AIBU to say no to DS’s bf staying here after surgery?

You did really well holding your boundaries.

You might want to have a talk with your son. Voluntelling you who will be in your home with your kids is not acceptable. Sneaking him in was a big red flag. His disrespectful behaviour in ignoring your no and boundary just made it even less likely his BF will ever be welcomed in your home.

I can see from your update that you've done that; very well done. Your son also needs to realise that if you say no you have your reasons and that his wants don't trump them.

Your son 'wants to help' but with you doing and paying for everything. That's helping on someone else's dime and it sounds as if your son thinks this is a done deal.

I would stand firm and say no. Direct your son to adult care services, the hospital can advise and he can tell his boyfriend. You have young children and from past behaviour it's not a risk worth taking. I would also have concerns about boyfriend leaving again once he's recovered, he may think that he's staying put.

YANBU

Maybe it's being young I don't know, but how the bf could be so brazen is baffling me!

Imagine not being the least bit concerned about you or taking up space in your home and disrupting your routine etc.etc. And not a care about his past behaviour there either. Most people who are stuck would be mortified at having to ask such a favour, but this guy, not a chance.

That's what struck me anyway.

Good luck going forward OP, and you are amazing to stand up for yourself and your younger ones. Your son will not be driven away, he is in the clutches of young love, and TBH seems to have a good heart underneath it all.

Hope things have calmed down a bit now they have all slept on it.

No, under normal circumstances, I would say it would be a kind thing to do to give him a few days break to rest while your ds looks after him. But he hasn’t been respectful of your home in the past and you have a boundary in place. This is one of the benefits of moving out and living independently. You can have whatever twat over that you want.

Your son has to realise that his BF had other sensible choices.

BF had his own parents to turn to for care, nursing, any extra funds he needed, transport, and good sleep….a space to recover.
He also had the benefit of a second study bedroom in his Uni halls of residence with his BF staying with him to care for him and nurse him….a space to recover and study.
He rejected both of those choices in preference for a bed at your house with you nursing him, feeding him, ensuring a quiet space and your son fussing over him and ready to meet his every demand.

As it turns out, BF didn’t need assistance in his recovery at all because with the removal of what you could provide OP, he rejected help from your son.

At nearly 19, BF has to decide exactly what it is that he does want given what is available to him, whether that means finding a bit of humility to make up with his parents (no doubt the hand that feeds him as a student), settling down to concentrate on his studies, finding a job to support himself, or to continue to try to manipulate your son into providing more comfortable, fully paid home comforts, transport, and no doubt money for his extra weed needs.

He has rejected your son now that you have cut off the comfortable home comforts.
Now it’s up to your son whether or not, given that rejection, he continues to offer himself as available to be at BF’s beck and call.

You have done well to illustrate so clearly to them both, the bare bones of their relationship. A lesson they both needed so that they can now decide how to move forward …together or not.
I’m sure you are hoping they both think hard and make wise decisions and start to value themselves and their own families a bit more.

Very glad that's resolved. Keep talking to DS, not about this particular issue but he's clearly got some further learning to do about the boundaries of personal responsibility and the decisions involved when balancing the needs of different people. Human brains don't reach full maturity until at least 25yo - he may be legally an adult but he's not there yet.

How very manipulative of him to put his relationship woes on you.
This is so off.
I think your son is far more manipulative than you realise.
Moving out could be very good for him.

Good on you for holding firm. Ds will get over his sulk. He needs to accept you are in charge, he can’t ignore what you say about what happens in your home.

I would go so far as to say that having your first episode of serious illness as an adult and having to cope is an important rite of passage. I had a ruptured appendix at university and didn't even tell my parents. I didn't even tell the other people in my halls that I had been in hospital.

Young love is very intense. I cringe to think how seriously I took all that when I was late teens/early 20s. If your DS carries on blaming you for ‘being on his own’, calmly point out that his BF is probably annoyed at him for leading him a merry dance by pretending he’d be able to stay with you. That’s your DS’s own fault, not yours. You’d made your answer clear.

I'm a bit 🤨 at him getting ds to ask you on his behalf. If he wants to be an adult then he has to behave like one and ask for himself (and accept when the answer is no) or doesn't he have a tongue in his head, as my nan would say.

You haven’t gone wrong. It’s young love mixed with some drama - despite this on the surface being about recovering from an operation, it was also time for them to spend together and what role they’d each play. Both are disappointed to miss out on that - this isn’t about recovery.

Well done OP, your son was completely wrong to bring his bf to your house and you were completely correct to insist he left.

The boy is 18, so presumably first year at uni and won’t be in halls next academic year - assuming he sticks to his course - he’d better have a back-up plan for the next time he’s ill, and it had better not be you.

Your son should be apologising to you for taking the mickey. Is this his last year at uni?

ETS sorry, I’m guessing your DS has already left university.

Don't doubt yourself.
He cannot use your house to house any user he meets.
You do NOT owe him that.
He needs to accept that.
Don't apologise for this.
This is on him.
You were very clear.

He’s excited and anxious because of the bf and probably heightened everything, and super keen to have bf at his home. So tried everything to make that happen. I can understand it but like you I wouldn’t accept it, and I think he’ll see (or know secretly already) that he was being unreasonable.

DS can dawned well shut up. Sho the abusive boyfriend the door and if he won't go, call the Police. When they arrive, don't give in to their be kind emotional blackmail.

We're with you!

Well done OP. Something about the power dynamic of how you’ve described them both is off but thats for another time.

Ignore the sulking. It should be you who is doing that if anyone.

So the BF doesn't want your DS to stay with him? I hope you point out to DS that BF only wants his company when there's something in it for BF, that is you both waiting on him hand and foot in your home. Your son needs to wake up to himself a bit.

Well done, OP. Perhaps your DS is sulking because he realises he’s made a fool of himself in front of his boyfriend? Also, it sounds like the boyfriend is pissed off at him for being messed around, so no doubt he’s sulking about that too. But the truth is that he’s brought it all on himself.

Just carry on and ignore the sulking and don’t get drawn into any arguments.

Well done OP. Now your son knows that no means no.

Let him sulk if that's what he wants. Maybe he'll learn not to make promises for other people to honour.

Well done OP, I'm appluading you. 🍷for you.

Good woman. Tell your son go and stay elsewhere if he cannot accept that YOU decide who stays in YOUR home👏👏👏