To think that people who say “they don’t need anyone” are just emotionally available and scared of commitment?

AIBU to think that people who make sweeping generalisations have an axe to grind?
AIBU to think that people who dont/ can’t believe that others feel differently to them are arrogant and sneery?

etc.

I'm a bit like you desribe. I am avoidant and fiercely independent, I will never ask for help even to my own detriment. I don't particularly like being this way but I had an awful childhood devoid of love and care and that made me this way. I deal with it as best I can and sometimes I am lonely but I also don't trust people and I don't really know how to work past that, I feel like my brain was wired that way during my formative years and rewiring it seems like a pretty impossible task at this point.

It's a really quite difficult way to live and I'm certainly not proud of it. I feel like damaged goods in a lot of ways. People are complex aren't they?

So I’m independent and don’t need anyone.

I do get lonely at times though but that’s just a want not a need. That is only because all my friends are settled down so aren’t as available as me for last minute get togethers etc. I am also happy holidaying/eating out/doing anything really alone.

I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally unavailable. Just picky about who I would want in my life. If the right man came along I’m open to a relationship, but I wouldn’t want to settle .

Are you judging people who are reacting to past hurt?

It reads as if you are.

You don't know what you are talking about, you shrink wannabe.

Do you mean in terms of romantic relationships or all relationships?

If the latter, then yes, that's avoidance due to anxiety. Everyone needs meaningful relationships. All the people on here who 'only' need their ' little family' of H and kids are, I think, just people who are avoiding social relationships due to anxiety or stress, rather than finding ways to cope with the anxiety they feel around other people.

Odd post - people act like they don’t need …. / guise of independence …

You a mind reader ??

Definitely don't need a relationship as have found over the years they are based on diminishing returns and therefore not worth the effort.

I think there’s a big difference between wanting someone and needing someone.

When my first marriage ended, I was so lost. I’d been with him since I was 16, so had never done adulthood alone before. I jumped into an incredibly ill-advised relationship which was so ridiculously codependent - I genuinely felt like it couldn’t function without this man. I wasn’t comfortable in my own company and would get very anxious and freaked out if he didn’t respond to a text within a few hours etc.
When the break up came, it was like my whole world was falling apart. It took me a long time to learn to do life by myself. But eventually, I reached the point where I was very happy with my single life. I wasn’t bothered if I never had another romantic relationship again 🤷🏻‍♀️

Then I met DH, completely out of the blue. I wasn’t searching for a relationship or really interested in dating at that point. But as time went on and we talked more and more, I came to the conclusion that I really liked him and I wanted him in my life - I didn’t need him. That’s also when the changes I’d made in my life since the messy break up really had made such a positive difference - if he needed to cancel a date for whatever reason, or if he got stuck at work (where he isn’t allowed his personal phone for security reasons), I didn’t feel anxious or horribly insecure like I did before.
Big difference between feeling lonely and wanting someone in your life to share things with and feeling lonely and needing someone to feel validated.

What's the context for this...you don't need anyone as in friends, or a relationship, people to do your DIY? Parents?

It's not an act.

Please do tell me more about my wants and needs.

Ooooo you reminded me!

I'm never needy or clingy !

I don't recall ever saying I was lonely.
50, never married. Briefly lived with father of my son in my 20s.

No discernable relationships in the last 15 years.

Not looking for one.

Please do tell me that I'm spouting bullshit in your ahem, opinion.

Well......I don't need to live with anyone. I don't need a romantic partner. I don't need romantic love. I don't need to be married or cared for by a partner. I don't need a partners money.

But i do need friends and acquaintances and interactions with others.

I'm very independent and happy

Never lonely. Rarely sad about anything

I'm not sure how I fit in to your opening post, OP?

What a weird take. This is the kind of stuff incels men post all over social media. How independent women are just kidding themselves and actually really need a man. No thanks!

On the flip side: how many people are stuck in relationships that make them unhappy because they 'need' to be there - for the kids, for the financial security, etc etc. If you want to talk about what is and isn't a 'true choice', you might want to consider more than just people who choose to stay single or be in unconventional relationships that work for them.

I take it you are one of those people who can't be single? And are needy and clingy?

The issue is when people frame avoidance as empowerment without acknowledging the fear behind it. Recognising that doesn’t invalidate their struggles - it just calls for honesty.

What's with the armchair therapy, OP? Why do you imagine that you know these people better than they know themselves? Or that they owe you honesty? Again, seems unlikely that you're talking in general terms rather than thinking of specific people in your life who have rejected you.

I'd say or - or we DH and I - are fierce independence because we've had to be - so many people over years have let us down - it's better to plan to do things ourselves then agree to help and get fucked over last minute and have to scramble yet again. I say I was raised that way as well - my parents always seem to be bottom of everyones pile.

However I like people - I can get overwhelmed with crowds and do need down time - but I like people - general chats - to working with to just saying hello to.

I'm happiest when DH and kids are all around in the house. I can do alone time but always enjoy doing days out or walks with others more than by myself - though been told on here thats a sort of personal failing and I should happy to do stuff by myself - I can and will just enjoy it more with others.

So I suppose it depends on context - oh when and how it said and what's meant.

Again - what does it matter to you whether someone needs other people or not? What business is it of yours?

This is such a weird, goady post.

It’s not independence, it’s avoidance. If you truly didn’t need anyone, you wouldn’t keep complaining about being lonely

Most people who say they don't need anyone absolutely don't complain about being lonely, though, so I find it hard to believe you're not talking about a specific person in your life.

To be honest, you just sound a bit threatened by the notion that people might not need you - or envious that some people can be happy without the kind of support that you might need/crave. Otherwise, why would any of this bother you enough to start a thread about it?

I've been widowed for over a decade, and you couldn't pay me to start dating again. I'm happy, as I am have no need for a partner nor want I'm happy alone. It's not fear or avoidance it's simply that I have no need or want of a man in my life

Trauma and life experiences can really affect a person like this. That’s why it’s beneficial to have some empathy - especially if you don’t know their story

or they could just enjoy being alone. Which is allowed and is perfectly cool.

If DH and I ever break up then I have decided to be alone. I have too much baggage from childhood to look for love and acceptance again in mid life. And I’m ok with that! ☺️

Why do they owe you 'honesty' on this?

Do we all have to lay bare our fear and struggles in order to justify the survival mechanisms that allowed us to keep going this long?

And if that's the case, are you leading by example? What's the fear YOU have that's making this an issue worth getting bothered by?

Not at all.