What’s it like to really need your own space?

I could never ever, ever have people stay over at my house - hence I will never create a spare bedroom (obv in an emergency all are welcome) and I could never go on holiday with a group of friends and all our kids. It would send me over the edge. And don't get me wrong, I'm very sociable (once a month) and always the last person to go home at a party - but if someone offers me the spare bed for the night I never accept as it would just ruin the night having to brush teeth, wake up, eat breakfast and talk to other people. Urgh I can't think of anything worse 😄

I need time on my own. So do my kids and, looking back, my mum certainly did. She tried to carve out a day on her own occasionally and I do the same. On holiday I sometimes just volunteer to go to the shops on my own so that I can just have some silence or time with my own thoughts. I never mind of someone calls though, it's more like always being in the vicinity of someone else is a bit taxing. As a ppl said, being around others can be a chore. You have to think about what you say, explain why you've chosen to do something etc.

I expect them to bugger off and leave me to it. All day. I don’t do it often but sometimes I just need the day to myself.

God, I’m a person who needs time alone (like most people probably) but I would absolutely be at the end of the phone and coming to help if one of my family had a car crash!

i Need alone time because the act of holding a conversation is just exhausting. Sometimes even just the possibility of a conversation is exhausting. I need to be able to sit in odd positions, fidget to my hearts content, and just not worry about other people.

if my spouse didn’t contact me in an emergency just because I was having a quiet day, I would think there was something wrong with our marriage. I want to be his support person and want to be able to trust that he will call on me when needed.

Also, me taking time for myself shouldn’t be such a rare or special event that an actual emergency can’t break through. I try to have some time every day.

Well, that's learned behaviour you can work on, rather than dealing with the choice of either existing purely for the person you're with or being alone, or in the modified case of being with your partner. My mother was like this, and I and my sisters were brought up to be like this. But, with work, we've all managed to shed that particular script, which is spectacularly unhelpful and unfits an individual for everyday life.

When I'm with someone else, I automatically put them first. My very existence is purely for their benefit. I modify every part of myself for their pleasure and comfort. It's automatic and I can't exist any differently. It's nice to not have to do that for a while. It's nice to switch off and just be a person

This really resonated with me. I've never been able to put it into words before. But I think it's one of the reasons that romantic relationships haven't worked for me.

The only people I'd say I genuinely enjoy being with are my adult DC, as I can just fully be myself with them. Even then I would still need some time alone to recharge, but they're the same so it works well.

It's nice that you're so understanding OP. But yes, in an emergency I would be there for someone regardless of whether I was having alone time. I can "power through" when necessary.

I love my own time my own space so much i stay single.
Its peaceful i can recharge restart relax.
I see a lot of people but when i come home and shut my front door its blissful.
No pets no man no kids no chores just shower coffee pjs book its heaven tbh.

I don't think I expect anything from my loved ones when I need my own time. I ask that they don't take it personally, and don't try to punish me for needing the time though - I had an ex who used to try and convince me that however many hours I need to recharge was then "owned" to do things with him. 🤷‍♀️.

Thankfully my current partner is much more understanding, mostly cause he needs time on his own too. However we have found that we can both recharge just fine while physically being in the same room, just doing different things - painting, drawing, reading, crochet, playing games etc. we just are "low contact" for a while. Little conversation and our own physical space around us. We'll still share any important news we get during these times, or if we suddenly remember something. We also still bring tea/food to each other. It works well for us.

I stip being able yo process what others are saying. I lose the ability to speak in sentences. My words come out jumbled or missing and sometimes I can't find the words I need to say.

I feel tense and agitated. You know the Star Wars trash compactor? I'm in that mentally.

I feel.exhsusted. I can't focus or concentrate.

I need a lot of time to myself.

It depends whether he is simply introverted or ND or something else but it can feel exhausting someone being in your company or having to think about someone else or them talking to you. I'm sure he wouldn't have minded you calling if you needed him.

I love being with people but get exhausted by it very quickly. If I don't gave time to myself I just feel so completely drained, like I'm running on an empty tank. I need it to be able to function.

I like certain people very much. However, I cannot bear to be with people at all times!

If I have to endure enforced socialisation, it's effectively like you're draining my personal battery. Things like funerals and Christmas festivities are terrible for this, because you're expected to be around people ALL DAY. Being around people at all times is claustrophobic and anxiety-inducing... to the point that I start counting down to bedtime, when I can be alone! The fact that I am a terrible sleeper is irrelevant.

I get very peeved and, when pushed, grumpily annoyed and snappy with the other person. Then, because I am stressed, I get a headache, tight muscles and generally feel rubbish. I also feel bad because I've been snappy with other people.

I just need a bit of time to myself to be calm, relaxed and unsupervised, without being expected to make conversation or entertain anyone else. That way, I can recharge my batteries and be nice to my human company at some other point in the day.

I think the batteries analogy is good. It just feels like I've usedup my batteries and need to recharge. If you don't leave me to it, I'll get exhausted and grumpy. I also have a chronic migraines, and get in a bad way if I'm too exhausted - both with migraine, fatigue and cognitive impairment.

However, I do have a spare "emergency battery". I will absolutely use it if a loved one needs me to, and I'd be devastated to not be contacted if someone needs support in an emergency - even if they're not badly injured or very ill. It does come at a price and I don't want to use it to take on extra tasks at work or hear about somebody's itchy knee. I do need to rest and recharge my mental batteries, but not if someone I love has been in an accident - even if it's minor. Or needs support in another way. I'll overrule my need to rest and recharge. It sounds like your DH is able and willing to overrule his need for solitude if you need him, too. That's a good thing.

Time alone is a preference OP is accommodating. There's not some sort of "don't speak me during alone time, ever" order her partner insisted on. This was an emergency. There is obviously a difference, as he said himself. So yes, refusing to let him know about it does come across as punishing. Especially now, when he's flat out told her he'd want to know, and she's still saying "oh I probably won't".

It's as if OP is saying that it's all or nothing with her. If her partner wants a day alone to recharge his batteries, that will come with a price. Apparently OP is an extreme extrovert who never craves alone time, ever, but for most people this would be an easy decision. It's one of those things like when to call your partner at work or when to interrupt a girl's night out. "I just wanted to chat about my day" = save it for later. "I was in a car crash" = pick up the phone.

I get a feeling a bit like claustrophobia or anxiety - like a heavy feeling on my chest like I can't breathe or think or relax.

As soon as I'm in peace and quiet for at least 10 minutes with no people, it subsides and i feel completely relaxed again.

This is even with loved ones and people whose company I absolutely enjoy

get along well (not) together 😂

In normal mode, we communicate as we go about both the important and the unimportant stuff.

In giving space mode we limit the random chatter/random disturbances, and we agree timing for the things which need shared attention (dinner at 8 and than we will spend half an hour on X).
Really urgent matters have priority as usually.

Just a note, this can't be only about you adjusting to his wants and needs, it needs to be mutual. Sometimes the needs can be clashing, it can even happen that one needs company and the other needs space, and it needs a plan/shared solution. Neither of those needs is more important than the other.

But if he's allowed to set his boundaries about when he wants 'regular' contact with the OP and when he needs quiet time, why isn't she allowed to decide how she will accommodate that?

He doesn't feel comfortable being 'on' all the time, and the OP is not supposed to take that personally, but you think it's reasonable to consider it a 'punishment' if the OP chooses to deal with a car accident in the way she felt most comfortable with at the time.

Being an introvert or needing alone time doesn't negate the fact that others around you also have needs. The OP was in a stressful situation and she turned to the person she thought would support her best at the time. She is already doing her best to accommodate her partner - does she really have to prioritise his feelings when she's been in a car accident?

I absolutely need alone time. It's one of the reasons I don't want to live with my partner! To me it feels like a build up of pressure inside as well as a draining of energy.

However even on the days I have alone at home I'm usually in plenty of contact with DP, messages flying back and forth. And if there was an emergency he would call me, I'd be really hurt if he didn't think he could.

I really do need alone time or I get sensory overwhelm being around people all the time. Even just having someone there, breathing and existing, starts to get to me after a while. That doesn't mean I'm not contactable in an emergency though and if a loved one needed me during time I wanted to be alone, I'd rather be there and suck it up! It's not kidney dialysis, I won't die if I don't get it, I'll just be a bit tired and grumpy.

I'm not surprised your partner was hurt about the car accident thing, by the way. If I was him, I'd feel like my partner was trying to punish me, by withholding that kind of information from me. Especially given that your view of alone time is "I'd only ever need it if I was annoyed at someone". He probably suspects you're taking his need for space more personally than you pretend.

If I was him, I'd also feel pretty uncomfortable wondering how you painted me to the friend you called to help you instead.

A further question if you don’t mind. What do you expect of your loved ones during this time?

Ask your partner. Everyone will have different expectations.

It's like listening to music. You can really enjoy it and sometimes it's great, but you can't listen all day non-stop everyday.

After a while you need to tone it down, change the song, or turn it off completely and enjoy the quiet for a while. Otherwise the constant stimulus would break your brain.

Yes, I think that's a fair point. Though what struck me was that the OP thought that her partner's solitude was more important than her car accident, and called a friend instead because she 'didn't feel comfortable' disturbing him on an 'alone day'. To me, that's the issue here. I don't the most hermitty of introverts would take issue at being called in an emergency, even if it wasn't life-threatening, as long as they were a decent human being. Your boyfriend has said to contact him whenever you want or need to, even if he is having an 'alone day', but you still say you won't. Why not? Why aren't you taking him at his word?