Grandfather behaviour to granddaughter

Right you know this behaviour is wrong.Dont let her be around your dad at all !!!

My DSis was like this. Nothing suspicious but it made me and DSon uncomfortable when she was basically trying to force him to hug her all the time and wasn’t understanding consent. She is emotionally dependant on her own DD too. I cut contact.

You have one job today - to put an immediate stop to this. If it blows up then so be it. Protect your daughter now.

So sorry to hear that this happened to you. Thank you and well done for sharing your story, as it will help others understand how this can happen. xxx

I was molested by my grandad, mum's dad for years.
Please listen to your instincts.
If he is a good man and nothing suspicious is happening then he should be able to understand that you have boundaries.
If any family members kick up a fuss then they are essentially letting you know that their feelings override your boundaries, and you cannot trust them to respect your wishes.

My dad used to force me to sit on his lap right into my mid teens. he also used to hang around my bedroom door and the bathroom when I was in the bath or getting washed. While he never physically did anything I grew up in an atmosphere that always felt "off", with comments about my appearance and developing body. It had a really negative effect on my life

Hugs and knee-sitting etc. should be child led -with any relation or friend - always. If she is trying to leave his lap and he is keeping her there (even with more hugs) -do intervene. Even if all is innocent - this is still the right thing for you to do.

Don't dismiss your feelings. You have no 'evidence' so direct confrontation is likely to be fruitless - but being on your guard because of your instinct is wise.

Yes to protecting her with 'the talk' and starting to drip feed this.

Give her time to talk and let her say anything.

If he's doing all this in plain sight I dread to think what he'd get up to alone with her. It's clearly pervy and horrible.
The fact you never liked him hugging you must mean something. Most little girls do love hugging their dads, though a normal one wouldn't keep forcing it.
I honestly think you should stop inviting him round. What about your Mum, what do you think she'd make of it?

What do you mean by "is that really a good idea"?

Yes it is a good idea. We need to be aware of what happens.

All these stories of other incidences of child abuse... is that really a good idea?

Trust your instincts.
No child wants to be treated like a toy even if it is innocent.

It's weird.
Plus you should never force a child to hug or kiss or sit with anyone .
I don't with mine. I do say use manners . So always say goodbye or thank you. But you don't need to hug anyone and so on.

The feet massaging is essentially acclimatising her to his physical contact. It will progress.

OP just to add, given that you already have a difficult history with this man, I don't think it's fair if posters accuse you of being careless. A lot of bad stuff can get normalised within families. You noticed something was off and sought advice. I hope you find a way to manage the situation that keeps your daughter safe and doesn't add to our hurt.

Trust your gut. Always.

Yes OP deeply concerning behaviour. I think you already know you need to keep her away from him. Do not give him the benefit of the doubt.

My dad was affectionate as well. But this gf is not affectionate- he's FORCING his affection on his gd - forcing her to sit in his lap when she tries to wriggle free. Surely you can see that this is not normal nor affectionate but abusive.

You need to separately talk to your daughter about this as well as removing her from his access. She needs to know it's not her fault, she's done nothing wrong, and give her age-appropriate education about these situations.

What you don't want is for her to think adult males rubbing her body parts and and touching her is allowed or even expected. He's been grooming her in plain sight.

Why don’t you voice your fears when it’s happening? If your dd is on his lap and makes it clear she wants to get down and he’s pulling her back insisting she stays why aren’t you shouting across to him asking why he’s making her do something she obviously doesn’t want to do? Embaras him, bring his behaviour to everyone’s attention, once you do I wonder how many other people will comment on his ‘creepy behaviour’. The problem is once you make it clear to him that you’re not going to allow your dd to be his ‘victim’ he’ll move onto someone else.

See my dad is very affectionate with all of my daughters however he was exactly the same with me as a child and there’s absolutely nothing creepy about it to me. But it sounds different to your situation OP, sounds like you have a gut feeling.

Thank you, it took me years to even process what had happened. To this day iv only ever told DH. I think its just something that I pushed to the back of my mind, until later in life when it hits you all over again. I have 3 DDs now and obviously will do everything in my power to keep them safe from things like this, but unfortunately even people we trust can turn out to be monsters. I just wanted OP to be aware that these things can happen without us knowing. I havent even told my parents.

Trust your instincts. My uncle was much the same. Kissing, cuddling, forcing dgds to sit on his lap. My dad would never let me be alone with him, and I was creeped out by him even as a young child. Turned out he’d abused my girl cousins, and then his son’s daughters (the girls didn’t let their children anywhere near him). The whole family is in bits now, the guy should have done prison time for what he did, all enabled by my aunt, who was herself a victim of domestic abuse from him.

@GreenFields07 I'm so sorry this happened to you. Fucking monster. It makes me sick.

So good of you to give advice.

This is disturbing.

Trust your instincts.

I would recommend 1) Buying NSPCC book, reading this to your daughter. See link: https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/ This is taught in school too so the consistent message is good.

2. Never under any circumstances leave your child or children alone with your father - always ensure you are there and do not trust anyone else.

3. Teacher your child to call body parts by their biological names and no nicknames. My police officer friend said this is extremely important.

4. If you see your child in a position that makes her or you uncomfortable, be her voice. "You look uncomfortable. What do we say to people who come to close? Give me space, stand back" edit as appropriate e.g. "You look uncomfortable. What do we say to people who ask us to sit on their lap? We say no I do not want to sit on your lap. Do not ask me again" etc. Do not feel any social awkwardness. Protect your child. Teach her that she can speak for herself.

These are my initial thoughts.

If it were me, I'd spend as little time as possible with him. I'd actually probably go no contact.

I remember being around your DDs age, we used to go play on the park behind our house. Me, my older sister, our friend and our friends grandfather used to come on the park with his golf clubs and let us mess around playing golf. I remember he used to sit me between his legs, and put my hands behind my back. As an adult I can now vividly recall the feeling of his saggy balls, he was making me grope him. As a child I didnt understand what was happening, but now im older I remember like it was yesterday. Probably looked completely innocent from the outside to my sister, just me sat between his legs, an adult we trusted and knew well.
These things can be happening in broad daylight right infront of your face. Please safeguard your DD and keep her off his lap OP. Your senses are tingling for a reason. There's nothing wrong with sitting on a grandparents lap for a moment, but this situation you're describing is not the norm.