Shall I tell her to stick it?

How much did she ask for?

If it's a reasonable amount... and not a whole year's worth.. I think you could and should, overlook the fact that she wants you to pay it to her son's bank account...

Don't tell her to stick it... you offered to pay, her circumstances have changed... it still stands that she is doing you a favour... if you refuse / decline / tell her to stick it... I think you are not going to come up smelling of roses and she will feel awkward and used.

Yes, making small talk with a student for an extra two hours a day can't be any teacher's idea of fun.

Wow, she is saving you two hours of driving every day. That's an incredible favour. Of course you should be contributing towards the cost. How much has she asked for per month?

It's a bit rude to chase someone each time to demand a thank you for a thank you gift.

Do you give gifts as a thank you, or to get appreciation yourself?
that’s not why you give gifts.

This teacher is playing fast and loose with their career.....

I think you’re the CF here, surely can’t you see you’ve been very lucky so far and I’m surprised the teacher is still happy to do this for your son.

It won't be!

Yes tell her to stick it. You can drive your own child.

Yes you should totally tell her to stick it. I’d love you to come back with how she responds and maybe how you plan to get your child to school when she doesn’t appreciate what you said to her. No flaws in that plan whatsoever 😂

OP clearly isn’t coming back to this thread but can I ask-

why would a teacher give a young lad a lift in a car? It’s inconvenient, it’s timely, it ties her to times to leave , she can’t chill out and just zone out in the drive , and I don’t think it would be recommended - perhaps a safeguarding issue.

Trying to understand why a teacher would do this? Other than being extremely kind but that would be naive of me - it’s 2025 we can’t just give people lifts when we’re in a position of power

To be fair, it's not exactly good manners or courteous to tell someone to 'stick it'.

But yeah, why not, tell her to 'stick it' and make your life considerably worse because she has accepted the offer you have repeatedly made. This must be a wind up.

I'm shocked that this is okay with the school!

Just to say, if you send a "thank you" gift, you don't get a thank you back.

She was pretty clear that the reason she'd appreciate petrol money now is because the costs for her DS getting to school have risen. What did you think the money was going to other than subsidising his driving? In part, she may want the money to go to her DS rather than in to her bank account to try and mitigate the appearance of bribery or just that she's charging you for the ride.

I see why her not acknowledging your gift is annoying. That sort of social lubrication makes it feel like you're on the same page. Her ignoring it leaves you wondering what she really thinks of you and the arrangement. But she is doing you a massive favour, even with petrol money, so I think accepting that she's just not up on that side of normal interaction would be best.

You risk really shooting yourself in the foot if you take umbrage at the lack or thinks or the destination for the petrol money.

Just give your son cash to give her every week then - that better for you? Also, you should continue with end of term gift because you're totally screwed without her.

There is absolutely no transport available for your child to get to school? Why have you chosen to live somewhere so impossible? But given that you have, you are now at the mercy of others. You either like it or lump it. I'm amazed the teacher is making herself vulnerable by offering your son a lift, but that aside, she is doing you a huge favour. What would you do without her? You'd have to pay for a taxi presumably or do a juggling act to get him to school. She is perfectly within her rights to ask you for petrol money (as you already know) and she would give that money to her son in any event. I would say it's a bit unusual for her to give her son's account instead of her own, but at the end of the day what difference does it make? I think you're probably frustrated by other factors in your life and your angst has transferred to this.

Her housebold bills have increased and she wants some petrol money for the lift. Just pay it. Or pay for a taxi or learn to drive and pay for a car, upkeep, tax, insurance, petrol and repairs.

Goodness. I can't believe anyone would take the lift then quibble over it.
It's not just petrol cost she's saving you, it's all that time etc

When someone offered to take dd1 to school I'd have paid pretty much whatever they asked within reason because it saved me so much hassle. That was 10 years ago, and I'm still very grateful to her.

What would you do if the teacher didn’t take your child?

Is the school your child’s closest school? If so I’m sure your child is legally entitled to school transport if the school is not in walking distance. E.g a school taxi or bus.

If not and you are choosing to send your child to a school further away and live so remotely then I think the teacher is doing to you huge favour and I wouldn’t have a problem at all in paying her some petrol money - regardless of the bank account she requested me to pay into. If you feel really uncomfortable with it then say “oh I’d feel better paying you directly - please can I have your bank account details”.

You really would be cutting your nose off to spite your face if you tell her to “stick it” as you put it.

Why do you feel so aggrieved by this? Would you feel different if she had thanked you for the present? As an aside I do think it is a little bit rude of her not to say thank you for the gift but it probably just slipped her mind or she said thank you to your child at the time.

Its up to her if she gives some money to her son so should transfer it herself.

I wonder if the teacher is perhaps aware that she shouldn't be giving the lifts in the first place (I didn't know this, but I assume PP are correct) and so does not want there to be a trace of regular payments from OP to her account.

It does all sound like a poor arrangement on all sides. There are ethical issues (as a minimum) for the teacher, potential tax/insurance issues about driving someone every day if money is changing hands, and OP's apparent dependence on an arrangement that was always going to be subject to the good will of the other party.

It’s her issue to solve! You can’t rely on a teacher taking your child to school every day. It’s not actually allowed. OP needs to find another solution. Most people think this through before they move to somewhere remote and rural.

I'm sorry OP but you are being unreasonable. This is one of those situations where somebody doing you a very big favour is now being taken for granted. The fact you are put out that she's not more grateful for her present is quite telling.

I remember one time doing a fairly big favour for someone; a friend of a friend. She had left the city where we had all lived but was coming back for 3 weeks once a quarter as part of her contract. She was paying for a B&B and was really feeling the pinch financially. The area is very expensive. I got her details and said there was a spare room in my house and she was welcome to use it for free. I had checked with my tenants that this was ok with them as I was giong to be in and out of the area a lot that month. So she moved in and it all went fine apparently. I only saw her a few times. After she left one of the regular tenants messaged to say she had left (she had really got on his nerves so he was delighted) and she had left me a bottle of wine.

Now, YES, I should have thanked her but I was rushing and forgot. How awful. I saw her again sometime later and went for a chat fully expecting a thank you for the hundreds of Euro I had saved her. Nope. I got a frosty response, raised eyebrows and a query whether I had received her gift. Yes, I said, then 'thank you. I'm sorry. It totally slipped my mind to contact you' She thawed, a little. 'That's ok' she tells me 'I'll be up again and we can drink it together.'

I never offered her the room again.

This teacher sounds really kind and generous. You should pay the petrol money to her son.

As an aside; I'm so sorry for the recent trauma - I suspect you are feeling this way as a result of what you've gone through.

The arrangement is saving you an hour a day and you've not paid for it so far. I think it wouldn't be unreasonable to say you appreciate the lift very much and would prefer to pay the money into her own account. Just blank the information about her son from your mind. It's not relevant. (Unless, as others say, she's not actually allowed to offer lifts to pupils?)

They can’t.