TTC but boyfriend keeps making a weird “joke” – am I overreacting?

It sounds like trying to conceive isn't a good idea right now.

I always worry when women decide to have children without the protection that marriage offers, and also why marriage isn't on the cards in this situation.

Having a baby is wonderful, but also the hardest thing that most people do. You need to work out all the logistics first: how much time off, who takes it, finances, childcare options and cost. You also need to make sure you are on the same page regarding parenting choices: religion, schooling, discipline etc.

Many a true word is said in jest.

Blimey OP, if you think having a baby is more natural than logistical you'd better think again! It will turn your life upside down and there will be a million impacts that you never even thought about. You will be responsible for another human being for years to come. Please think very carefully because it doesn't sound as though you have.

If you want to understand what the practical impact is, it’s worth reading the Relationships board to see how it can go wrong! It’s a bit slanted in that people posting have a reason to be concerned but it is worth having your eyes open as to what can happen when the situation doesn’t go as expected.

Set up the next conversation carefully - calm, unhurried, comfortable.

See if he does it again.

Then instead of swerving away from it, ask him to talk through what lies beneath what he says.

How he truly feels.

Because I do think it likely that he's actually saying 'I'LL be trapped with YOU' but having difficulty articulating it. Hence the uneasy 'joke' thing.

It's going to be hard but you'll need to stay calm, courteous, controlled, make it as comfortable as possible for the conversation to happen.

Unless he’s been controlling before, I’d assume it’s more him projecting his own fear of commitment.

You should definitely discuss finances, childcare and expectations before you TTC.

those jokes are saying something. Either he has underlying fears about this step or he does see this as a way to keep you in the relationship.

the harsh truth is that if you don’t feel you are ready for marriage yet, then you aren’t ready for a baby. Marriage is legal contract that shows you want the government to recognize you as an economic and legal partner with your spouse. If you plan to be parents, it is basically like setting up a business to raise your child. That may not seem romantic, but it is utterly practical.

a marriage is not about a party. It’s about deciding you have shared goals with this person you love and realizing as real partners you can make both your lives work better. If this isn’t the man who does that for you, he isn’t the man you want as the father of your child.

It reminds me of when my brother was getting married. He made similar jokes about that. On his wedding day he even staged a photo of his two best men dragging him into the church. He's just celebrated his 54th wedding anniversary.

If he loves you he will stop with those comments.

But he may well still think that way.

TTC is always a stressing time so try not to read too much into it and have a heart to heart with him. If he loves you he will stop with those comments.

Well, possibly it's nerves about the seriousness of the whole thing, but I would hate it- partly the idea of TTC with someone unsure and partly because that whole stereotype of woman wanting to trap the man would give me the massive ick.

I think you should sit down and talk about it seriously- how the "jokes" make you feel and how they're making you unsure about his commitment to TTC. Suggest you put TTC on hold meanwhile. Suspect his reaction will tell you what you need to know.

Oh sorry I meant to add that marriage is not just a piece of paper, your legal position if you give up work or reduce hours etc is much stronger if you’re married than if you’re cohabiting and that’s not just if the relationship breaks down, it’s pensions, benefits and all sorts.

I think that because you are now realising that you need to consider the practicalities, the best thing to do is to stop TTC until you are satisfied that it’s the best choice.

You could say to him “your joke about being trapped made me think that we do need to look at the money and practical things more before we start trying to conceive”. The reaction might help you understand whether he’s going for the path of least resistance or is really not ready etc.

I know it feels unromantic and a bit boring and sensible but you really need to be prepared for your life completely changing if you have a baby. It’s good that you’re starting to see it needs to be thought of more carefully than you have been.

I would be listening to my gut. It’s telling you something is off. I wouldn’t be having a baby with him. Men can turn when you’re pregnant. So many threads on here. The whole “trapped” thing would make me nervous. Remember you have zero rights if you’re unmarried so unless you can imagine a future as a single parent and you’re financially independent, I just wouldn’t do it.

Basically, he keeps saying stuff like, “Once you’re pregnant, you’re trapped with me forever,” or “No going back once there’s a baby.”

Um yeah I'm going to go against the grain and say I definitely wouldn't be rushing into marriage with this man. It sounds very much to me like he's trying to express his own doubts and worries about making such a big commitment.

I would be sitting down with him very, very soon (or at least before you TTC this / next month) and just stating how uncomfortable these comments make you and ask him if he has any concerns because if so, they need to be addressed now before you get pregnant and he decides he can't cope being "trapped"!

To add, there's lots of people telling you what he really meant by his words, and I'm not sure why. He's said it more than once. I'd take what he's telling you at face value rather than looking for a rose tinted interpretation.

If he said this to me, I would make the following points in response:

• I will never be trapped with anyone. I have no reason to think this relationship will fail but I wouldn't think I had to stay in something that had failed, as much I would always support a child's relationship with both parents.
• I don't want to be with someone who feels trapped. I feel lucky to be in this relationship. If that was a joke, I don't find it funny.

I think you need to think about marriage properly and the protections it would offer you, especially if you want to be a SAHM at all, (although it sounds like you dont). I wouldn't brush his comments off like some suggest. The fact he thinks you'd be trapped is interesting, I'd remind him single mothers exist and you'll be more than capable of walking away, baby or not, if he turns into a dickhead.

Like, if he sees a baby as a bigger commitment than marriage, maybe this is his way of processing it?

Having a baby is a bigger commitment than marriage though. You can get out of a marriage. You can’t stop being a parent, even if you are an absent parent you are still a parent.

Do you think he’s truly ready or is just going along with the TTC? Whose idea was it? Have you discussed finances, childcare, work, parenting skills etc?

Well pregnancy is one the biggest at risk times for a woman for dv for various reasons, one being that the person often feels at greater control/partner is more vulnerable. I'm not sure about this one I feel it's probably more just a joke but it's not a very funny joke is it op? Next time he says it I'd ask him what he means and get more info and then see how you feel then. Keep us posted

Why is marriage a 'one day' thing and a baby is now? How are you splitting childcare costs? Who will pick up the baby if it gets ill at the childminder? How is he making his work more flexible so that he can do nursery drop offs and pick ups?