Grandfather behaviour to granddaughter

Jeez. When I read things like this I’d say my 16 yo dd has been very lucky! There is a man, who walks to the shop at exactly the same time every day in my village. School drop off. I used to think he was lovely. My dd’s friend would give him a cuddle when she saw him and he’d chat to me whether I was with my dd or not. But he’s not so lovely and chatty to me now I’m no longer taking my dd to primary school. I’m not saying he’s ever done anything to children as there’s never been a complaint. But it just doesn’t feel right.

Aside from him being creepy as fuck. What are you teaching your daughter, why did you let him pull her back up ffs? Her body, her choice, advocate for your daughter and help teach her body autonomy, by letting him do this you are telling her that she has no option and she needs to keep him happy.

Op it’s not going to be enough to prevent him doing x, y and z. It really just takes minutes to violate a child. I was horrified to learn through training of children being abused in plain sight or in the garden/room next door etc. Especislly someone ‘trusted’ to care for them, they have free access and usually show not a shred of remorse or care.

I would severlyreduce or completely stop contact between them. You know something is seriously off. You know. Don’t wait to find out you were right. Protect your dd.

No way is this okay,,,,no way. Stop your father’s behaviour immediately.

Yes it was truly chilling, I remember this and it was over a decade ago

Another vomit inducing case, a man abused a young girl within 5 metres of her parents at an airport... She was excitedly looking at the planes.. He came over to her in guise of explaining something about the next plane landing... Used his coat over his arm to block the fact he digitally penetrated this poor child while her parents were thinking: isnt that old man sweet explaining about that plane...

Although Stranger assaults are pretty rare... Most of our cases were within families /communities...perpetrator was Grandad /stepdad/the trusted scout leader /teacher/baby sitter.

Paedophiles are very manipulative and believable... Some will play a very long game.

Eg A child protection social worker colleague discovered the local headmaster (a long time friend and her daughter's Godparent) had raped both his pubescent daughters and was lining her daughter up as his next victim. She was completely devastated.

He served a lengthy prison sentence. I met him through work before he was caught... He was very believable.. You couldn't have met a more sweet man😡

@Stripesarethethingforme this man is hiding in plain sight. Continuing contact with him, and yes, even supervised contact, is teaching your daughter he is a safe person. He isn’t.

Why would you let him pull her back? Whatever the situation, surely you would instinctively back her up in choosing to get off someone's knee or away from someone?

I would keep her away from him for now. Get your own boundaries very clear. I'd actually keep her away indefinitely. This is not OK.

Wow the arcade games situation is chilling.

I think you should talk to your dd about this. She needs to know that you will advocate for her from now on and have the pants discussion with her along with a body autonomy chat. Often these things are best drip fed.

On his lap for an hour? And you did what about it?

This is very odd behaviour. Keep her away from him. In fact, keep all your dcs away from him. If it's not her it'll be another.

I wouldn't be taking her round any more.

So this is molestation at an early stage. Is he doing it in front of you? in front of the father?

Stop visiting and stop contact.

This is really creepy behaviour and it does seem like he’s testing how far he can go. I agree with the PP saying abuse can happen quite openly.

I would keep her away until you can process why you didn’t like hugs from your father. It’s not fair a 6 year old has to go through all of that.

I wonder if any other family members have picked up on his behaviour?

Does your daughter know she has the option to decline, she doesn't have to oblige to any of this, but needs to be told that it's okay for her to say no

Your Dad wanted your DD to sit on his lap for over an hour and kept pulling her back if she got off?

And you did what? What about your DD’s right to have her bodily autonomy and wishes respected. So much wrong here.

I'd stop this immediately...

Pulling her back on his lap and the excessive amount of 'cuddles' and being singled out is classic child sex abuse grooming /abuse...

The foot massage.... Yuk!! That's VERY odd...and worrying... As someone said up thread... This may be moving to..." This is where grandad likes to be stroked.."

Versions of this happen all the time in child abuse... Gradual wearing down of boundaries.. So perverse intention touch is normalised.

I would stop this IMMEDIATELY....

If he won't do this... Please don't let him be alone with her EVER... Or stop visiting with her completely.

As in don't EVER leave her with him to go to loo /chat to your mum elsewhere...I worked in child protection and it is MASSIVELY difficult to do this properly...

Groomers/pedophiles are very good at isolating kids (a pedophile my colleague worked with managed to get small children around the side of arcade games out of sight of parents and abuse them within 20 secs.

Do some basic work with her around consent.. Good touch /bad touch. Public /private areas...

Am so sorry this is happening...

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT FEELINGS!

Why the fuck are you enabling this? I wouldn’t have my children being made to sit with anyone. An hour is absurd! This is disgusting and you and your husband are being feeble. Protect your damn child! Even you feel creeped out by him imagine how your poor child feels! Ffs.

& not letting him around her without any other adult woman present.. although some members of the family often hide sexual abuse when committed by a loved one 😢

even if he isn’t a pedophile (which we won’t know anyway from a thread on the internet) his behaviour is out of line. Him insisting she sits on his knee like that is unfair of your daughter. FFS she wants to walk around.

He may be singling your daughter out because she has people pleasing tendencies and she won’t push back like the others. You and her dad need to stand up for her so she learns how.

You really need to step up and safeguard your daughter.
mit is very wrong to enable someone - her grandfather or anyone else- to touch her excessively and pull her back for touches (as back on their lap) when she doesn’t want to.

You and him teach her that she has no bodily autonomy. You need to restrict physical contact and immediately seek an age appropriate conversation with her about that no one is allowed to touch her ever against her will - not even family. And that she doesn’t need to hug anyone at all on their lap. And that no matter what anyone says she can always tell you if anybody makes her feel uncomfortable.

don’t let him touch her like that - don’t teach her that she needs men allow to touch her against her will.

Pulling her back onto his lap a lot for like an hour does sound pretty odd. If it’s making your DD uncomfortable, then totally say something. And the foot massage thing definitely wouldn’t be normal behaviour for my 6yo and her Grandad.

I think being wary would be wise.

If she's trying to get down off his lap and he keeps pulling her back, then you should have told him to stop. We don't have to give affection to people if we don't want to, and that's an important thing for her to learn.

The whole interaction sounds really icky and I would be wary of letting her be around him at all anymore; certainly never alone.

He's creepy AF. I'd be very concerned he's getting a stiffy when she's sat on his lap and he's keeping her there until it goes down. You need to have some kind of age appropriate conversation about consent with her, because so far she's been trained to continue having physical contact she doesn't want.

As for stroking her feet and telling her it's nice to be stroked....ewww! That's one step away from "here's the bit I like to be stroked on..." 🤮

Sorry I know he's your dad but just...no. He's not somebody she should be learning to trust. I don't see how they can have any relationship at all unless you want to be hovering over her until she's an adult to ensure no alone time with him not even for one second. How the heck do you eg tell a 12yr old not to answer the door to lovely old grandad if he comes knocking while you've popped to the shop? Either he's a virtual stranger she'd never let in or you're going to have to have some very awkward conversations with her at some point.

Even if nothing ever happened except you getting hugged an annoyingly excessive amount of times when little, something in your subconscious knew he was overstepping boundaries, even at that young age when you had no conscious thought of what a boundary was. Hopefully that's all it was. But there's still no way I'd risk my child, not even for one minute. I'd rather have no family than take the risk. I understand you maybe don't want to say anything when all you've got is a gut feeling that something is off, but is there any chance you can move far far away and visit them alone?

I don't jump to conclusions easily and I think you're right to be wary. He sounds like at the very least he's using your daughter for physical affection and the fact he's choosing a particular girl of the grandkids may mean it's crossing a boundary in his head. I wouldn't allow it any opportunity to go further.

I'd limit interaction to when you're strictly supervising. I'd loudly voice things like, "She's 6. She's too old to sit on your lap."

It sounds like he's grooming her or getting her used to him touching her.

I would stop all lap sitting and touching and teach her about being able to assert herself when she feels uncomfortable. That she has a right to say no to any physical contact from others.