cause trouble, and what food does he like, so you can have a chance of that going smoothly.

Many many on here would not do this, but they are young kids, I probably would, just with rules and misgivings, but I'd do it.

Oh, also, timeframe: there MUST be an end date.
I'd say he can stay max. 3 weeks.

Your son is clearly not just looking for a bedroom for his BF to rest in, he is also looking for a stand-in carer (ie you) during his working hours. This is evident from what he said about the boy not coping in uni accommodation whilst he’s at work.
Is the BF completely estranged from his own family? If not, and they just don’t get on well, his own parents (unless they’re terrible) would still probably want him home to recuperate. Do they even know about his ruptured appendix? Did they visit him in hospital?

"he can’t borrow your generosity and pass it off as his own."
Very clearly expressed, @LAMPS1!

I’ve told DS the uni should be able to help him, but he’s not having any of it. He says if I let him stay, it’ll show I care and that I’m being supportive
I would have no problem saying that I'm not supportive or caring of someone who has been a bully and slags me off in my own home!

It would be a hard no from me due to past behaviours.
Rather than fall out with son I'd be saying that I was worried about post surgery recovery and he needs more support than we could offer.
If son still persist I'd tell him his friend hasn't been trust worthy in the past and not having him is a natural consequence of his previous behaviour.

Your son is being stubborn because he’s probably already told his bf that he can stay.
Such is his desperation to keep this relationship, that he is willing to bully you into accepting it. He doesn’t seem to have the maturity to understand that he can’t borrow your generosity and pass it off as his own. It is audacious to invite his bf to stay at your expense, time and discomfort as if he were the home owner paying the bills and mortgage and with his own name on the house deeds. For that alone he needs to learn this lesson that you are not going to be a carer or a charity for his BF.

However he needs to learn the other important lesson also…the one about the unsuitability of this drug and micky taking BF. It’s better he learns it from his own endeavours rather than because of you telling him.

If you do cave in, I would suggest that you do it for a week (or less) only and then he must return to uni halls. Give him the date and make sure they both understand he will be leaving your house on that date, if not before -if either of them take advantage or break the clearly explained house rules.

YANBU at all, to say an outright “NO thank you, that won’t be happening I’m afraid, so stop asking please as I’m not going to change my mind”

Try not to worry about driving your DS away. Given time, he’ll see how much he is asking of you and that he is not being reasonable.
He has a responsibility to you and to his younger siblings not to impose on you all- and presumably if he has to go out to work then so do you, you’re not a nurse and shouldn’t be tied to the bedside of a man you don’t know well or like, and who’s been aggressive towards your son and unpleasant to you. You could point out that your son needs to be more compassionate towards his family!

Let him stay at yours then.

But this is the life lesson.

If he had behaved with decency, he would be getting treated better now, when he needs help.

You can't act like a jerk and then expect people to help you in your hour of need. Life just doesn't work that way.

DS can rent a room in a Travelodge and do the Florence Nightingale bit there if he wants. They both sound like piss takers.

"in case bf needs something or something happens"
So your son is basically telling you that he expects you to be watching over his boyfriend and more, fetching and carrying for him, whilst he is at work? Hell, no!

Although others have said that their recovery from an appendectomy was quick (NHS says 1-2 weeks), what if he has complications? What if he compromises his recovery by drinking, drugs, being a general arsehole? Your son is not 'asking for his boyfriend to stay' - he is asking you to take full responsibility for an irresponsible person that you rightly don't like. He is asking you to put your younger children below this person you don't like in YOUR priorities. Just - no.

If he wants to care for his on-off boyfriend, he can move in to his boyfriend's student room and do so. He cannot insist that you tend to his boyfriend, he cannot ask that his younger siblings be exposed to drug-taking, drama and their mum not prioritising them, and he absolutely cannot ask that you risk this young man not leaving your home through dramatically exaggerating his symptoms.

Consequences. His boyfriend made himself an unpleasant presence before. It's only his appendix that has been removed, not his personality.

Hell no. I would allow the debate either.

’No, he’s not staying here and I’m not discussing this again’

fourelementary · Today 03:58

It's not OP's responsibility to nurse this lad. Her son obviously feels for him and is now changing his story, to try to persuade her. He's absolutely not her responsibility.

Would you have the same attitude I'd her son were her daughter?

Yikes, just NO!!
YANBU!