To feel scared about having kids, especially boys, after watching Adolescence on Netflix?

There are women who are 4B or who refuse to birth boys. Most people are completely used to or even supportive of the status quo though especially if they don't think their son/husband/father/brother would ever do such a thing.

Maybe some posters need to read this. Be warned it is not pretty reading. This behaviour is not coming from a couple of bad eggs, some of it is coming from children brought up in good homes with parents thinking they are doing a good job. There will also be others who may not actively be taking part in the behaviour but will see/know their mates do and don't call them out or report it.

This is what our young people and our schools are dealing with. Parents cannot be naive.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/review-of-sexual-abuse-in-schools-and-colleges/review-of-sexual-abuse-in-schools-and-colleges

There are not plenty of boys stabbing other boys because they turn them down for a date though. The drama was looking at a specific type of crime, male on female, and the specific influences and motivation that led to that. No one is saying boys and men don't hurt also each other as well as women and girls, because they clearly do. But given there's a 'national epidemic' of male violence against women and girls, and according to the government, its trending young, I think its important we keep this particular type of risk seperate from that any our sons may face from other males. Because that's a different issue that deserves its own discussion.

Presumably though Jamie's parents thought they were capable of raising a decent child.

@crumblingschools
Agreed. So many people in denial about the harm being done to children.

@PosiePetal or could be argued, very naive

Well said.

This is well worth a read.
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/smartphones-children-adolescence-mental-health-social-media-b2720374.html

It's impossible to get people to understand something when they've a vested interest in not understanding it.

We know that phone use in the UK population is excessive, but every parent swears that their kids only have 10 minutes a day.

We know that nearly 30% of 11 year old boys have watched porn but every parent swears that theirs is too innocent/a bastion of feminist thought and would never.

We know that thousands of primary schools are reporting vast swatches of toxic misogynistic/rape culture but every parent swears that it's only a tiny minority of kids responsible.

It's always someone else's children and someone else's parenting, and not me or mine. And with that attitude, nothing will change.

I worry about my nieces all the time, having to grow up in this.

@tinmrn many people have faith in raising a good person, but the statistics/attitudes in many schools don’t lie. There are big issues and some of them involve children with good parents, it’s not just children who are being dragged up in dysfunctional families. Parents must not be naive. Yes, most teens won’t end up killing someone or being killed, but there are many less extreme harms that can impact them

Hysterical fearful parenting fuelled by tv dramas won't help anyone. The hype over this programme is unreal. Have faith in your own ability to raise a good person or don't have children at all.

I have 4 DCs. It is my older children (young adults) telling me not to let my younger child onto social media and have a smart phone. It is because they are protective and know what is going on. During Covid, we were all hoodwinked into allowing kids far too much screen access, it was a necessity. It is time to backtrack, and whilst we are at it, ban the vaping too (prescription only, for those trying to quit).

Moon another tale as old as time is that often, when you dig a bit into supposed moral panics/hand wringing/pearl clutching > insert sneer of one’s choice < there are some valid societal concerns. You may not view this as as such. And yes this kind of stuff has been going on forever.

But when I was at school peer on peer stabbing and extreme violence and harassment of girls was not this widespread. I work in a city secondary school where the majority of our kids are from low income families and many of them are on at least one safeguarding watch list. The things I hear our boys talking about would curl your hair.

These issues are a major problem and are harming our kids on a low level, daily.

but yes I’m definitely just hand wringing 😳

@Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast but it’s naive to think that if you restrict/monitor internet access (which is a good thing to do) that your teen might not have exposure to various influences

And for those who saying this drama is showing an extremely rare event so we don’t need to get so worried, there is a huge spectrum between a teen/man who hasn’t got a misogynistic bone in their body and would call out everything they see to one who would kill a female for daring to dump them etc

I think the Gisele Pelicot case is a good example. At one end of the spectrum we have evil depraved husband and at the other we have townspeople who were completely oblivious this was happening, but there were the following in between:

• the perpetrators, who had looked up this scenario on the web, carried out the act and denied it could be rape because she didn’t say no (ignoring the fact she couldn’t say yes either)
• the ones who looked it up on the web, went along, decided against it but didn’t report
• those who looked it up but decided against it, but didn’t report
• those who looking for something else, saw it but didn’t report
• those who wouldn’t think about doing anything like this but were aware a mate, neighbour or colleague was involved, but didn’t report

Hand on heart which part of the spectrum would our partners/son fall in?

Two of the things stand out for me on this case:

• why did nobody call it out (there must have been many people who could have done)
• why do men think this was something they could do. Why do they think so little of women

I’m sure most of us would like to think our sons/partners would never dream to be part of such activity, but would they look for it online for kicks, would they look at it if they inadvertently found it, would they report it, call out a mate if they knew he was involved? Because I’m sure many parents/wives in that neighbourhood thought their sons/partners wouldn’t be on any part of that spectrum but they were.

Have you seen the film "Rebel Without A Cause" - a similar storyline, disaffected angry young man goes off the rails followed by lots of hand-wringing and finger-pointing.
A story as old as time.

I have one of each. We have our ups and downs, of course (14yo ds is currently grounded for lying to me about going to homework club - he was actually seeing his girlfriend, which i would have been fine with had he not lied to me about his whereabouts). They are exposed to far more these days, but teenagers always did test boundaries, it's just that the risks are different now. Build a good foundation with them, keep communication open, negotiate terms as they get older, and have difficult discussions with them often about consent, relationships, social media, keeping themselves safe, consequences of actions (they need it spelling out a lot more than adults do), grooming or whatever. Despite the homework club incident, ds is turning into a lovely young man who I am very proud of. And yes, we did use Adolescence as a way to open a conversation with him - and I was incredibly relieved and suitably reassured by his response and reaction. And agree with a pp, he wouldn't be allowed out at 10.30pm anyway!

The landscape our kids are growing up in is not at all comparable to when we were kids (I’m 49).

I have a young nephew and if he was to have disgusting misogynistic views towards girls and wanted to share these with like minded males, being fairly tech savvy it wouldn’t hard for him to find a safe space on the web to do this. He could chat away and let those views fester and grow. All from the privacy of his room.

Yes most of our kids will turn out ok but many won’t.

We all need to wake the fuck up.

This is not a moral panic. The rich and posh have been restricting their children from accessing the internet unfettered for quite a while, especially those in Sillicon valley directly exploiting our children!

I have several friends with DS’ with your DS profile.

Firstly, yes, keep him away from the internet. It is dangerous! However, accept that for social reasons he will likely want to game on a console - and supervise very carefully.

Get him into things like rock music, Vinyl etc all the stuff boys in previous generations used to do.

And finally, there is no such thing as “not sporty”. That profile will resist traditional team sports, but you must find individual sports eg park run, ping pong, whatever is easy. All children need exercise, especially those with ADHD.

Diet is also important. Lots of protein and fruit and veg etc. Even if diet is restrictive, does not matter as long as you find some healthy stuff. Stay away from giving money for too many sweets and E numbers etc. If you can, get him involved in food prep.

👏

And for me it shines a huge fucking light on some (not all) parents who refuse to get a better balance on the monitoring internet use vs give your kid privacy, debate.

To be fair I think this series is quite groundbreaking in starting a very, very important and long overdue conversation about the toxic influences our boys are open to, the devastating impact it has and how much it’s largely been ignored until recently.

Since I'm saying parents should not be allowing teens unlimited access to the net and should know what their kids are doing and where they are, I'm not sure what point you're making in relation to my post.

Is it yes you agree with me that parents should be in control of the Internet their children have access to?

OP, I think the issues raised in the series are important but they shouldn't detract from your enjoyment of raising boys. The conversation around 'Adolescence' and AT is all very heavy (and divisive at times) but hopefully these issues won't affect you if you keep busy being involved in healthy activities with your children (and being involved in their lives). The love and respect learned at home and from their role models provides the armour that protects them from the kind of ridiculous nonsense AT spouts.

My sons have lovely friend groups with both girls and boys, both play sport in teams with girls and boys. Both of my sons and their friend groups are completely dismissive and uninterested in anything AT has to say. He is an idiot in their view and they tell me their friends all feel the same way.

I also questioned why the kid was out on his own late at night but maybe that’s a red herring. Kids can be stabbed at any time of day and have been. Although if he had stayed in his room he couldn’t have killed anyone!

The attitude from boys and men perhaps explains why so many teenage girls are identifying as trans - to get away from being pigeonholed as a sex object - when at such a young vulnerable age.