Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Takeaway caused a big reaction from my sister

129 replies

GracieJonies · 23/03/2025 22:00

I just want to say that my parents past away 3 and 5 years ago so it's just me and my sister. Also my sister is older than me and I don't know if it's relevant but she has high functioning autism.

I moved in with my sister and her 3 kids in the first week of January because my previous flat and flatmates were becoming a bit too much. I have been looking at new flats but they are either too expensive or too far out of the area for work. I buy my own food, laundry, I do my own laundry, cooking and cleaning and babysit for free for my sister. I give her money every month to go towards bills and that. Whenever I go to the shops I offer to get things for my sister so she doesn't have to go out. Something she doesn't offer to me. My sister is quite stingy with money. She buys a takeaway for herself and sometimes for the kids. She doesn't ask me if I want anything which I'm okay with.

Yesterday I finished a 15 hour shift and was shattered so on the way home I decided to get a takeaway. Nothing fancy just some chips, burger and a drink. I was very quiet when I got in so I didn't wake anyone. I assumed everyone was asleep but then my kitchen came to the kitchen. I greeted her and she asks if j got her anything. I said that I didn't because it was just a last minute thing and assumed she would be asleep. She looked angry and said I should have asked her before going upstairs. I didn't think too much of it so once I finished eating I went upstairs. I didn't leave any mess to clean up.

This morning I woke up a bit later and saw a long paragraph text message from my sister saying I was selfish and didn't think about other people and need to do better and more. I was quite shocked by it because I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I didn't reply because I had another shift today (and I didn't know how to reply) so I had to get ready for it and when I went downstairs no one was around so I went to work. I just kept having that text message play on my mind and a few hours later I got another message from my sister saying she was disappointed in me because I didn't reply. I was getting upset land a work colleague asked if I was okay and I explained to him about what had happened. He said my sister was out of line and I didn't do anything wrong. He spoke to his wife and they offered to let me stay with them for a few days which I did accept. I had things like my phone, charger, purse and bank cards and my work colleague's wife offered some clothing and toiletries if I need them which I thanked her for.

My sister can be overwhelmed at times and has been known to lash out but I haven't had this kind of reaction from her before. I know I can't avoid her forever but atm I don't know what to expect or what to do. Sorry for any grammer mistakes! My mind is racing as I'm typing.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 23/03/2025 22:06

It sounds like she's finding it difficult having you in her home and it's coming out in petty ways.
Not nice but understandable tbh, she shouldn't have to house you, you should find somewhere else to live ASAP.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 23/03/2025 22:05

You need to have a set amount that you give her a month and stop "paying" in other ways like babysitting and offering to get her things etc.

I am ND and I need very clear structure and understanding of expectations. Perhaps your sister sees you getting food for her as you making up for paying cheap rent?

I don't condone how she acted though. It was unkind and her communication needs work.

If I had to hazard a guess, she feels used by you (rightly or wrongly) and it has built up and this has caused it to all come out.

Being autistic isn't an excuse, but we can have very black and white ideas about right and wrong.

I think sitting down with her and saying you appreciate living there and would like her to come up with an amount she would be happy with and then neither of you need to worry about "extras". Phrase it as she is important to you, so you want to do this to protect your relationship.

DorothyStorm · 23/03/2025 22:04

Yanbu but you need to move out. This isnt working

TheCurious0range · 23/03/2025 22:03

You shouldn't be staying with your sister and her three children, she's got enough on her plate. It's probably not about the takeaway is the wider situation. You need to stand on your own two feet. You left your last flat because your housemates were a bit much.....