Grandfather behaviour to granddaughter

Best case scenario is still wrong as your daughter should be able to choose to stop sitting on someone’s lap at any point - nefarious intent or not, it’s still icky to teach her that she has to obey a man just because he’s bigger or stronger or older.

worst case scenario you’re watching your daughter be abused and doing nothing about it.

Your daughter never ever has to sit on anyone’s lap, whatever their intent. And shouldn’t have to sit still for an hour either - she should be playing and running around.

If you want to maintain contact I would absolutely stop the lap sitting immediately. You are in charge of teaching your daughter how to respect her own body and you just have to be ready to make other people uncomfortable if needed. Your daughter is your only responsibility here.

This is so far beyond normal that I don’t think I’d be able to trust my dad with my daughter again if he was doing this.

Add to that your ambiguous response about repressed memories and I would be cutting off contact between granddaughter and her grandfather completely.

Keep him away from her. Cut contact if you need to. Honestly it’s easy to think you can manage this and not rock the boat but I suspect there is something very wrong with your father and as PP have pointed out he’s doing this in full view at the moment. I understand it’s difficult but you know what the right thing to do is. It’s more important to keep your DD safe than it is to not offend anyone.

That's not remotely normal imo. A few mins on the lap at this age I get but over an hour?!!! I'd be putting massive boundaries in place if I were you and I certainly wouldn't be leaving her alone in the room with him. Protect your child

Never leave her alone with him. It's not appropriate and I would tell him bluntly that it has to stop. My grandfather abused me when I was a toddler and reading this gives me the creeps.

Like a PP I used to work in child protection and actually the 'sit on my lap' or 'lets play a tickling game' is pretty classic for a GP who is pushing boundaries or grooming or abusing And often happens right in front of everyone else because they can get a kick out of getting away with it as well.

You have the benefit that your DH also sees an issue with it so you can work together. It's not enough to say you will supervise your DD around him- it can happen in an instant. Listen to your gut.

The implications of allowing this to continue are huge op. It’s never the victims fault or their families, these perpetrators are accomplished predators and can seem so kind and loving on the surface. I am always shocked by the type of men we see, they really don’t carry any telltale signs in the main. They have one thing in common, brazen remorseless disregard for the lives and bodies of children.

Cut it out straight away. Even if nothing is happening, it’s still uncomfortable for DD.

I won’t go into details but although I never noticed anything, I strongly disliked my in-laws. Let’s just say now I wish I had cut them off straight away.

Do not rely on your mother to protect your child. Some are very good at not seeing what’s right before them. As sad as it is.

I so not think you can be subtle here.

Take him on one side and tell him that having your DD sitting on his lap is absolutely not allowed and you do not want him touching her. He will expostulate and protest but so be it.

Is your Mum around? Sorry if you have said this ipthreaf.

Keep your daughter away from him. I sadly found out too late that my FIL violated my precious daughter in the worst imaginable way throughout her childhood, having presented himself as the perfect grandfather. This man is giving you all you need to know, act on it now and protect your child.

An hour? He kept her on his knee for an hour? And you let him pull her back when she wanted to get up?

My five year old DGD doesn't siit anywhere for long. She's busy playing, or drawing, or just doing stuff. I can't imagine her sitting on anyone's knee for more than a couple of minutes, or wanting to. Why do you let this happen?

You need to tell her that she can say no, can get up when she wants to, and can do what she likes. And if he wants her on his knee and is pestering, you step up and tell him that she is growing up and doesn't like sitting on knees now.

My DGD used to be a big hugger. Now she's less so. The first couple of times she looked reluctant when it was time for the usual hug goodbye, her mum just said 'do you want to give grandma a high five?' and she did. I miss the hug, but I'm glad my DD advocated for her.

You say no and it stops now. He doesn't like it or what it infers? Tough. You are her mother and on this it's better to be wrong than to be proved right. You can tell him discreetly but it stops because you say so

Even if he’s not a child molester it’s totally weird to expect a healthy 6 year old to sit still on someone’s lap for half an hour. Trust your instincts

These responses must make for difficult reading but I echo pp's.

You must advocate for your dd and keep him the hell away from her OP.

I found it chilling reading and the part where you state you never liked him hugging you is very telling.

Another one surprised you've allowed this to happen.
Firstly I'd chat with your daughter to get a good idea of her view on this. Such as- you were sat on grandpa's lap a while today... and let her talk. If she's got even the slightest trepidation about having to do that I'd strongly validate her feelings and say, yes, i noticed that too. You absolutely do not have to sit on grandpa's lap. Its your body, your rules. I should have said something too, I'm sorry, no one has the right to do that to you etc etc.
Personally I'd keep my daughter away from this creepy but totally understand if it's family etc. But I'd keep a very close eye from now on and not allow any more lap sitting or foot rubbing. Speak it out in front of everyone- Dad! She's a 6 year old girl. You're being creepy. Stop it.
I bet she didnt enjoy it either and needs to feel confident with her boundaries, and you need to be there loudly saying same.

I bet he wants her to sit there long enough for him to orgasm under her. Utterly vile. Why on earth are you tolerating this behaviour?

All if this polite pussy footing around clearly predatory behaviour is exactly why these monsters continue to abuse small children with ease.

Double guessing, doubting what you are seeing with your own two eyes, knowing something is deeply wrong - what more evidence do you actually need??

Keep him out of your house.
Keeo him away from your child.
Your child is tiny and can not ‘assert her own boundaries’ she stands no fucking chance! Fgs. I despair sometimes at the watery complacency bordering on neglect.

This man does not come before your dd. If it damages your relationship do what? You keep your defenceless child safe.

It would make me sick if my husband carried on like that with my granddaughter, your dad sounds like a perv .

Of course you should be worried. His behaviour is predatory and out of line. Your gut is correct, you know it is. You don’t need to ask a bunch of strangers, you know what he is doing is wrong. Please please please protect your daughter. If he did anything to her, her life will never be the same. She’s just a child and you are her protection, so protect her please. Stop contact, tell him why, teach her that her body and personal space is hers and she should never do anything she does not want to do or that makes her feel uncomfortable. All children should be taught that this. She’s 6 years old and he is showing grooming and peadophile behaviours. Stop it now. You know it’s wrong. Trust yourself for the sake of your child.

But agree with others that teaching your daughter assertiveness and clear boundaries is important.

She's 6 for petes sake. How is assertiveness and boundaries going to help if grandpa won't let her go for an hour and no-one is backing her up?

You have to trust your gut instinct on this one. By you not stepping in today and allowing him to make her feel uncomfortable indicates you don't want to deal with it but that IS YOUR DUTY as dds mother. I would tell him clearly that it makes both you and her uncomfortable and he is not to behave like that again, doing so will result in you stopping visiting him. Warn your mother about it privately in advance and lay the law down. You run the risk of both being upset and affronted over being challenged but it's a risk you must take as your priority is now your dds welfare, not keeping them happy.

There is defo something amiss. I would stop visiting. Mum can come to you.its no appropriate for your DD.i was expected to kiss all uncles on the cheek as a shy little girl .I hated it.your dad is creepy and weird .you may have repressed memories of him8

Lots of questions but I’m guessing your Mum isn’t around or with your Dad to be able to ask her thoughts or for her to tell him to stop? What age is he, could there be any early onset dementia, which can sometimes start inappropriate behaviour in some cases? Are the other grandchildren boys or are there other girls but different ages? Is he generally a physically affectionate person?

I’m reluctant to jump to conclusions in this specific scenario as there’s many things I’d want to understand first. But agree with others that teaching your daughter assertiveness and clear boundaries is important.