AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

@BeaAndBen is giving excellent advice so I have nothing to add on that front but I am utterly aghast that your ds showed such distain, actively went against your specific instructions and brought this man into your home.

DS was obviously counting on you being too polite to actually kick him out but if you give an inch on this I fear they'll take several miles so this must be a line in the sand moment OP. Wonder how long before DS starts bringing up the #BeKind shit that is wheeled out to keep women in line.

Men bullying women.
I would no more stand for this from the two of them.
This is line in the sand shit.
Not acceptable.

If he's still there, tell them both you're calling a taxi for 9pm, so he'd better get his things and put his shoes on.

If your DS wants to go to his uni accomodation with him, fair enough. You have to hold firm because they are trampling all over your boundaries and those in place forn your younger children.

Have you told DS that his BF needs to go?

This.

Explain to him that it’s not personal (even though it is!) but you can’t have him to stay. Tell him you told DS this and stress that DS should have made it clear to him. Order him a taxi and pay for it to take him back to halls.

Your DS has deceived you and I’d be furious about that, never mind the presence of his boyfriend.

You've told him you didn't agree to him staying so now you just need to tell him to leave, give him a time to be gone by.

Your son is behaving really badly about this.

Has he gone, @Atmywitsend30 ?

The fact you feel you might lose your son for saying No shows there’s an imbalance of power. I’d give him an hour to get out or I’d call the cops.

I would be furious and I would not hesitate to make him leave. Your son has is betting you won't be bold enough to kick his bf out because he's recovering from surgery. Prove him wrong and make it clear you won't be treated with ruch disrespect.

Prepare what you are going to say. Be assertive, don't be forced to be defensive. If you have to speak to the bf directly tell him you explicitly told your son it would not be possible for him to stay so he will have to leave and wish him well in his recovery.

Good luck.

I’d be livid at the disrespect of your eldest bringing someone you explicitly said you wouldn’t accept into your home. The cheek of him!

I agree, give him 10 minutes to wake up properly and tell him to bugger off. After he's gone, read the Riot Act to your son.

Absolutely don't let this stand as a fait accompli.

You have a son problem, not a sons bf problem.
That he would do that tells me that he has zero respect for you.
Completely unacceptable.
That this lads parents won't take him in after surgery tells me that you don't have the full story.

Taxi back to the hospital and I would be telling your son he needs to find a sofa to stay on until you have a think.

I wouldn't have any son thinking he was the boss of MY house.

Book a taxi to come and collect them both in an hour's time. That's long enough for a daytime nap.

I cannot believe the cheek of your DS refusing to accept your refusal. How disrespectful.

That's a real dick move on your son's part.

They would both be leaving.

Your son thinks he's your boss.

have you asked DS what he expects to happen when he is at work and the BF is at yours? are you to run around with chicken & noodle soup and mop his fevered brow?

Your DS is hugely unreasonable. God, I'd be so angry, and I'm not as kind as you, because i'd have woken him up and told him to leave.

Your son is relying on you to bottle out of telling this boy to his face to get out.

You need to do it, even if you feel uncomfortable because if you let your son abuse you like this once, he will do it again.

Wake the boy up and tell him to get out now.

If his family won’t look after him after surgery, that tells a story doesn’t it.

That would be a no from me. You don’t owe him anythIng and it will send a message to your son.

Absolutely not.
Do not be manipulated.
Your son needs to move out.
You need to protect your younger children.

Red flag that your son will not accept no.
You need to be very firm with him.

Your son has progressed to being unreasonable by not accepting your no. His reasons for wanting his BF in your home don't hold up.

He wants his BF there and you will be the one waiting on him.

His BF is getting the natural consequences of being a giant asshole in your home. He's used drugs, he's caused scenes, and broken stuff and been rude af. You have young kids there and I can say those kind of scenes scare kids. You are protecting your family from the bf. You are being supportive of your children who are your priority.

Your son can go stay with him and wait on him. Your son can rent a hotel room or an air BNB. He can go to his family. He's got a place to go. Your son just wants you to be his BF's caretaker when he's not there. Tough. You have other priorities. He can call in sick if bf needs 24/7 care.

Your son is being kind of an asshole here. BF is rubbing off on him. Shut that down.

Just say no. I do not want a rude, disrespectful, emotionally abusive druggie in my home with my children for any length of time, for any reason. DS needs to respect that it is your home and your decision.

The bf has his own place to go to. Just keep saying no.