To be sick of people having a go at me for not helping with mothers care ?

Just tell people that your mother was abusive to you as a child and this is why you won't help. It should shut them up, you don't need to give details.

Tell your siblings they need to contact adult social services and cite carer burnout and request an urgent assessment. They will destroy themselves otherwise, with or without you. Stepping back will be their best option, not dragging you down too.

If your siblings want to martyr themselves, it’s up to them.

Random neighbours should be told that it’s none of their concern.

Someone drew my attention to this on reddit recently. Not sure if you can relate. I can!

*Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.*

I don't blame you at all OP.

As several other posters have said caring for a frail parent is difficult, even with the best of relationships. You don't have to hang about on the Elderly parents board for long to see people completely burnt out from high care requirements by a parent who refuses to accept anyone else but family as carers.

So I'll tell you what people in these cases get told and you can pass this on to your siblings. You can only give so much before there is nothing left. You have a family, a job and life outside of your parents care needs. Request a carer's assessment by the local social services - this is assessing the carer, not the caree, and therefore doesn't involve them, but it will help bring into clarity how much the carer is doing, how much care the caree needs and what is available to assist the carer. Often just speaking about their commitment to someone outside the family can be an eye-opening experience and can motivate them to tell the caree just how much they can offer, with the difference being made up in other ways. You can guarantee the caree won't like it. But it often comes down to this is what I can offer - it's this or nothing as I'm driving myself into the ground.

This is rarely a happy time, even with the best relationships, but bring in a past abusive relationship and all bets are off.

Tell those who criticise you - You have no idea what I went through at the hands of my mother. I could have my revenge now she's frail and elderly, but I choose to be the bigger person and stay clear.

You can sign post your siblings to social services and other organisation who can help. Give them permission to step away if they want to.

I won’t be doing my mums care and she knows this . She was a terrible mother and I’m going to return the favour .

I wasn't suggesting they should have done anything, rather did/do they have any understanding of what you went through.

Not that it matters, you have no obligation to do anything to help.

I'm very sorry to hear that. She sounds dreadful. Please don't feel guilty about refusing to provide any care for her.

It is your siblings' choice to help her. They could say no too and then your mum would have to accept help from outside agencies. They have no right to put pressure on you and try and make you feel guilty. Stick to your guns.

If they’re burnt out it has to come between you and them because they need help and you can offer it (not saying if you should or not). I’d probably feel the same but get why you can’t help

A mentally competent person can't be made to go into a home, even if they're really too frail physically to cope well.

I know they are burnt out but they need to arrange professional care

You're right, they do
"D"M may well try to refuse it initially, but if they step right back until she comes around that should help (and cries of "Ooooo we couldn't do that" would be their choice to make)

Under the circumstances you're not unreasonable at all to stay no contact, but if you wanted to support the siblings is there anything like documentation you could help with - in other words something that would take some of the weight off them but not involve seeing her?

Typo

You are not being unreasonable at all. Clealy she is still abusing your siblings. I don't think walking their dogs so your mother can continue to drain all of you would help anyone.

Do you have the kind of relationship where you can say to your sibs "you know I am refusing to offer care because she was so abusive to me. I am sad to see she is now abusing you and bullying you into doing too much. I wish you would protect yourselves by setting better boundaries and insisting she has professional care. I think it would be so much better for you."

You are under no obligation to help her and anyone who thinks you should can F off.
IF you want to help your siblings though perhaps you could do some admin tasks that don't involve contact with your mother?
If you don't want to do that though its entirely your choice

If they know and understand the abuse you experienced and yet still expect you to put yourself out for her then i suggest they aren't the best people to have relationships with.

If you think they don't understand then make them.

Do you feel you can help them help her? Or is the principal too much?

I get it OP. None of us should feel obliged to care for parents imo.

Do your siblings know the type and extent of her abuse? Did they witness it, did they experience the same? If they did, tell them to fuck off. If they didn't, tell them to fuck off.

Can you offer support to your siblings in any way?

Caring is difficult so maybe offering to do things for them could ease their burden a bit. Cleaning/cooking/dog walks etc. If you want to and have the ability that is.

Of course you don't need to put it aside. Abusers have to live with the consequences of their actions

You are doing the right thing. She abused you as a child and no-one should expect you to step up and provide elderly care to her now.

Did she abuse your siblings as well?

Tell her she’ll go into a home as its best all round.

I don’t blame you OP for not wanting to do it. I cared for my mum and it was very hard, mentally and physically, and she wasn’t even abusive, so god knows it would be too difficult for someone you hate.

This is what I was thinking OP. Is there any way you can help your siblings without having contact with your Mum, or doing anything directly for her? That would at least help maintain your sibling relationships.

I sympathise OP and know how difficult someone like this can be. Its also heartbreaking when it breaks up siblings. Even more frustrating when the person in question refuses to let anyone other than family into the house. I don't know your circumstances, but some thoughts.

Why are your siblings burnt out? Has your mum has a social services review? Is she getting all professional help available? Is she refusing help other than from your siblings? Does your mum actually have capacity to refuse additional support? Is home the best setting for her? You may not know the answers, but they are ones to ask your siblings.

I would be inclined to say that they are minimising what she did to you at best, gaslighting you at worst.

If they want to support you, they don’t have to care for her either, she can go into a home.

Sounds like you mum has done a number on them as well, but that’s up to them to deal with.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a poll that’s 100% one way, btw, which tells you all you need to know.

Best of luck, OP.

It's a tough one.

My DSis is NC with DM who's beginning to need care now. There are four siblings so we can manage without her, but she's offered to help financially or indirectly with the paperwork. Anything outside of the house.

OP is there nothing you feel able to do? For us we're certainly in it together despite all having our issues with DM. I don't expect my sister to compromise her boundaries at all, but is mucking in with all she's able to.

Sounds like she’s very controlling with your siblings as well. They need to put the foot down and say well it’s carers or you go without any help until we’re available. They need to stop enabling her behaviour as well.