Not to drink on my Hen dos?

I really despair about weddings these days.
I've just spoken to a neighbour whose granddaughter has spent 5 years and £25,000, so far, on her wedding. And we have thread after thread about problems caused by hen dos, stag dos, upset over who is invited and who isn't invited to which part if the wedding. It's insane, it's ridiculous, it's unreal.
Why do you even need to start a thread about it? It's your life. Take control. Dont let the lunatics take over the asylum - if that's offensive I apologise. But really?

Is it?

I have Millie Macintoshs book next on my list to read, I'm guessing she faced the same issues with going sober and I'm interested to the pressure she came under

But, as a grown up do what you want, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, only the immature will be bothered

It’s self explanatory

If they’ve organised something like that though surely it would just get shared amongst everyone anyway.
I don’t drink at all and usually get a bottle of something for my birthday, it is quite annoying smiling and accepting when they know full well I don’t drink so I do the same as you share or hand out at Christmas 🙈😂

I haven’t drank since December and I get some questions, I see some people less but that’s their choice.

Life is just better sober. Better sleep, love mornings now, never use it as a ‘feel better’.

I wasn’t a big drinker before this, but it gave me almighty hangovers.

So no! You don’t have to drink!

If she's the hen, they might have bought a fancy bottle or organised cocktails for her in advance.
I very rarely drink, none of my friends or family have a problem with that, but some of our friends do sometimes forget, and we have a cupboard full of 'nice bottles' that we've received as gifts. We appreciate the thought, and they usually get taken down to Mum & Dad's at Christmas for 'proper disposal' 😉

It's crazy that our drinking culture is so heavily embedded that we feel we need to explain or give a head ups when we decide not to drink, and worry people will be put out, make speculations or even encourage us to drink alcohol.

I've been alcohol free for about 6 years for a few reasons and it's the best thing l've done. I have social anxiety and would often drink because of awkwardness. Now l just have to throw myself into these situations and be myself. Not always easy and l did hide in the bathroom at a wedding last year as the people l went with were all getting hammered and leaving me on my own to go outside to smoke! Conversation can be tedious with very drunk people and they're not as funny as l thought they were when l was drunk too!

Saying all that, l don't mind at all what others do - and they shouldn't mind if you decide not to drink.

Hi OP,

I haven't had a drink in 5+ years, preceded by another 3 years of various sober experiments. I think I may have stopped for reasons similar to yourself.

I never questioned the role of booze. I went from university binge drinking to an expat city in my twenties, nearly all socialising involved drinking. I am in a country where people still occasionally express surprise that I don't drink At All - not even a glass of wine? Champagne? What about Christmas? New Year?

First of all, I have NEVER regretted giving up booze. It does change your social life because you lose the acquaintances and the hangers on and the people who think you are "just hilarious". However, you keep the people who matter and the people with whom you have a solid bond of friendship, a shared history, or are able to have an honest conversation with. You also find that your patience for different social situation or for very drunk people changes - I still go out to bars and enjoy parties, but I won't be there until 3 am while some idiot spit talks over me about what a cow his third wife was.

Also, no hangovers ever again. No dread at what you might have done/said/spent. No post-binge anxiety.

Read The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray. Or it you think your drinking is anxiety driven, Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whitaker.

In practical terms, start telling people now: "I felt really great during Dry January I am trying to carry it on." Just let your friends and family know between now and the Hen Do that you've found a whole lot of new energy or feel more clear headed, so you'll be avoiding drinking at your parties.

Stock up on Nosecco, Square Root make non alcoholic cocktails in cute little bottles that you can order for delivery. Plenty of breweries make 0.0 beers, although these aren't hangover free as a lot of the preservatives and flavourings are the same. No one can tell the difference between a Mojito and a Virgin Mojito, same with a Moscow Mule or a Tom Collins.

Elderflower cordial with fizzy or soda water is a nice alternative to coke/fanta/squash, and feels more grown up.

If it helps with the motivation, ask yourself "what would I rather do tomorrow?". Surrounded by expats, Thursday night lock ins, Saturday nights out and Sunday Fundays, I was often just drinking by habit or default. I stopped because I felt that being hungover and useless was life limiting. When I was trying to break that habit, I would ask myself "what would you rather do tomorrow? Hangover or go for a swim? Hangover or see a film? Hangover or get your CV sorted?" and that helped me focus on what I wanted.

Definitely don’t drink! If you get any pushback from anyone, give them shirt shrift!

A turning point for me was when I saw a hen do group dancing round our city centre in the afternoon. They had huge pink dildos and were shouting and screaming at everyone. They were all roaring drunk. They just looked and sounded so pathetic. I thought, would they do that sober?

Have you missed out over the past few months? If you start to feel you're missing out there is nothing stopping you drinking. You're not signing a contract to never drink again! But if you're feeling healthier and clearer headed good for you! I wouldn't send a heads up. You're not showing up with a second head, there's nothing to warn them about. You're not drinking, it's no big deal. If you feel weird, you can always have a quiet word with the bar around bringing you nom alcohol versions of the drinks ordered though.

They absolutely will think you're pregnant though, so up to you if you want to hide it until you're sure it's going to stick. it's an unfortunate assumption people make because we live in ridiculous drinking culture.

You don’t need to drink at these events or at anytime. I don’t drink and it’s fine. I sometimes get pressured to have a drink and I say No I don’t drink alcohol. Watch in case your drinks get alcohol added for a laugh. I’d say to stick to sparkling water as that’s easy to for you to check because it’s just got the bubbles and no flavour.

Why? What impact on anyone else does it have if another person drinks?

I agree with this - doing things where you would normally drink but not drinking can feel like you are missing out or depriving yourself of something. A nice lunch or an activity which wouldn't traditionally involve booze might work best. I like a really nice breakfast out for this reason.

I was a binge drinker just like you and I'm now two years sober - my life is sooooo much better! No hangovers, anxiety is at an all time low and I lost lots of weight. I don't find that I miss out - you notice there's a point on nights out where people become incoherent and at that point I quite happily go home, eat something nice, watch something good, do my skin care and feel very happy when I'm lovely and fresh in the morning. So you don't miss out because you get to enjoy the good part of the night where you're socialising and having fun while fully present and then you go home! I'm engaged and will definitely do my hen party sober, I think you're making a bigger thing of it if you tell people, just do it and have a fab time!!

You are going to get the pregnancy speculation and possibly ageist comments, so I'd be honest. Hitting peri menopause and during, a lot of women drop/reduce alcohol, so you will find others happy to follow your lead. Now I'm fully through the menopause I find I can have two cocktails and that's enough. I will never give up seasonal cocktails, or flavoured Baileys.

Why?

Perfectly reasonable, though would be courteous to let others know you are not going to be drinking.

You're a 42 year old woman. You have made a perfectly reasonable decision about what you choose to consume. You will feel physically and emotionally better.
You don't need to explain or excuse yourself.

At the very start of being sober there were a few occasions where I didn’t stay late at a friends while they carried on drinking, or wasn’t invited to last minute drinks in the pub etc, because people assumed I wouldn’t want to go. At the time I did worry I was being left out but I just told my friends to invite me to anything anyway as sometimes I join. There was some initial push back from friends about whether I’d ever drink again but now they never question me not drinking and many have said they actually love spending time with me because we often choose to do dinners, brunches, cinema etc and have quality time together. Ultimately anyone that is your truly friend would never exclude you for sobriety.

One of the Hen dos is one week before my wedding and the depression/anxiety left to me by a hangover can last a week!

Why would even consider risking ruining or not enjoying your wedding day for the sake of having some drinks?!?

You are making this into a massive deal that it really isn’t.

People won’t care if you drink or not OP. You are an adult I assume, so do what is right for you.